


don't you know me by now

by cute_lil_fluff



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, basically junnie is insecure and spirals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 20:31:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 44,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19449004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cute_lil_fluff/pseuds/cute_lil_fluff
Summary: Well, the truth is that everyone’s feeling a collective sense of shame. They all know that Junhui hasn’t been himself recently, and yet none of them had realised that it had gone this far. None of them had figured out how upset Junhui really was. They’d all been too focused on themselves to give him enough attention, to ask him if he was okay and wait for a believable answer. They’d all given up far too quickly.This is their fault, and they all know it.





	1. Chapter 1

Junhui’s been curled up on the sofa for a few hours now, ever since they’d gotten back from dance practice. His head is all heavy and his stomach is aching, and the sofa is his favourite place to nap when he’s not feeling very well. Before long, someone always comes to sit with him and he gets to preen under their affection. No one’s found him yet but that’s no surprise. They’re all just as exhausted as he is so he can’t blame them.

He somehow manages to fall asleep despite the pain in his tummy, waking up a few hours later to the smell of Korean barbecue. He rolls over with a groan, digging his palm into the wooden floor to stop himself from falling right off. Once he’s righted himself he sits up enough to see over the back of the sofa, the light coming from the kitchen making him squint. He tries not to let the disappointment of waking up on his own sting any more than it has to.

Instead, he props himself up on wobbly legs and drags himself to the kitchen, blocking his eyes from the harsh lights with the baggy sleeves of his jumper. There are no seats left at the table so he just hovers beside it, tucking his hands into the pocket on his hoodie and squeezing his fingers together. Junhui squirms under the eyes that turn to focus on him.

“Junhui-yah.” Seungcheol says, sounding surprised to see him. “I thought you’d turned in for the night?”

Junhui shakes his head and hums, leaning a little to the side. His hands are suddenly too warm so he clasps them and sticks them right out in front of him. Wonwoo furrows his eyebrows, which lets Jun know that he looks like and idiot. He crosses his arms over his chest instead. “I was on the sofa.” His voice is too low, too rough. He doesn’t like how it sounds just after he wakes up.

Minghao lifts his head at that, swallowing his mouthful of food before asking, “are you sick?” Junhui smiles- Minghao knows him so well. He wants to cross the room just to sit on the floor, leaning into Minghao’s side, but he should let them eat. They’re hungry. It’s annoying to be pestered when you’re eating, even if it comes from a place of love.

“Just sleepy, I think.” Junhui says, choosing to keep quiet about the pains in his stomach and his head- everyone’s tired, he’ll be okay in the morning. It would do no good right now to disturb everyone’s nice dinner with his mundane issues, even if a cuddle and a belly rub would go a long way to make him feel better.

“You should go to bed then. Have something to eat if you want.” Seungcheol tells him. Junhui eyes the mountain of food, his stomach rolling uncomfortably. He can’t see any of the spicy bulgogi he usually orders in the mess of containers covering the dining table.

“I’m okay, actually. I think I’ll just, sleep- but thanks- I-” Junhui stutters as his throat pulls, the smell of meat filling his nostrils and sticking there. He suddenly wants nothing more than to get out of this room, the heat of twelve boys crammed around one table hanging onto his skin.

“There’s no need to get all shy, Junhui-yah.” Jeonghan scolds him, eyes cold and glazed over with tiredness. Jeonghan doesn’t like it when he clams up, he encourages Jun to be more confident in himself. Jeonghan says that idols are supposed to be proud of their voices and their bodies, but Junhui isn’t very good at that. He just nods before waving quickly and leaving the room, heading straight into the bathroom.

*

Seungcheol falls into bed with sore shoulders, his eyes closed before he’s even reached the mattress. Jeonghan snuggles up against his back with a tired groan, creased brow pressed into the dip of Seungcheol’s shoulder blades.

It’s been a long couple of weeks- months, if you really think about it. Everyday, they work upwards of twelve hours: singing until their throats run dry, dancing until their feet bleed. It never stops. Even when they’re at home, they’re staying active on their social media accounts and constantly watching what they’re eating. It’s exhausting and it’s fair to say that everyone is sick of it.

“Shit.” Jeonghan mumbles, lifting himself up just enough to hook his chin over Seungcheol’s neck, resting his temple against the elder’s. “Did you set an alarm?” Seungcheol blinks, his tired brain taking a long time to remember.

“I don’t think so.” He says eventually, and Jeonghan whines a little bit, in that melodramatic fashion of which he is so fond. He doesn’t go to sit up though, he doesn’t reach for one of their phones. “Hannie?” Seungcheol asks, thinking that he may have actually fallen asleep in the middle of their conversation.

“Shua will be here in a second. He can do it.” Seungcheol chuckles softly, eyes slipping shut again as Jeonghan nuzzles at the spot behind his ear.

They’re exhausted, but it will be over soon, at least for a little while. They’re just a few weeks out from the concert they’ve been preparing so hard for, and then they’ll get a bit of a break. They might even have enough time to visit their parents. It would be nice to stop being an adult for a while.

It’s not like they don’t love what they do- _of course they do_ , this is their dream. They wouldn’t want to do anything else for the world, but that doesn’t mean that they love it all of the time. When they’re trying to survive on two hours of sleep and a measly excuse for a balanced diet, it’s hard to remember that this is what they wanted. But at the end of the day they push through it because _at the end of the day_ it’s all worth it.

Jeonghan kicks a leg out from under their blanket when the door opens, Jisoo’s considerately light footsteps giving away his presence. “Was I supposed to get something from that, babe?” He asks, a tired hand tucking Jeonghan’s bare foot back in as he passes by.

“Could you set an alarm for tomorrow?” Seungcheol asks, his voice fond despite not being able to see just how cute Jeonghan is being. Jeonghan slides a hand up his chest just to stroke a couple of fingers over Seungcheol’s lips, feeling for a smile. He wants Seungcheol to smile.

“‘Course. What time?” Jisoo asks, dropping onto the mattress beside Seungcheol with his phone in his lap.

Seungcheol hums, thinking. “Manager-nim wants to see us in the studio at seven so we should probably try to get there a bit before that. We’ll aim for six, might be half past.” He’s speaking slowly, working through their schedule in his head, trying to figure out how he can get the kids some more sleep without compromising on their responsibilities. “Half past five? And a couple more to be safe.” Jeonghan sighs, warm air against his back making Seungcheol shiver.

“Okay.”

An unfortunate consequence of their busy weeks has been that they haven’t had much time for each other. Despite spending every waking minute together, they haven’t been able to have proper family time for a while. Moments like this with Jeonghan and Jisoo are the closest they’ve been to intimate in so long, and they’ll be unconscious within minutes of the lights going out. They haven’t been able to nurture any of their relationships recently, romantic or otherwise. As soon as they’re home from work, they’re eating whatever they can scrounge together and crawling into bed without a word.

They’re all feeling the effects of it.

Jisoo sets his phone face down on the nightstand and crawls into bed, worming his way into Seungcheol’s arms. Seungcheol wraps him up, holds him tight, and presses a kiss to the crown of his head, soft hair tickling the end of his nose. “Thank you, baby.” He whispers. He can feel Jeonghan and Jisoo’s fingers lacing together across his side and he smiles.

*

Junhui curls up on the floor beside the toilet, resting his forehead on the cold porcelain and breathing in deeply. He’s shaking, but he chalks it up to how cold it is and not how anxious he’s suddenly feeling. He’s fine.

Truth be told, Junhui struggles sometimes to keep his head above water. He’s sensitive and he’s anxious and he _needs_ his members like nothing else. Without attention and reassurance it’s so easy for him to get stuck in an endless cycle of negative thoughts with nothing to snap him out of it. And that’s fine, he’s not alone in that- Chan and Hansol need just as much help and comfort sometimes, Mingyu constantly craves affection from his hyungs, and- no matter how much he isolates himself- Jihoon can get really down if he’s separated from his members for too long.

But Junhui has a habit of putting himself last. He’s one of the oldest, he has a responsibility to look after the kids, not to worry them. If he can deal with something on his own, he will, and he’ll pretend to everyone else that he’s completely okay. He’s pretty damn convincing, especially when everyone is as exhausted as they are right now. At times like this, it’s every man for himself. Just keep yourself alive until the workload calms down a little bit, then you can worry about other people.

It’s only when Jun feels himself start to nod off that he gets up and drags himself towards the performance unit bedroom, stopping in the hallway to bask in the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen. Even the exhaustion in his muscles can’t stop the smile that pulls at the corners of his mouth. He loves that his members are having fun, even if he’s not included- he’s glad that they’re happy. No one’s been very happy recently, they deserve one night of smiles.

Despite the heaviness of his bones, Jun doesn’t fall asleep once he’s curled up in his bed. He rolls over to face the wall, presses a hand to the sore spot in his stomach, and waits. He may not seek out attention, but he’s willing to accept it if it’s offered. _Once Minghao gets into bed with me_ , he tells himself, _I’ll tell him I’m not well. He’ll take care of me, and then I’ll feel better_.

Junhui lies in the dark, cold fingers clutched at his tummy, ears listening for approaching footsteps. He hears them eventually, perking up a little, but it’s just Chan and Soonyoung. They giggle quietly as they change and roll into bed, the soft sounds of kisses being shared amplified in the silence of the room. Chan sighs gently as they settle down and they exchange ‘I love you’s and ‘sweet dreams’s.

Junhui’s eyes sting.

At one point, he thinks he hears Minghao come in and his ears perk up, but the footsteps fade away quickly. Junhui is still alone. It was probably Seungcheol checking on them. Minghao’s not here.

*

“Shh. Junnie-hyung’s sleeping.” Chan scolds Soonyoung as he’s crowded up against the bit of wall beside their bedroom door. Soonyoung presses his face into Chan’s neck with a giggle, arms squeezing around his cute little waist. Chan lets his head fall into the cradle of Soonyoung’s shoulder, even as he complains- it’s too easy to let himself be bundled up in Soonyoung’s arms. He’s so warm, irresistibly so.

“But I haven’t been able to kiss you in so long.” Soonyoung whines, lifting his head just to pout at the boy pressed against him, bumping his nose against Chan’s cheekbone. Chan kisses his pout away with a smile, their teeth clicking together. He’s missed this.

Soonyoung pulls Chan’s lower lip into his mouth and sucks on it until Chan has to stifle a moan, smacking lightly at Soonyoung’s shoulder blade. Chan yanks him away and gives him a harsh look, hoping that the sparkle in his eyes doesn’t give away how affected he is. From the smug smile on Soonyoung’s face, he isn’t doing a great job.

“I know, but Jun-hyung’s not well. We can’t wake him up.” Soonyoung relents after another kiss, hugging Chan tightly instead. “I love you, Soonie.” Chan whispers against his hairline, a strong hand running up and down the length of his hyung’s back- Soonyoung returns the sentiment, three words mumbled against Chan’s collarbone.

It really has been too long since they’ve had the opportunity to be alone together, to just exist together. They try their best to carve out time for each other but it’s hard when they’re so rushed off their feet. Their alone time ends up being when they’re unconscious. Chan is eager for any chance to be with Soonyoung, even in a dark hallway when they really should be sleeping, but he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he disturbed Junhui.

Soonyoung’s eyes flutter shut as the exhaustion catches up with him. Being wrapped up in Chan’s comforting warmth makes it difficult to stay awake at the best of times. Chan stares unashamedly at his beautiful boyfriend, long eyelashes fanned out across his cheekbones, pretty pink lips organised in a soft pout. He’s ethereal.

Chan is too distracted to complain when Sooyoung leans himself heavily against the younger, hanging tiredly from his shoulders like a needy koala bear. It’s only Soonyoung knocking his head against Chan’s chin as he’s nuzzling into his throat that makes Chan whine. He pinches the soft skin on the back of Soonyoung’s neck in objection even as he keeps holding the older boy close. One hand slips under the hem of Soonyoung’s T-shirt to trace the smooth skin stretched over the ridges of his spine.

They try their best to be quiet as they change and climb into bed, eyeing the lump in the middle of Jun and Minghao’s mattress warily. Junhui doesn’t stir, though, they observe with relief. They know just how much that boy needs his sleep, they all do, and they would do anything to allow him that. Soonyoung knots his fingers up in Chan’s hair and drifts off easily, content that his Channie and Junnie are warm and comfortable and finally getting some rest.

*

Before they’ve even finished their dinner, Hansol and Seungkwan are asleep at the kitchen table. As usual, they’re leaning all over each other. Hansol’s curled up with his head resting in the cradle of his own elbows, Seungkwan using his back as a pillow. It’s sweet, but it doesn’t look too comfortable.

The other members gradually disappear as it gets later into the night, everyone wanting to get a decent amount of sleep before they have to be awake and energetic again. Soonyoung and Chan are the first to leave,hand-in-hand, after they hug Minghao goodnight. They refuse to go until Minghao has promised that he will be in bed soon. Minghao agrees easily, but he wants to make sure that Hansol and Seungkwan are settled before he is.

Another half hour passes and then there’s only Minghao and Seokmin left, the latter also falling asleep in his half-empty bowl. Minghao watches his back rising and falling for a moment, a fond smile on his lips, before he pushes his chair back and stands, stretching his arms above his head to straighten his back out. He’s so stiff.

He runs a hand over the back of Seokmin’s neck, ruffling his hair a little and shaking his shoulders gently. Seokmin startles awake, sleepy eyes blinking up at Minghao from behind his messy fringe- Minghao brushes his fingers through it, straightening him out a little. “Off to bed, Seokminnie. Time to get some sleep.” Minghao tells him.

Seokmin tries to protest, throwing a glance towards the two other boys still at the table. Minghao shakes his head as he takes Seokmin’s hand and pulls him to his feet, an arm around his waist to support him as he gets his balance. “I’ll sort them out, don’t you worry, bud.” Seokmin nods, albeit reluctantly, pressing a kiss to Minghao’s cheek before leaving him with their maknaes. Minghao watches after him with a fond smile.

“Wakey-wakey, boys. I know you’re tired but I can’t let you sleep in the kitchen. Come on, up you get~” Minghao sing-songs, pulling Seungkwan upright by the shoulders, letting the younger lean back against his stomach.

Prying the boys apart is more of a task than Minghao had initially thought, and if he didn’t care so much there is not doubt they would be staying right here. Seungkwan’s hands remain latched onto Hansol’s waist, half-dragging him out of his seat at which Hansol’s eyes shoot open. He fixes his mouth into a pout but flops back down onto Seungkwan’s lap without much trouble.“I don’t think so kid.” Minghao scolds, reaching down to haul Hansol to his feet.

Seungkwan grumbles from behind him, obviously annoyed at both being woken up and from having his Hansol taken away. “None of that, Kwannie. You coming or staying here?” Minghao keeps one arm fixed around Hansol’s rib cage but stretches the other one out for Seungkwan to curl under- which he does, after another grumble.

By the time Minghao’s gotten them into pyjamas and wrapped around each other in bed, it’s almost an hour and a half after Junhui had disappeared into their room. Watching him from the doorway, Minghao figures that he must be asleep. He’s breathing a little quickly, but it’s probably because he’s dreaming. Minghao hopes that he’s having a good dream.

Junhui being asleep wouldn’t normally be an issue- Minghao would usually lay down beside him and be just as unconscious within minutes- but he’s right down the centre of their bed. Minghao can’t bring himself to bother Jun into making room for him. His poor boy is exhausted, perhaps not feeling well on top of that, and he needs his sleep uninterrupted.

With a tired sigh, Minghao steals Chan’s blanket from his and Soonyoung’s feet and drags himself back out to the living room, making the sofa his bed for the night.

*

The shrill cry of Soonyoung’s alarm wakes Junhui with a start the next morning. He’s sat straight up in bed before he even knows what’s going on, lifting a hand to support his heavy head. He’s grateful to notice that his stomach has settled overnight and he’s managed to sleep off his headache. He reaches a curious hand out towards the other side of the bed only to find that the sheets are cold and empty.

Chan and Soonyoung leave to find breakfast and get in line for the bathroom, the older boy draped over Chan’s shoulders. Junhui wouldn’t be surprised if Soonyoung is still asleep. Chan grumbles a little as he drags Soonyoung from the room, but the hands wrapped around Soonyoung’s forearm and holding his waist are so gentle.

Minghao must have slept in someone else’s room. If he didn’t go to bed until later, he probably didn’t want to come in here and wake Junhui up. Minghao is so considerate to him- he knows how important sleep is and he knew that Junhui wasn’t feeling well. That makes sense. He just wanted Jun to get a good amount of rest.

Junhui ignores the voice in the back of his head, whispering to him, reminding him that he wasn’t even asleep until a few hours ago. Surely Minghao would have known if he’d checked and then decided to sleep elsewhere. Minghao can always tell when he’s pretending to be asleep. Minghao is an expert on him.

He probably stayed with Mingyu, those two are really close. Minghao loves spending time with his fellow 97-liner, Mingyu would probably give up cuddling with Wonwoo just so that Minghao could share his bed. Or, maybe he slept with Jeonghan or Jisoo. They both dote on Minghao so much, there’s no doubt they’d let him snuggle up between them for the night. Hell, even Jihoon would let Minghao stay with him. Despite his steely exterior, there is no doubt that Jihoon has a soft spot for Minghao. It’s impossible not to.

After rubbing his eyes clear with his knuckles, Junhui slides out of bed, grabbing a stray hoodie from one of their bed posts to slip over his T-shirt. Despite the extra layer, the morning chill still makes him shiver. He wishes for a warm pair of arms around him. He lugs himself into the hallway only to find that the bathroom right across from their room is empty, a rare occurrence. He jumps on the opportunity, stepping in and closing the door behind himself, hissing a little as his bare feet meet the cold tiles. He bends over the sink to look at himself in the mirror. He must be tired, if the dark bags beneath his eyes are anything to go by, stark against the pale shade of his cheeks.

He’s just leaning closer to scrutinise his face more when there’s a banging on the door. “Junhui, get out of there. It was my turn.” Mingyu’s voice is shrill, even through the door. Junhui barely notices that Mingyu has dropped his honorifics. The younger members never use them with him. It’s not like they mean much to him anyways.

Junhui opens the door and Mingyu pushes past him, toothbrush in hand, his hair a ruffled mess on top of his head. He frowns up at Jun when he doesn’t move to leave immediately, still a little bit bewildered. Mingyu has to pull as his shoulder before he shakes himself awake and apologises softly, returning to the corridor. He sinks down onto the carpet beside the bathroom door, curling up against the wall with a cheek resting on his knees. He’s tired.

“Junhui-yah, get up. We need to leave soon.” Seungcheol tells him as he walks by, unfazed by the fact that Junhui is on the floor for seemingly no reason. He’s already dressed for the day, walking into the kitchen where Seokmin presses him a mug of coffee into his hands with a “good morning, hyung.” Seungcheol ruffles his hair and thanks him, the younger preening under his attention. The kids respect Seungcheol so much, he’s such a good leader. They’re so lucky to have him, he takes care of them so well.

Without meaning to, Junhui zones out again, blank eyes fixed on the kitchen floor. He doesn’t know what’s up with him today, but he can’t seem to shake it. There’s an uncomfortable feeling swirling in his gut and his head doesn’t seem to want to function properly. It takes Wonwoo literally hauling him from the ground and pushing him towards the kitchen with a roll of his eyes to get him moving again.

*

Junhui feels all disconnected by the time they get to the company building, like his head’s not on straight. He doesn’t know whether anyone tries to talk to him on the way over- if they do, he doesn’t hear them. He hopes that they don’t think he’s being rude.

They’re herded into their usual practice room but their stylists have all of their stuff set up in there. The plan is to get them all dressed in their outfits for the concert to see if any final changes need to be made. Tasks like this become a tedious process, as anything does when there are thirteen of you. It’s going to be a long day.

Junhui sits against the mirror with the others, watching as they start with Jihoon, Wonwoo, and Seokmin. Hansol’s got his headphones on, Jeonghan is dozing in Mingyu’s lap, everyone else scrolling through their social media feeds. Jun would do the same, but when he checks his pocket for his phone, he comes back empty handed. He must have forgotten to pick it up on the way out. He can’t even remember if he’d touched it at all this morning. One of the boys will probably realise that he’s bored eventually, and hopefully he’ll get to look over someone’s shoulder or share an earphone.

An hour passes and it’s still not Jun’s turn, he’s still sat against the mirror doing nothing but counting the number of panels on the ceiling. The uncomfortable feeling in his stomach had faded a bit but now it’s back in full force. He can tell that it’s not the same thing as last night, this morning it’s a thicker, heavier discomfort, pulling his heart against his ribcage. He lays a hand over his own chest, thumb forcibly massaging his sternum, trying to chase the feeling away.

He’s not having a good time. All this noise bouncing off the walls, surrounding him but not involving him, it makes his eyes swell with unshed tears. He blinks, surveying the room. Jisoo, Chan, and Seungcheol are the ones now being fitted, dressed up in their suits looking beautiful. Wonwoo and Mingyu are fast asleep, leaning against each other in the corner, Jeonghan sneakily taking photos of them to use as blackmail later.

Soonyoung and Minghao are both in their suits and working through some choreography in one of the mirrors, curious to see how it looks. Seokmin, Seungkwan, and Hansol are sat near Junhui, but they’re having a conversation of their own, hitting each other fondly and throwing their heads back when they laugh.

And Junhui’s just sat there, on his own, on the outside. Like everyone has something to do, something to contribute, but him.

Regardless, Junhui doesn’t like to make a fuss when one isn’t needed. Just because he’s upset, it doesn’t mean that he can ruin everyone else’s day. Complaining would do nothing to help. He just steels himself to get through the next few hours without freaking out, twisting his fingers into the fabric of his hoodie to distract himself. Mingyu will yell at him for stretching the hem out- it is his after all. Junhui glances at the clock, giving himself ten minutes before he can escape to the bathroom to splash some water on his face, maybe dragging Minghao with him for a hug.

He checks the time again after six minutes and decides that that will do.

Trying his best not to draw attention to himself, Jun gets to his feet. He’s aiming to disappear inconspicuously, but he doesn’t get that far. In a matter of moments, he’s tripping over his own feet on his way to the door, flopping face first on the hard wood and bashing his temple against someone’s shoe. He’s not sure whether the tears on his cheeks are from the pain or the embarrassment.

His whole body begins to tremble as he pulls himself up, struggle to regain control of his knees. He avoids looking at anything but the door as he finally escapes, rushing down the corridor towards the toilets. He thinks that he’s going the right way, but his heads gone all fuzzy and he can’t really remember anything but the sting in his skull and the shame pooling in his gut. He makes it about halfway down the hall before he has to sit down underneath a window in a heap, his head between his knees.

Junhui clasps his hands over the top of his head and closes his eyes, desperately fighting to slow his breathing down. It doesn’t take too long for everything to come back into focus- it was mainly the shock that had gotten him worked up, coupled with his lingering anxiety. The tension is still there, making his skin feel too tight, but he’s not really panicking. He’s fine.

Apparently he zones out again, his lungs gratefully drinking up all the air they can. The next thing he knows Minghao is kneeled down in front of him and Junhui has no idea how or when he got there. His hands are just suddenly warm and being guided away from where he’s tugging at his roots.

Jun feels immediately at ease, Minghao’s delicate eyes smiling at him, dark hair curling in waves around his temples. He’s so pretty. Junhui smiles at him, wondering how he had managed to get so lucky. Minghao brushes a thumb over his cheekbone, smoothing away and lingering tears from his skin. Junhui leans into his touch, nose pressed against the centre of his palm, breathing in salt and magnolias.

“You alright, gē?” The familiarity of Minghao’s lilting Mandarin is always soothing to Junhui’s ears. He nods, blinking slowly as Minghao leans down to kiss his forehead, lips warm against his prickled skin. “You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” Junhui is glad that he isn’t asking how anxious he’s feeling because he doesn’t feel like making a big deal about how much of an emotional train wreck he is. Besides, Minghao doesn’t need to ask.

“Honestly, I don’t even know.” Junhui replies, voice breathy. There’s so much going on in his head, so many mixed signals coming from his nervous nerves, he couldn’t even figure out if he’d been hit by a truck right now. His heads a little achy, but it’s been like that for a while. Minghao frowns a little, like Junhui isn’t making any sense, but he doesn’t question the elder.

“We should get back. I think it’s your turn soon.” Minghao tells him, standing up before Junhui can get a hug. He stretches out a hand to help Junhui up and it’s accepted gratefully. As soon as Jun is on his feet, the hand is gone. “I’m just going to the loo.” Minghao tells him, smiling softly. Junhui should go with him, but by the time he’s figured out how his feet work, Minghao has already vanished, like he was never there at all.

Junhui’s half convinced that he’s dreamt up the entire encounter.

The corners of Jun’s lips pull into a frown. _Minghao had come to find him, right? He’d seen Jun fall, he’d seen that he was upset, and he’d come to take care of him. Right?_ Junhui shakes himself out of his thoughts. Of course he had. Minghao loves him, Minghao likes taking care of him, Minghao is always there to make him feel better. It’s ridiculous to think that he’d just happened to stumble upon Jun on his way to the bathroom.

_Right?_

*

In the exact instant that Junhui had fallen, every member in the studio was on their feet, brushing away the hands of their stylists in favour of heading towards the door. His fall looked and sounded painful, their protective instincts immediately kicking in. Minghao is the one who blocks the doorway and stops them from hounding after Junhui, hands landing on the shoulders of Soonyoung and Jeonghan who are at the head of the pack. “Give him a minute.” He says, sounding calm- he knows what he’s doing when it comes to Junhui. “Then I’ll go see if he’s okay.”

“He’s right.” Seungcheol agrees, although he has to reign in his leader instincts in order to do so. “Crowding him isn’t going to help, especially if he’s embarrassed.”

“But what if he’s hurt?” Mingyu asks, voice a little frantic. He’s bouncing on his toes, ready to spring out of the room at a moment’s notice. Seungcheol puts a hand on either side of his neck and pulls him back down onto his heels.

“Then Minghao will deal with it, or he’ll come back and tell us.” Mingyu sighs, relenting. He’s petulant about it, though, folding his arms over his chest and pushing his lips out in a pout. Seokmin drapes himself over the taller boy’s back, resting his chin on his shoulder, which helps Mingyu to relax, as does Minghao turning and following after Junhui.

“Let’s just get back to work and wait for them. They’ll be through soon.” Seungcheol instructs, making a point of walking back over to the stylist who was checking his outfit, lifting his arms so that they can get at his waist again. The others follow after their leader, Jeonghan lingering by the door for a second longer than everyone else. He gives in eventually. As soon as they get this done, they can all go home, and everyone will be happier

Junhui comes back on his own, sitting back down in his spot against the mirror without a word. Just as silently, Hansol tucks himself into the familiar curve of Junhui’s side, worming his way under one of his hyung’s arms. Jun doesn’t push him away- he never could- but he doesn’t pull him in either.

As usual, Seungkwan is hot on Hansol’s heels, though- to Junhui surprise- he doesn’t sit down next to his boyfriend. Instead, he crouches down on Junhui’s other side. “Hey, gorgeous boy.” He murmurs, lifting a hand to absent-mindedly brush through Jun’s hair as he giggles at Soonyoung posing in the mirror.

Junhui feels uncomfortable, all of a sudden. He doesn’t know how to react to this. _Why are they being nice to him?_

He’s already squirming away from them when one of the stylists finally calls his name. He’s glad to get away.


	2. Chapter 2

Junhui pushes the pieces of cereal around in his bowl with his spoon instead of eating them. He’s got his chin resting on his hand, the corners of his mouth pulled down, and his eyes are fixed on the table top. Some of the other boys are sat eating breakfast with him, but no one's talking- it's early and they're tired. Junhui lifts a raisin into the air just to watch it fall back into its milky bathtub.

"Junhui, what time did you go to bed last night? Those bags under your eyes are not cute." Junhui tries to crack a smile at Seungkwan, understanding that it was probably a joke, but it turns out more like a grimace.

"I couldn't get to sleep." Seungkwan scoffs at him, gulping down the rest of his coffee in one go.

"You should stop playing video games before bed, then maybe you'll fall asleep faster." Seungkwan says as he turns to rinse out his bowl, laying it upside down on the drying rack. Junhui hums, too tired to explain that he hadn't even gone on his phone after they'd gotten back yesterday, let alone on the computer. Seungkwan ruffles Jun’s hair on his way out of the room, heading back to change out of his pyjamas.

Truth be told, Jun had been in bed almost as soon as they’d returned from the studio, curling up against the wall and willing himself into unconsciousness. He’d been so exhausted and strung out, he just wanted to sleep the rest of the day away, but the overwhelming number of thoughts in his head didn’t make it easy. He couldn’t stop thinking, agonising over anything and everything. After his little freak out at the studio, he couldn’t help but wonder what the others were saying about him.

In the moment, he'd truly believed that Minghao had come looking for him after he'd fallen. But he'd been foolish to think that. The more he mulls it over, the more he understands that Minghao probably found him accidentally. Maybe that's why Minghao hadn't asked if he was upset, because he didn't realise that something was wrong. Junhui gets it, though, Minghao shouldn't have to be responsible for his emotional state like that- he isn't supposed to know whenever Junhui is the slightest bit anxious.

And why would Minghao want to- he's not dating Junhui for the privilege of sorting him out when he's sobbing and snotty. If anything, it's a burden on their relationship, Jun constantly clinging to the younger boy when he's anxious and then basically ignoring him when he gets overwhelmed. His mood is constantly fluctuating and he spends the majority of his time losing it. Why would Minghao want to be with someone like that?

It's no wonder that Minghao hadn't wanted to help him.

And the others hadn't either. When Jun returned to the dance studio, no one had checked that he was alright, that he wasn’t hurt. They’d all basically ignored him, even Seungkwan and Hansol who were stuck to his sides. Junhui would like to believe that they were silently comforting him, but he also knows that those two boys would cuddle with just about anyone given the chance. Junhui just happened to be sitting still for long enough that they chose him to latch onto. They didn’t _care_.

But Junhui understands that as well- they were busy, they had more important things to focus on.

He understands that he isn't their first priority.

Jun is pulled out of his self-pity when Minghao sweeps into the kitchen, smiling when he sees Jun and coming to a stop behind his chair. He bends over to press a kiss to the crown of Junhui’s head, taking a moment’s pause to breathe in the scent of his freshly clean hair. With a content sigh, he drapes himself over his boyfriend’s shoulder, hands splayed out over Junhui’s tummy. Jun turns his face to press his nose against Minghao’s cheek with a soft hum, happy.

Minghao has this magical way of making Jun feel so soft and safe and reassured. Junhui is so comfortable with him, it’s almost impossible to think negatively when he’s the centre of Minghao’s attention. It’s one of the many reasons why Junhui is so in love with him.

Their moment is over quickly over, though, before Junhui can properly sink into his lover’s arms. A hyperactive Seokmin barrels into the kitchen, stealing Minghao from his side and dragging him halfway across the room. They wraps themselves around each other, Seokmin squeezing tightly as Minghao laughs hysterically, the tips of his ears burning red.

Seokmin calls out Minghao’s name as though they’re greeting each other after months apart. Minghao cups the back of Seokmin’s neck with a hand as he kisses the boy’s cheek, cooing at him. “You’re so cute, my Seokminnie~”

Junhui stops chewing his mouthful of food, the milk sour in his mouth.

*

Mingyu leaves the kitchen table gnawing on his lower lip, his breakfast sitting uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. It’s almost half past six so he should go back to his room to get dressed, but he finds himself outside of the vocal unit bedroom. He knocks, although the door is cracked open slightly, and Jisoo calls him in. He’s sat on the floor in front of the mirror, combing through his hair, but he quickly abandons his task when he notices the look on Mingyu’s face.

He’s got his hands on Mingyu as soon as he gets close enough, wrapping one arms around the younger’s neck to pull him into a hug, nudging the door shut with his hip. “What’s up, Gyu?” Jisoo asks, his voice soft and soothing in Mingyu’s ear, fingers laced in the short hair on the back of his head. “What’s happened, hmm?”

“I think something’s wrong. With Junnie.” Mingyu mumbles, letting out a high-pitched whine when Jisoo pinches his ear lobe- he’s being dramatic of course, he barely felt it.

“That’s Junnie-hyung to you.” Jisoo scolds, and Mingyu corrects himself with a roll of his eyes. Jisoo shakes his head fondly, taking the younger’s hand and leading him towards the nearest bed. “Come here, honey. Talk to me.” They sit together, Mingyu’s hands cradled between his hyung’s.

“He’s just- he’s not himself. Like, I know he gets shy and quiet sometimes, but right now- he’s barely spoken recently. Let alone laughed and joked around as much as usual.” Jisoo sighs a little- he’s noticed too, of course he has, they all have. There’s such an obvious gap left behind when Junhui’s cheerful energy isn’t filling up the room. “I don’t know what’s going on. But there’s something wrong, and I don’t like it.”

“I know, baby. I’ll have a word with him, okay? I’ve been worried too.” Jisoo tells him and Mingyu scrunches his face up a little, like he’s trying not to cry.

“I miss him.” Mingyu easily buries himself in Jisoo’s chest when he opens his arms. Jisoo pulls him as close as physically possible, holding him together.

“It’s so sweet of you to be concerned, honey. I’ll make sure he’s okay, you don’t need to worry.”

“I just- I want to say something, but I feel like it won’t be right coming from me. He always goes into hyung-mode with me, he never lets me look after him.” Mingyu continues, frowning against the fabric of Jisoo’s T-shirt. Jisoo runs a palm up and down his back. “I don’t like seeing him sad.”

“He doesn’t like seeming weak in front of you lot. He’s so protective, you’re always the top priority in his mind.” Mingyu nods in agreement, cracking a small smile as the thought of his loveable hyung. “He’ll listen to me, though. If not, I’ll set Jeonghan on him- no one can resist Hannie’s coddling.”

*

“Come on, Junhui-yah, we don’t have time for moping.” Junhui looks up from his bowl to find that he’s the last person sat at the breakfast table. Seungcheol is staring at him from where he’s lacing up his shoes, one leg propped up on a chair. His eyebrows are raised in his tell-tale expression of annoyance. Jun shrinks under his leader’s gaze.

“Sorry, hyung. Sorry- I’ll go get ready. Sorry.” He stumbles over his words, scrambling to his feet to empty his bowl into the bin. He slips past Seungcheol without another word and heads back towards his bedroom. He doesn’t even look at Seungcheol again, too afraid of the look on his face, the disappointment in his eyes. He hates making their leader angry. Seungcheol doesn’t deserve that- he works so hard for them.

Jun pulls on the first pieces of discarded clothing that he finds, making even more of a mess as he does so, tripping over himself in his haste. He runs trembling fingers through his bed-head, getting his hair into some semblance of order. He’s aware that he looks like shit but there’s not much he can do without making them any later. He’ll just have to hope that no one looks at him for too long.

Minghao catches him around the waist as he’s rushing back towards the living room, pressing a chaste kiss to the back of his neck- his favourite spot. “You okay?” He asks, and Junhui can’t help the grin that takes over his face. Just as he’s turning in Minghao’s arms for a proper kiss, said arms disappear and Minghao is halfway across the room, unplugging his phone from the charger beside their bed.

Jun nods wordlessly and flees. He’s the first one out the door.

*

“Junhui, you’re supposed to move to the right after that turn. You’re blocking Wonwoo if you don’t.” Soonyoung instructs after he’s stopped the music for a fourth time, hands on his hips as he watches Jun in exasperation. Junhui feels the air being sucked from his chest- he hates getting yelled at. He bows his head and stumbles over his apology.

“I’m really sorry, Soonyoung. I’ll do better.” Soonyoung just sighs at him. He looks exhausted. He’s been working so hard with them trying to get this choreography right, and Junhui is only making his job more difficult.

“We’ve got to finish this today.” Is what Soonyoung says next and, although he’s talking to the whole group, Junhui knows that the jab is aimed at him. Soonyoung can get mean when he’s stressed out.

It’s impossible to explain how much Junhui admires Soonyoung- his endless supply of talent and creativity, his bursting enthusiasm, the way he manages to be everyone’s favourite person all at once. A person like him is so rare to find, and Jun can’t believe that he is their’s.

Soonyoung and Junhui were quite close for a while. He would feel so lucky every time Soonyoung sat beside him or spoke to him as if he was the only person he wanted to talk to. Spending time with Soonyoung is like being invited into this golden circle, where everything is suddenly brighter and you feel instantly happier. Junhui is grateful for any fleeting moment he gets to share in that sunshine, with a ball of energy pressed against his side and that effervescent smile aimed at him.

They haven’t hung out together recently, though, not with how hard Soonyoung has been working. He’s been busy. He hasn’t had any time. Well- he’s still had time for Chan, and Jihoon, Seokmin and Seungkwan, but no time for Jun. Whenever Junhui sees him now, they’re working, and Jun always seems to be in his bad books.

Jun’s probably done something to annoy him without realising. He does that sometimes. Yeah, it’s probably his own fault.

Soonyoung expects a lot of him. As his leader. Sometimes it feels like he expects too much, more than Junhui can give. He expects Jun to be just as talented and naturally gifted as the others, but the truth is that he just isn’t. He expects Junhui to put in just as much effort as he does, to spend just as many hours in the studio, and he probably should. But he struggles to work for so long before getting completely drained of energy.

He’s not cut out for this, being an idol- he can’t work as hard as he should. It seems that Soonyoung is finally beginning to realise that, and he’s not happy about it.

Maybe Soonyoung will have a quiet word with their manager and Junhui will end up back in China. That thought used to scare him, but now it doesn’t sound so bad.

*

As the members file out of the studio, returning home to get some rest, Jihoon stays behind and catches Soonyoung alone. Chan will be back soon to continue working with his hyung into the night, he’d just gone to find some caffeine first. Jihoon and Soonyoung seem to have imparted some bad habits onto him.

Soonyoung droops against the mirror and lets himself slide down onto the floor. He is drenched in sweat, his chest rising and falling quickly as he tries to catch his breath. He looks up at Jihoon and tilts his head to the side, wincing at the serious looking in the younger’s eyes, giving away that he’s got something important to say.

Soonyoung waits for his scolding, but Jihoon makes him wait longer. He makes his way to Soonyoung with a bottle of water and a towel, but his gaze doesn’t soften. He begins to talk as Soonyoung is dabbing his face dry.

“You were a bit harsh on Junhui today.” His voice is flat, eyes narrowed. Soonyoung wants to smother himself, he hates disappointing people. He buries his face in the towel but Jihoon shakes his shoulder as a warning, so Soonyoung lifts his head back up.

“I know I was. I didn’t mean it. It’s just- you know how I get.” Soonyoung sighs, resting the back of his skull on the mirror, looking up at the ceiling tiles. He doesn’t want to meet Jihoon’s eyes, he doesn’t want to see the anger. It’s no joke how protective Jihoon is, especially over Junhui. He would never settle for someone acting unjustly towards him, even if it’s one of their members. Soonyoung knows that he’s being serious.

Jihoon seems to relent a little, though, at the sound of pure exhaustion in Soonyoung’s voice. Out of the corner of his eye, Soonyoung sees him nod. He settles onto the floor next to Soonyoung and reaches a hand out, resting on his knee. “I should apologise.” Soonyoung continues, so quiet that Jihoon can barely hear him. Jihoon nods again.

“We should be keeping an eye on him. I don’t think he’s taking well to how stressed out everyone has been lately.” When Soonyoung finally decides to look at him, Jihoon is chewing on his thumbnail- he’s really worried. As much as Jihoon acts stoic and cold, this is clear proof of how deeply he cares for his members. “He seems … different recently. Upset. Maybe I’m wrong, I haven’t been spending too much time at the dorms- I guess you haven’t either so-”

“No, no. You’re right. I should have been paying him more attention. He’s my Junnie, I need to look after him, and he definitely hasn’t been himself.” Soonyoung hides his face again, the pained look he’d caused to manifest on Junhui’s face flashing behind his eyelids. “Shit. I shouldn’t have yelled at him, should I?” There are tears in his voice. Jihoon presses the water bottle into his hands.

*

The thing about Junhui is that he’s different from the other boys. Each and every one of them was made to be in the spotlight- they’re funny and endearing and talented. They’re so perfect for this job, natural in interviews and mesmerising on stage. Junhui, though- he isn’t _at all_. He’s shy and he’s awkward and he never knows what to do with his hands and he doesn’t know how to act around cameras and he doesn’t know how to talk to strangers. He has absolutely no clue how they’ve allowed him to come this far.

It’s not only that, though. He can’t sing nearly as well as anyone in the vocal team, him trying to rap is just embarrassing, and he’s by far the least trained dancer in his own unit. He just doesn’t fit. It’s like he’s only there to make up the numbers, or because he’s decently good looking, or because they needed someone to pin the blame on when things don’t go as planned, or someone to laugh at. Or it’s just too late for them to tell him that they don’t need him. _You know?_

It hurts to think about, but Jun knows that there’s always going to be one member who is inferior to everyone else. That’s just how it works. And it sucks that it’s him but he just has to get on with it. There is nothing that he can do. No matter how much he practices and improves, they’re always going to be miles ahead of him. He should just be grateful for what he has, appreciate the opportunity whilst he has it.

Junhui is startled out of his own head when the bathroom door opens, and he curls into the spray of the shower, acting on the instinct to hide himself. “Can I join you?” Minghao asks, and Jun can hear in his voice just how tired he is. His impulse to preen over Minghao kicks in, and he’s suddenly itching to have the younger in his arms. He can’t worry about his own problems when his baby is in need of some love and attention.

“Of course.” He replies, immediately. He listens as Minghao’s clothing hits the floor and turns when he pulls back the shower curtain, helping into the tub without slipping over. “Hey.” Junhui says, softly, practically melting when Minghao spin him back around and crowds up behind him- arms around his waist, cheek resting in the dip of his shoulder blades. The younger’s thin fingers trace circles on the skin of his stomach. A kiss is pressed to the back of his neck.

For the ten minutes they spend under the water together, it almost feels like everything’s back to normal again. Junhui forgets all about his panic the other day, he forgets about Soonyoung’s disappointed eyes, Seungkwan’s scrutiny leaving his mind without a trace. Minghao kisses him like he used to and washes Junhui’s hair without being asked, just because he knows that Jun loves the feeling.

Even if he doesn’t belong in Seventeen, even if he doesn’t belong in South Korea, he knows that he will always belong in Xu Minghao’s arms.

*

Soonyoung has all intentions to find Junhui and apologise to him after his outburst. He wants to make sure that he’s feeling okay, and that he’s not angry. He really does. It's just that- he's busy and distracted. Almost immediately after Jihoon leaves Soonyoung in the dance studio, their manager comes to find him to let him know that their stage for the concert is going to be a lot bigger than expected and he has to re-block all of their dances to fill the space.

It shouldn't be that hard to sort, not with Chan to help him, but they're so tired that it takes them long into the next morning trying to figure everything out. By the time they get home, everyone's in bed and Soonyoung is incapable of doing anything more than falling onto his mattress beside his maknae and passing out. The next few days are filled with making sure the other boys are all aware of the changes, and he completely forgets that he was ever intending to pull Jun aside.

Soonyoung reckons that Minghao's got everything under control, anyway- Jun's been clinging onto him more than usual as of late. They must have talked everything over, figured out what was going on in Junhui's head. Maybe bringing up the whole incident now would do more harm than good? Either way, Junhui doesn't seem to be upset with him, so maybe he's over it already?

Well, that's probably not true. Soonyoung knows how easily Jun takes things to heart, especially criticism, however well-intended it is.

"Junnie? You sleeping?" Soonyoung asks quietly, hanging around the door frame of the performance bedroom. Junhui sits up in bed and shakes his hair out, his blankets pooling around his waist. Soonyoung's about to apologise for waking him, but he can tell just by the clarity in Junhui's eyes that he hadn't been asleep. One of the things that he and Junhui share is that they are notoriously groggy as soon as they wake up.

"Are you okay?" Junhui asks when Soonyoung doesn't say anything, just stands there watching Jun from across the room. Soonyoung nods quickly, walking over to perch cross-legged on the end Jun's mattress.

"Yeah, no- I just wanted to have a word." Junhui immediately tenses up, curling his arms around himself, cowering back against the headboard. "Don't worry, it's not bad, I just- I just wanted to check that you're doing okay. You've been a bit- I don't know, upset?" Junhui furrows his eyebrows and squints at him, as though he's trying to figure out some underlying message in Soonyoung's words. Soonyoung tries to mould his face into something reassuring.

This is strange. Usually, comforting Junhui is an intimate affair, full of cuddles and kisses. But right now, Soonyoung isn’t sure that Junhui wants any of that. He’s been so distant lately, shying away from any and all forms of affection from them and isolating himself. Soonyoung doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable by imposing on his personal space.

But at the same time, he’s not used to making Junhui feel better without being able to hold him and rock him and snuggle him into a better headspace. He feels awkward doing this, which could only be making things worse.

"I'm fine." Jun eventually answers, his words terse and his voice strained. Soonyoung knows exactly what he's doing- he's shutting the younger boy out. He does this almost every time someone confronts him about his emotional state, not wanting to make a fuss over his feelings, no matter how often they try to convince him that they care about what he’s going through.

He always feels like his mental state is a detriment to the group, and that talking about it would only cause more issues than it would solve. Or more like solving them isn’t worth it to anyone.

Junhui breaks their eye contact, and Soonyoung knows that this isn't going anywhere.

"Look, I'm not going to force you to talk to me, or anyone. I just want to give you the option." Soonyoung tries to sound as least imposing as he can, but Junhui only clams up more. He lowers his head so that his chin is pressed against his chest, and makes it really obvious that he doesn't want to talk about it.

"I'm fine. I don't need you worrying about me. I just want to go to bed." He says, words muffled. He sounds angry, defensive- maybe this was a bad idea. Junhui obviously isn't comfortable talking about this stuff with him. He shouldn't have tried in the first place, if Jun was just going to push him away anyway.

Soonyoung catches that thought and immediately dismisses it- it’s always worth trying. Junhui isn’t pushing him away to be mean, he’s just scared.

With a sigh, Soonyoung stands up. "Okay." He replies, turning to leave Junhui to himself. He pauses as he reaches the door, fingers itching to ruffle through Junhui’s hair or drag along his lower lip, but he decides against it. “Also,” He continues, suddenly remembering why he’d really come in here. Junhui lifts his head, and Soonyoung nearly sobs at the way the corners of his mouth are turned down. “I wanted to apologise. The other day, when I yelled at you in the studio- I shouldn’t have done that. You didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry.”

“It was my fault.” Soonyoung wants to argue. He wants to hold Junhui against his chest and tell him how wonderful he is. He wants to write Jun a book full of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. But Jun has lowered his head again, arms wrapped tightly around his own ribcage- he’s getting more and more uncomfortable the longer Soonyoung is in front of him. Soonyoung doesn’t know what to do. So he leaves.

It was so much easier to talk to Junhui before all of this. He doesn’t know what’s happened, but he used to know just what to say to make Jun open up. Junhui used to trust him. But now- it's like so much has changed in just the last few weeks, and now Junhui is this closed off, silent boy whose walls are impossible to break down. Soonyoung slumps to the floor in the hallway outside their bedroom door, his head in his hands.

*

Junhui stays curled up against his headboard for at least half an hour after Soonyoung leaves, trying to work out what just happened.

On one hand, it could just be true that Soonyoung was worried about him- he’s noticed the recent change in Junhui’s demeanour and wanted to check in on him. As his leader and his friend, maybe he was just genuinely concerned, and maybe Junhui is wrong about the members feeling burdened by his weaknesses.

Reality hits him quickly though, reminding Jun exactly why that can’t be true. Soonyoung is his _leader_ , he needs his members to be on top of their game at all times. He’s probably noticed that Junhui has been lacking more than usual lately- it would have been hard to miss, to be fair- and had decided to confront him about it. He just took a softer approach than he could have. It doesn’t mean that Soonyoung is happy with him.

He’s probably angry- that’s what it is. He’s probably angry that Junhui’s not acting like a member of their team and this was his passive aggressive attempt to get him to sort himself out. And he better do it, too, because next time maybe he won’t be so kind.

If he really cared, he _would_ have forced Junhui to talk to him. He wouldn’t have just left so easily after letting him know that he’s monitoring him. He’ll be back with the boys by now, laughing and cuddling and having the best time. It’s no wonder he hadn’t stayed to pester Jun, when he has that waiting for him. He has a boyfriend who wants to spend all his time with Soonyoung and a group of people constantly waiting to sing his praises.

He doesn’t need Jun, none of them do.

Why would Soonyoung even come in here? What was he trying to prove? Did he just want to remind Jun of just how alone he is? Was he trying to make Jun feel like this- this horrible about himself? He’s probably trying to get him to feel so bad that he finally leaves them in peace, so that they can say it was his choice when he leaves. They wouldn’t want to foot the bad press from kicking a member out, not matter how inconsequential said member was.

Soonyoung was probably making fun on him. They’ll all be laughing about him right now, making a joke out of his sad eyes and his inability to mask his emotions. Maybe they’re disgusted with how lazy he’s being, lying around in bed in the middle of the afternoon when he should be practicing. Maybe they’re playing back their old performances and pointing out all of his mistakes, or comparing his squeaky voice to their strong melodies. Maybe they want his to walk past and hear what a joke they think he is.

Maybe they're planning how they're going to convince him to give up.


	3. Chapter 3

Being unable to get to sleep never feels good. Junhui is lying in bed next to Minghao, who has been fast off for hours, turning over every few minutes as he desperately tries to get comfortable. But no matter how much he wriggles around, he can’t seem to get properly settled.

It’s so infuriating- he works so hard throughout the day until he’s cripplingly tired and then his body betrays him and keeps him awake for half of the night. The little time they get to rest is precious, and yet here he is wasting it all. No one else seems to find falling asleep this hard, it’s just another one of his weaknesses.

When he rolls over for what feels like the hundredth time he nearly chokes on his own tongue at the sight of Minghao’s eyes wide open and watching him. Jun takes a sharp breath and gives Minghao an apologetic look, feeling so guilty at having woken him. He hadn’t meant to be a nuisance.

Blinking the bleariness from his eyes, Minghao props himself up on an elbow so that he can look down at Junhui. He’s not frowning, but he doesn’t look happy either. “What’s got you tossing and turning so much, huh?” He asks, his voice rough. Junhui cringes- he didn’t mean to make Minghao angry. “Is this about the concert? Are you nervous?”

Minghao reaches a hand up to brush Jun’s hair out of his eyes but Junhui flinches away, sitting up and nearly knocking Minghao off the bed in the process. “No, no- I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just not tired, I guess. I’ll go- I’m sorry. You go back to sleep.” Junhui scrambles off the bed backwards- it’s a miracle that he gets to his feet without falling and making an even bigger fool out of himself.

He doesn’t look back at Minghao as he leaves the room, shutting the door as quietly as he can and hissing as the wooden floor in the halway freezes the soles of his bare feet. He scurries towards the living room, hoping that Minghao is curling back up and not following behind him. He’s not in the mood to be scolded right now, and Minghao deserves some uninterrupted rest.

He’s not sure what to do with himself, now that he’s up- he only knows that he doesn’t want to go back to bed. He’s tempted to go back to the studio to practice a little bit more, but he’s learnt that that’s probably not a good idea. A while back, Chan had gotten into a habit of sneaking out in the middle of the night to return to the dance studio. When his hyungs had found out, they’d been so angry- well, as angry as they could be with their maknae. They would hold no qualms with scolding Junhui though, and the last thing he wants is to get yelled at.

He doesn’t know what else he can do to pass the time. The telly would be loud, and he doesn’t want to risk waking the others. It’s not often that they’re able to get a decent amount of rest. Just because he can’t sleep it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t let the others. Shaking his hair out of his eyes, he treks to the kitchen to get a glass of water, because that’s what everyone does in the middle of the night.

The boys have left their dishes out from dinner so Jun carefully stacks them up beside the sink, trying his very best not to make too much noise. He would wash them up, but that would definitely be too loud. He’ll do it in the morning. After that, he sorts through the mess of notes stuck to the door of their fridge with magnets, smiling at the cute, little messages the members have left for Mingyu to find when he goes to make them dinner. Minghao had left one for Junhui once, but it hadn’t caught on.

They like Mingyu far more than they like him. He’s cute and loving whereas Junhui is quiet and childish. Mingyu is helpful where Jun just gets in the way, and it’s impossible not to love Mingyu’s high pitched laugh and encompassing cuddles. If anything, Junhui is hard to love. It’s not easy to adore someone who doesn’t talk and freaks out if you get too close.

That’s the scary thing about the middle of the night- the combination of darkness and silence makes very it easy for the negative thoughts to find you. In the day time, there’s always something to distract him from listening to them. But right now, he can’t shake the image of Seungcheol’s disappointed eyes from his head, Soonyoung’s angry words and Jeonghan’s criticism ringing in his ears.

Junhui drops onto the sofa and curls up into a ball. He feels so sad- he can’t help the tears that flood his eyes. He pulls a discarded cushion from the floor and buries his face in it, not wanting to wake up anyone else with his sobbing. There’s no way he’s getting to sleep now.

*

The clock reads two in the morning when Jisoo climbs out of bed, creeping through the dorm towards the kitchen in the dark. He tries not to make a habit of getting up in the night, prefering to savour every moment he gets to lie in bed. He hasn’t had an easy time getting to sleep this evening, though.

He gets like this sometimes. They’re gearing up for a big event, so his mind is constantly distracted by thinking about it and worrying about it. On top of that, it’s colder than usual in the dorm with the weather cooling down, and for some reason, that also affects his sleep.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol are both dead to the world- _as usual_ \- wrapped up in a knot of limbs and drooling on each other’s shoulders. Jisoo just needs a hot drink, and maybe a snack, and then he’ll be able to settle down and join them.

He doesn’t make it to the kitchen, though. He’s just surveying the state of the dorm, sighing at the shoes scattered in the doorway, when he spots a head of hair peeking over the back of the sofa. Jisoo frowns, approaching slowly when he realises that it’s Jun, not wanting to wake him up if he’s sleeping. It’s only when gets a little closer that he hears Jun’s sniffles.

Junhui doesn’t look up at Jisoo as he circles the sofa and perches beside him, but it’s obvious that Jun knows that he’s there. His hands clench around the cushion in his lap and his shoulders tense up, and he steels his face into a blank indifference despite his damp cheeks giving him away.

Jisoo shakes his head with a sad smile- this boy is so precious. His wet eyes make him look so young, so innocent, his messy hair and bare face just adding to his guileless nature. He’s worrying because Jisoo has found him up after his bedtime, like a toddler caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Jisoo perches on the sofa beside him, moving away the mug of water that’s dangerously close to spilling all over Jun’s legs.

He looks back, expecting Jun to have finally acknowledged his entrance, but he’s still staunchly ignoring him. His lips are pulled into a tight frown and, even when Jisoo ruffles the hair on the back of his head, he remains motionless.

“Hey, lovely. What are you doing up?” Jisoo asks, his voice soft, not wanting to make Junhui worry that he’s angry or risk waking up any of the other boys. He waits for Jun to answer him, or at least to show some sign of relaxing, but his attempt proves futile. “Junnie-yah.” Jisoo whispers, and Jun must hear his concern because he finally meets Jisoo’s gaze.

Something in Junhui’s eyes is screaming desperation- to be asked what’s wrong, to be left alone, to be coddled, to sleep. Jisoo has no idea what he needs. Although Jun gets overwhelmed a lot and he gets anxious, Jisoo has never seen him like this. He’s just so _sad_ , he’s almost dazed by it. It’s almost like he’s not even there.

Jisoo falters when he realises that he has no idea how to help. He just keeps a hand on the back of his dongsaeng’s head, fingers carding through his hair, hoping that the feeling will help to calm him down.

That’s just the thing, though- Jisoo has seen Jun worked up and panicking on multiple occasions, but that isn’t _this_. He’s breathing fine, maybe even a little on the slow side, and he’s showing none of his usual signs of anxiety- no fiddling hands, no wandering gaze, no chewing his lip to shreds. Maybe he’s just tired? _Really tired_.

Jisoo pulls in a steadying breath- he needs to make a decision. He has to do something- he can’t just leave Junhui like this. “Okay.” He says, wincing when Jun flinches a little. “Sorry, sweetheart. Let’s finish your water, alright?” Jisoo frames it as a question, but he brings the mug back to Junhui’s face before he answers.

Jun frowns a little, but he parts his lips all the same, allowing Jisoo to help him. Jisoo coos softly, thumbing away the dribbles that spill from the corners of Jun’s mouth. When the cup has been drained, Jisoo cradles Jun’s jaw between his palms and sighs.

Jisoo is so relieved when Junhui seems to get over his unease with him, curling into his side and pressing his head into the dip of Jisoo’s shoulder. Jisoo pulls him closer until he’s almost in his hyung’s lap, arms wrapped tightly around his middle, lips pressed against the crown of his head.

Jisoo keeps him there, staying silent, not wanting to break this sudden calm that has washed over the pair of them. He’s so grateful in this moment, grateful that he can be of some use to Junhui, that he can help him in some way to feel better, even if it’s only temporary. He hums gently against the top of Junhui’s head and hopes that he vibrations are soothing against his skin.

“What’s wrong, Junnie-yah?” He finally asks in a quiet voice.

Junhui’s eyes flutter closed in a slow blink. “I don’t know.” He whispers, hands gripping at the hem of Jisoo’s sweatshirt, pulling at the fabric. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” It’s a moment of weakness that Junhui immediately kicks himself for, receding from Jisoo and curling around the arm of the sofa instead. Jisoo doesn’t like the feeling of empty arms.

“That’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay to be confused.” Junhui shakes his head at Jisoo’s words, scoffing a little and pinching at the skin on the side of his neck. Jisoo wants to grab him, pull him into a warm hug and sit with him until he’s happy again, but he knows that that isn’t how this works. It’s the middle of the night, and they’re both tired- there’s not much Jisoo can do to fix everything right away. “I think we both need some sleep. Bedtime?”

Junhui looks reluctant, but he nods, letting Jisoo take his hand and lug him from the sofa. Jun’s legs are steadier than expected, to say that he’s been folded up for so long, and he stands on his own easily. He doesn’t drop Jisoo’s hand but he won’t meet his hyung’s eyes. With a sad smile, Jisoo guides Jun towards the bedrooms, his thumb stroking across Jun’s knuckles.

Jun follows obediently until they reach the performance unit bedroom. Jisoo’s just pressing down on the door handle when Junhui stops him. He lets go of Jisoo’s hand and instead pulls his arms in towards his own chest, one palm splaying over his own throat anxiously. Jisoo takes a step back, releasing the handle and splaying out his fingers to hang like a flag of surrender in mid-air.

“Jun-ah?” Jisoo asks, tilting his head slightly at the younger and frowning at the sight of fresh tears in his eyes. “You don’t want to sleep in there?” Jun shakes his head, although it’s only a tiny, cautious movement. Jisoo can’t help but worry- did something happen? Is Junnie scared?

Junhui remains silent, although there are alarm bells ringing inside his skull. _He’s already annoyed Minghao enough. Crawling back into bed at god-knows-when in the morning, when the younger already doesn’t want him there, is only going to make matters worse. He should have stayed on the sofa, he doesn’t deserve to sleep next to Minghao._

“Okay, that’s alright. Come on, you can have Seungkwan’s bed. He’ll be with Hansol”

Junhui has the sudden guilty thought that he shouldn’t leave Minghao to sleep on his own. When Junhui wakes up by himself, it makes him so sad, it makes him feel so lonely. Just the other day, waking up without Minghao was almost physically painful, only soothed slightly by the knowledge of why he would have done it.

That’s the difference, though. Minghao had slept somewhere else because of how _nice_ he is. He hadn’t wanted to disturb Junhui, and so he had left him to sleep. Junhui is leaving Minghao on his own because of how _selfish_ he is. He’s just scared that Minghao is going to get angry with him, even if he deserves it and should suck it up and deal with a scolding.

But he’s too scared. He’s too scared to make Minghao even more annoyed by him than he already is. He’s just avoiding the inevitable.

*

Junhui is quieter than usual the next day. He’s embarrassed and he’s staying out of everyone’s way in order to avoid any further humiliation. He knows that Jisoo must have told the other members what had happened last night- at least Seungcheol and Jeonghan- and he knows that they must be talking about it. About him. It’s probably gotten to Minghao as well, and he’s probably angry.

He spends the day silently doing as he’s told- he wakes up to someone else’s alarm, he eats the breakfast someone else makes and pushes in front of him, he follows a huddle of feet to the studio and mimics the shapes he sees in the mirror. He keeps his mouth shut and his head lowered.

He doesn’t want to upset anyone else, and he definitely doesn’t want to answer anyone’s questions.

When they call their midday break, Junhui sits himself down against one of the mirrors, far from everyone else. They all form their usual circle in the middle of the room, tired heads supported by aching shoulders and shaky arms wrapped around rumbling stomachs.

A lump grows in Jun’s chest as he watches them fitting so perfectly together. It’s bruising his poor organs, digging a groove into his lungs, and any thought of interacting with the members only makes it hurt more. Keeping still- bar the fingers fiddling at the hem of his jumper- is all he can do not to panic.

If he thinks to much, he’s going to freak out, and then he’s going to make even more of a fool out of himself.

The boys seem to be having a great time, laughing and joking around in their usual rowdy fashion. They’re not bothered by the fact that Junhui isn’t included, if anything they may be enjoying themselves more for his absence. His heart hangs heavy in his chest.

“Junhui-hyung? You okay?” Seokmin asks when he’s distributing the chopsticks for lunch, holding a pair out for Junhui, setting them by his knee when he doesn’t take them. He crouches down and frowns at Jun’s disorientated expression.

Junhui searches Seokmin’s face- he sounds concerned but his eyes tell a different story. He keeps on redirecting his attention to look behind Jun’s head, looking towards the rest of the group through the mirror. He’s obviously itching to get back to them. It’s no surprise that he’d rather be with them than with Junhui- it’s obvious who is the more entertaining choice, always but especially now.

He’s only asking if something is wrong with Jun because he’s right in front of him, and it would be weird if he didn’t. Especially for Seokmin- he’s so lovely to everyone, it’s almost expected of him to try and keep everyone in good spirits, even if he doesn’t really care.

They’re all probably thinking the same thing. This is all Jun’s own fault, he’s the reason that he’s alone- _if he wasn’t so annoying_ -

Jun nods, curling his hands into fists as he stifles that train of thought. Seokmin frowns, eyes flitting up to the mirror behind him again. When a few more moments pass without Junhui saying any more, Seokmin cautiously gets to his feet.

Jun watches the back of Seokmin’s head as he spins on his heel and goes back to sit with the rest of the boys. He watches Seokmin laughing, a friendly smack on Seungkwan’s shoulder, tears of joy springing into Mingyu’s eyes. Junhui is quickly forgotten. It’s all a big joke to them. He’s a joke.

*

As soon as he’s settled back in their circle Seokmin feels a jab in his side, followed by Chan leaning in close to his ear. “Hey, is everything okay with Junnie-hyung?” Seokmin sighs, the both of them glancing across to where Junhui is sitting by himself, a pair of chopsticks beside him but no food to use them with. He’s just staring through the members with glassy eyes, like they’re not even there.

“I think he’s tired. He said he was fine. Maybe he didn’t sleep well?” Even as Seokmin is speaking, he knows that he isn’t convincing anyone- not even himself.

With an uneasy smile, Chan seeks out the box of food that was for Junhui and makes his way across the room, crouching down by his hyung’s side. He pops open the container and breaks Jun’s chopsticks in two for him, watching the elder until he slowly begins to eat.

“Sorry.” Junhui says, his words mumbled around a mouthful of food. “I didn’t realise.” Chan just hums, lifting a hand to play with the hair at the nape of Junhui’s neck, twirling the soft strands between his fingers. Usually, Junhui would preen under this sort of affection, but he doesn’t move and his blank expression doesn’t falter for a second.

Chan stays and watches him for a few minutes, trying to figure out something- anything- that he could do to help right now. Somehow, it’s would be so much easier if Jun was anxious and panicking, because Chan knows what he needs in that situation. At the moment though, he doesn’t even know what’s going on, let alone how to help.

He’s never seen Junhui like this, dazed and unfocused and lost. It seems similar to how Hansol gets sometimes, stuck in his own head and zoned out, but usually talking to Hansol and giving him some attention snaps him out of it. That doesn’t seem to be helping Jun at all.

Chan lowers his head to nudge against Jun’s shoulder, more to comfort himself than anything, taking in a lungful of Junhui’s familiar and calming scent. “Me and Soonyoung-hyung are going to stay here after practice. To work on the new performance unit choreography. Do you want to help us?” Chan asks. He’s itching to ask is something’s wrong, if he needs help, but Jun’s already said no once. Asking again would only get him pushed away. Junhui doesn’t like questions.

“Why?” Junhui asks curtly, and Chan tries not to take it personally.

“I want to spend some time with you.” Is how he chooses to reply. And it’s true- he misses his hyung. And they have the best time when they’re choreographing, especially for something that doesn’t have an imminent deadline. They mess about and laugh at themselves, flailing around to the music. It’s so much fun.

Junhui stops eating for a moment, blinking up at him like he’s trying to figure out what Chan’s just said. Chan is just about to repeat himself when Jun turns back to his lunch, although his hands remain still. He shakes his head. “I want to get an early night.” He replies, voice terse. He almost sounds choked up, like he’s trying to keep himself from crying. Chan frowns a little. _Did he strike a nerve?_

“Okay.” Chan doesn’t make to get up, staying next to Jun, watching him just in case he suddenly crumbles and needs Chan to comfort him. It’s only when Seungkwan calls over that his food is getting cold that he moves, deciding that there’s nothing he can do right now. He presses a kiss to Junhui’s temple before he leaves. Jun pushes away the rest of his meal.

*

Chan and Soonyoung don’t stay behind for as long as usual- Chan is too tense and Soonyoung is too worried. When Chan falls out of the same turn for a third time, curling his hands into fists in frustration, Soonyoung catches him by the waist. He cuddles up behind him, pressing as close as he get, and rests his chin on the younger’s shoulder. They make eye contact in the mirror.

"What's going on?" Soonyoung asks, but they both already know exactly what’s gotten Chan so unsettled. Soonyoung doesn’t like seeing him like this- he's usually so focused when they're choreographing, no matter what else is happening outside of their studio. This is really getting to him- it’s getting to them all.

"I just want to know what's wrong with Junhui-hyung." Chan replies, tilting his head to rest against the elder’s, turning slightly to press his nose into Soonyoung’s sweaty hair. Yeah, maybe it’s gross, but this is his boy and he can’t resist. One of Soonyoung's hands slips beneath the hem of Chan's T-shirt, short nails scratching lightly at the skin of his stomach. The younger hums and closes his eyes, preening under his hyung’s affection.

"Me too, baby. But if he doesn't want to tell us, we can't force it out of him. He'll come to us when he wants to. You know what he's like." Chan's silent for a moment, mulling over Soonyoung's words in his mind. Soonyoung dips his head so that he can press a series of kisses along the line of Chan's shoulder, the salty taste of sweat beneath his tongue.

"I know what he's usually like." Chan continues, eventually. "I can't help but feel like something's different this time."

“I spoke to him the other day, but he really didn’t want to talk. He just needs some time.” Chan just lets out a shaky breath, fingers tightening around Soonyoung’s wrists. “I’m worried about you.” Soonyoung whispers against Chan’s warm skin- maybe his words will sink directly into his bloodstream and he will finally start looking after himself, first and foremost. _Unlikely_. Chan just sighs.

*

Minghao observes the living room from the doorway for a moment before he walks in. Seokmin and Seungkwan are cuddled up on the sofa, a drama playing quietly on the telly. Wonwoo is on the other end- he’s got a book open in his lap but Mingyu nestled on the floor in front of him and Wonwoo seems more focused on running his hands through his boyfriend’s hair than reading.

This is one of those rare days when they finish practice early and actually get a couple of hours to themselves. It’s refreshing.

Junhui is curled up in the arm chair that’s positioned in the corner of the room. He’s all squished against the cushions, one in his lap, and he’s scrolling mindlessly through his phone. His hair is fluffy on top of his head, flopping over one eye, and he’s wrapped up in his softest jumper. He looks adorable.

Minghao already feels bad for the conversation they’re about to have.

He’s tempted to drag Junhui into the empty performance room to talk, not really sure if he should bring any of this up whilst the members are able to overhear them. It’s not like it’s too personal or Minghao’s going to yell at him, he’s just not sure what Junhui would be most comfortable with.

In the end- after he’s been staring at his boyfriend for too long for it not to be creepy- he decides that moving Junhui when he’s so soft and relaxed would be nothing short of a crime against humanity.

He takes the short walk into the room and hops up onto the arm of the chair, Junhui looking up from his phone with a nervous smile as Minghao’s tucks his toes in the warmth beneath Jun’s thigh. Minghao smiles down at him but Jun knows that something is going on- he locks his phone and drops it to the floor, scrunching the fabric of his jumper up in his hands instead.

Minghao sighs, caressing the backs of Jun’s nervous hands with his fingertips. “You didn’t come back to bed last night.” Minghao says, keeping his voice low as to not prick any ears. Jun tenses up immediately, dropping his eyes to zero in on his own knees. “Everything alright?”

Junhui shrugs, knocking Minghao’s hands away in the process. “I was keeping you up.” Minghao’s eyebrows furrow without him thinking about it. It’s startling for Jun to be so cold with him, lacking his usual fondness and sweetness.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-” From the corner of his eye, Minghao notices Mingyu’s head turn towards them, Wonwoo’s quickly following- so he switches into Mandarin. “I didn’t mean to, like, kick you out.” Junhui looks up at him again, and Minghao is relieved to find him a little more calm. The sound of their native language always serves to make Jun a little bit more comfy.

“No, it was fine. I was disturbing you. You deserve to rest.” Junhui replies but it only makes Minghao frown. He hates it when Jun does this, resists anyone and everyone trying to check on how he’s feeling by making himself out to be a burden. Minghao is concerned about Junhui spending a night on the sofa but Jun somehow twists it in his head to mean that he isn’t good enough.

They don’t often talk about it- how self-deprecating Jun can be- but Minghao always notices his little tricks. The things he says to try and convince everyone and himself that he is the problem. Minghao isn’t having it.

“I was only awake because it’s hard for me to sleep when I know that you aren’t comfy. I don’t want to go to sleep and leave you by yourself when you’re not completely okay.” Junhui lets out a long breath, unwinding one hand from his jumper to seek out one of Minghao’s, fingers squeezing around his palm. “You did sleep, didn’t you? After you left.”

“Yeah. In Seungkwan’s bed.” Despite the language barrier, Seungkwan always recognises his own name. He lifts his head from Seokmin’s shoulder just to yell at them.

“Yah! You two aren’t bitching about me, are you? It’s not fair if you do it in Mandarin.” He’s pouting as he complains and it’s so cute- Seokmin can’t resist pressing his nose against Seungkwan’s soft cheek. Minghao smiles at him, sliding down slowly until he’s laying against Junhui’s chest, face turned towards the sofa, ankles winding around Jun’s calves. Junhui lays a hand flat across his back.

“Maybe.” He replies, Seungkwan huffing, crossing his arms and turning back towards the telly. Minghao giggles and so does Junhui- Minghao squirms about a little until he can reach to press a kiss against Junhui’s smirking lips. Junhui sighs against him. “I’m gonna go shower. Care to join me?”

It’s Junhui who initiates the next kiss, although he’s then shaking his head. He doesn’t give a reason, and Minghao doesn’t push. _Junhui not wanting to shower with him does not mean that something’s wrong_ , Minghao tells himself. _Ten minutes apart from him won’t mess everything up_.

Junhui’s lips move as though he is about to apologise so Minghao silences him with another kiss. “Okay. I’ll be back then.” He nuzzles his nose into the curve of Jun’s jaw for a second before he pushes himself up and rolls onto the floor, landing perfectly on his feet like a cat.

“Ten out of ten! Perfect score!” Seokmin calls after him as he heads down the corridor.

*

Chan and Soonyoung return to the dorms pretty quickly after that, too pent up with worry to be creative, sick of staring at themselves in the mirror. Before even showering, they crowd into the vocal unit room where the 95-line are talking quietly. The five of them squeeze onto the two double beds they have jammed together in the corner of the room, the youngest pair in the middle of an impromptu cuddle pile.

"I just feel like I've got to do something, you know. Like- he helps me out so much, and so often, and I love him. I don't like seeing him like this. Like-" Chan is rambling; Jeonghan cuts him off, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before he speaks.

Of course Jeonghan has got his baby sprawled across his chest, arms keeping him snuggled close. Chan has melted against him, as he always does, his nose tucked into the cavern of his collarbone. "Like he's just sat there, not doing anything, all day." Is what Jeonghan adds. Chan sighs sadly before agreeing.

"Keep in mind that he's just like this sometimes. Maybe there's nothing that we can do." Seungcheol chimes in from underneath Soonyoung. Chan frowns a little, turning to Seungcheol for an explanation. Soonyoung just buries his head further into Seungcheol’s shoulder, squirming until Seungcheol wraps him up in one of his healing hugs. "I mean- he closes himself off and pushes us away. He worries so much, it's in his nature. I'm not saying that it's okay, but-" He trails off.

Jisoo reaches a hand over to stroke through Seungcheol’s hair, brushing it away from his face and smiling down at him. Seungcheol doesn’t like it when he can’t fix something. He gets antsy whenever something is wrong and there isn’t an immediate solution. It’s built into his bones, this need to do everything he can to remedy any adverse situation. Whenever something feels, or simply _is_ , out of his control, he gets down on himself, he feels like he’s failed.

"I think you're right to be worried, baby. But we might just have to wait it out. Cornering him isn't going to get us anywhere. We just need to be there for him if and when he needs us." Jeonghan's words don't sit right with him, but Chan is too tired to argue. He just wants everyone to be happy.

"Okay." Chan relents, but there’s still a deep frown etched onto his face. It has been there for a while. "Shower, Soonie?"

*

"Like he's just sat there, not doing anything, all day." Junhui freezes at the sound of Jeonghan's voice from inside the vocal unit bedroom, his heart beating in his throat.

"Yeah." Chan says, quieter but still very much audible. Jun lets out a shaky breath, not wanting to give himself away. He presses a hand over his quivering lips to muffle any distressed sound he might let slip.

"Keep in mind that he's just like this sometimes. Maybe there's nothing we can do." Seungcheol. They don't even have to say his name for Junhui to know that they're talking about him. Tears form beneath his eyelids as he flees the scene, bee-lining for his own room to smother himself in his bed sheets.


	4. Chapter 4

Junhui is so stressed out. It's half past eleven in the evening and he really should be in bed, he should be asleep. But every time he lies down and closes his eyes it's like his brain is working on overdrive. Thoughts rattle through his head, smashing against each other to get to the forefront of his mind- it's like a crash course inside of his skull. He just can't handle it, he has to get up and do something before he goes mad.

He'd left the performance unit room because Chan and Minghao were asleep and Soonyoung was working on his laptop, and Junhui didn't want to disturb them- not again. It was only yesterday that he kept Minghao up with his writhing around. He's now pacing up and down the length of the hallway with all of the lights switched off, wringing his hands together and chewing on his sore lower lip.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him tonight, his anxiety hasn't been this bad in so long. The last time this had happened, they'd just landed in Japan after the most stressful journey of his life, and so it was understandable that he had stayed up for half of the night rubbing his cheek against the cold glass of the balcony door, trying not to listen to the thoughts barrelling through his brain, a mile a minute.

This is worse, though, because that was back when the members had still liked him, or at least pretended that they did. He'd been sharing a room with Minghao and Mingyu, and they had stayed up with him- even though they’d all desperately needed sleep- just to rub his back and massage his ankles and remind him that he wasn't going crazy, that everything wasn't falling apart, and that he was going to be okay.

This time, though, he's alone. Totally, completely alone, in every sense of the word. The members' words from earlier whirl around in his mind. There's no way that they want to keep him now- if they're complaining to each other about how much of a burden he is. Chan must have gone to the two eldest after their conversation in the dance studio, just to give them even more reasons to hate him.

Just thinking about the members makes his chest hurt. He has to pause his pacing just to double over, pressing a hand over his mouth to muffle his sudden gasping. He needs to do something about this, it’s only getting worse the more he tries to calm down, the longer he stays here. He needs to get out.

With trembling hands, he pulls on the nearest pair of trainers that fit his feet and he's out of the door. It's only when he's out on the street that Jun realises he doesn't know where he's going- he doesn't have any money on him, and he only remembered his phone because it was already in the pocket of his sweatpants.

He wraps his arms around himself, jumping out of the way of a cyclist who comes rattling past. Looking from side to side, he takes a deep breath and decides- he'll go and visit the stray cats that Wonwoo feeds. That will make him feel better. They're usually in the alleyway a few buildings down from the dorms, so he starts on his way, ignoring the confused looks he's getting from other pedestrians. They probably think he’s crazy out at midnight in just his pyjamas, his eyes wet and lips bleeding.

Well, maybe they’re right. He feels pretty crazy right now.

The fresh air isn’t doing much to ease his anxiety, if anything, surrounding himself by strangers might not have been the best idea. He speeds up, rushing towards his destination, desperate to be alone again. He gets there in just a few minutes, and he can’t help the way his heart squeezes painfully when he sees that none of the cats are around. He just needs help _god damn it_ why is everything so hard tonight?

His chin is trembling enough to make his teeth chatter as he sits down against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him, hands hiding his face. The concrete is making the backs of his thighs cold and he really should have put a jumper on. God, he's so _stupid_.

Junhui startles when he feels a gentle pressure on his leg, dropping his hands hesitantly so that he can look down, only to see one of the cats bumping their head against his thigh. A couple of tears dribble onto his cheeks as he stretches a hand towards the animal, letting out a shaky sigh when it turns and sniffs his knuckles before butting its face against them.

Jun uncurls his fingers to scratch at its head and behind its pointy ears, smiling when it comes closer and drops down by his side, purring softly. It's so _cute_ , he wants to take it back to the dorm with him- it's short hair is grey with white splodges scattered across its legs, and one in the very centre of its back.And it's small, it must only be a kitten. Junhui's heart hurts for a kitten not having an owner, relying on Wonwoo and the bag of cat food he requests on the weekly grocery list. It must be so lonely.

Junhui lets his head fall to the side, blinking down at the cat and finally letting himself relax, petting the kitten and listening to the soothing sounds of the city. He can get so worked up sometimes, it's pathetic. No wonder the others are sick of him, he wastes so much of their time being scared. At least he’s not wasting their time tonight.

*

It’s midnight when Seungcheol does his usual round of the dorms, turning off lights and checking that all of the kids are in their bedrooms. If he’s completely exhausted, he generally just checks that Jihoon, Soonyoung, and Chan are home and not working late into the night. This evening, though, he decides to stick his head into each of the three rooms. He pulls the duvet back up over Seungkwan and Hansol from where it’s hanging on the floor, he takes Mingyu’s headphones from his ears and turns his music off, and he realises that Junhui is missing.

The performance unit bedroom is pitch black apart from the light coming from Soonyoung's laptop, revealing Chan asleep next to him, face tucked tightly against his hyung’s hip, and Minghao alone in the other bed, breathing softly. Seungcheol doesn't panic yet, backing out of the room to check the bathrooms and the lounge- Junhui is infamous for falling asleep on the sofa or sometimes on the ground in front of it. He's not there now though, and this is when Seungcheol begins to worry.

It’s not difficult to worry about Junhui.

He returns to the performance room, waving a hand in front of Soonyoung's laptop screen to get his attention, to get him to take his headphones off. "I'll go to sleep soon, I pro-" Soonyoung starts, but Seungcheol cuts off his rambling, perching on the edge of the mattress.

"Where's Junhui?" He tries to keep the distress from his tone, but Soonyoung's eyes widen immediately. His head springs to the side, looking over at the spot where Junhui should be.

"I thought he was in bed. He was there when Minghao went to bed." Soonyoung's hand moves to comb through Chan's hair, his motherly instinct kicking in. He needs to know that at least one of his boys is with him and is safe.

"I'm going to message him. But if we don't hear back-" Seungcheol sighs, and stops talking. He doesn't want to think about that outcome. Soonyoung winces; Seungcheol unlocks his phone.

*

Junhui is only pulled out of his own thoughts when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He’s careful to dig it out without disturbing the kitty who still perched by his side.

He immediately kicks himself, realising how stupid he's been when he sees the notification from the group chat. They're all going to be so mad at him. He unlocks his phone with trembling fingers.

**papacoups**

junhui-yah, where are you? did you go out?

**littlebug**

yeah  
sorry  
i just came to see the cats

**wonu**

don’t tell me you’re in the alleyway at this time of night

**littlebug**

sorry

**papacoups**

stay where you are, we’ll come and get you

**littlebug**

you don’t need to do that i’ll come back

**papacoups**

stay where you are

Junhui can't help but start to cry. He hadn't wanted to cause any trouble, he just needed to calm himself down. And now the members are going to hate him even more. He's being such a burden- he just wanted to get out of their way, why is this happening? What if they ring their _manager? What if he's finally kicked out of the group, and sent back to China? What if-_

His sobs only get louder when his kitty friend startles and runs off into the darkness, scared by the painful noises Junhui is making. He doesn't even have the strength to muffle himself anymore, forgetting that he's in public and just letting himself cry. He's trembling so hard his phone falls from his lap, and he has to pull his knees up to his chest just to keep them still, keep them from knocking against the concrete. He's wearing a pair of Seokmin's sweatpants and he'll be so mad if Junhui gives them back with holes worn in them.

*

"Was he alright earlier? I haven't seen him since we got home?" Seungcheol asks as he types.

"I thought so. I mean- he was tired, but we all were. He was tossing and turning a bit, but I thought he was asleep. I didn't even see him get up, I-" Seungcheol shushes him softly, looking up to smile at him. He brushes a hand over his cheek, silently encouraging him to settle down.

Seungcheol's about to speak when his phone buzzes, three replies coming from Junhui in quick succession, another from Wonwoo following them. He frowns as he reads them, and Soonyoung pulls his phone closer to look, impatiently. "Oh, Junnie." Seungcheol sighs as he responds, getting up and heading towards the door. "I'm gonna go get him."

Soonyoung scrambles to his feet, displacing Chan, who stirs awake and whines. "I'll come with you." He says, before kneeling back down next to their maknae to apologise. "Sorry, baby. It's alright, go back to sleep." Chan whimpers again and blinks his eyes open.

"Where y'going?" He mumbles, reaching out to grasp tiredly at the fabric of Soonyoung's hoodie. Soonyoung cradles his face between the palms of his hands and kisses his forehead.

“Junhui’s out, we’re going to get him. Don’t worry, baby, you can stay in bed.” When Chan still refuses to settle, blearily pushing himself up on his elbows and frowning up at his boyfriend with the most adorable little pout adorning his lips, Soonyoung sighs. “You’re lucky you’re so cute.” He says as he scoops Chan into his arms, carrying him the short distance to the other bed. He deposits the boy next to Minghao, who he quickly cuddles up against. Chan smiles contentedly as Soonyoung tucks him in. _The little brat_.

Seungcheol's waiting in the doorway with his trainers when he turns back around- Soonyoung takes them and shoves them onto his feet.

*

It's only a few minutes later that Junhui hears footsteps barrelling down the alleyway, coupled with frantic calls of his name. He doesn't respond, just waits for them to find him, huddled up against the brick wall. It's Soonyoung and Seungcheol, which he only barely registers when they crouch down in his line of sight. They immediately have their hands on him, stroking his hair and squeezing his shoulders. "Junhui-yah, what were you thinking?" Seungcheol's angry, Jun can tell, and it makes him even more scared. He didn't want to make them _angry_.

"I'm sorry, hyung, please don't be mad- I just- please don't-" Junhui begins to stutter out. His lips are numb and his head's not straight and his Korean is even more jumbled than usual. He sounds like an idiot. Well, that's about right because he _is_ an idiot.

"Bug, we're not mad. We're just worried." Soonyoung cuts him off in a soft voice, leaning close to press his lips against Junhui's temple, one hand between the back of his head and the wall. "We're just worried about you. No one's angry, I promise." Junhui whimpers, instinctively leaning into Soonyoung's chest, despite the voice in the back of his mind telling him that he'll only get pushed away. He's relieved when Soonyoung's arms wrap tightly around him- he's obviously in the mood to take pity on the crying boy.

"He's right, Jun-ah. I'm sorry I yelled. I was just scared." Junhui squeezes his eyes shut, his ears still ringing even as Soonyoung rocks him gently from side to side. Junhui loves cuddles, he loves being held and looked after. Usually, everyone's too busy to give him the attention he craves and he's too shy to ask for it, so he'll take any snuggles that he's offered. _He’s so greedy_.

Seungcheol sighs and Junhui tenses up. He can't believe he's forced them to come all the way out here, to comfort him in a cold and dingy alleyway all because he's too weak to look after himself. Regretfully, he hauls himself away from Soonyoung, leaning back against the wall again. The sooner he pulls himself together, the sooner they can get back to the dorms, and Seungcheol and Soonyoung can get back into their warm beds.

"Let's get you home." Seungcheol says, reaching forward to ruffle his hair, pushing his messy fringe back from his face with a tense smile. When he's stopped crying, he's probably going to get such a bollocking from their leader. He's so stupid.

*

Neither of them can help but run once they're outside, the worst possible scenarios running through their heads. All they know is that Jun is sat in a dark alleyway in Seoul at midnight, and that's not very reassuring. It's not that they don’t think Jun can take care of himself, it's just that he's an easy target- he's young and he’s pretty and he gets scared easily, anyone could take advantage of him. Seungcheol shakes his head to clear his thoughts- they need to focus on getting to Junhui right now. Thinking the worst isn’t going to help.

He looks so small, curled up against the wall, face tucked into the gap between his knees. He's trembling and crying and Soonyoung's heart lurches with the need to look after him. He's immediately on his knees next to the panicking boy, smothering him with comforting touches and subtly checking him over for injuries. "Junhui-yah, what were you thinking?" Soonyoung winces- Seungcheol sounds angry. Even though Soonyoung knows that he's not, Junhui doesn't, and he doesn't like confrontation.

As Junhui stutters out an apology, Soonyoung holds him tighter. God, he hates seeing Junhui so scared and upset. He's so wonderful, he deserves everything good in the world. It hurts that he's been so closed off recently, spending a lot of time by himself and seemingly avoiding any social interaction. They all know that something is wrong, but they're scared to push it just in case it just makes Jun back off even more. "Bug, we're not mad. We're just worried." Soonyoung tries to reassure him, leaning forward to kiss the side of his head.

He holds his breath, fully prepared for Junhui to pull away like he's become so used to- but he doesn't. Soonyoung sighs in relief as Junhui melts into him, cuddling closer and accepting the comfort Soonyoung is offering. "We're just worried about you. No one's angry, I promise." He whispers against the top of Jun's head. Junhui whimpers and Soonyoung's heart hurts. He's obviously so upset and anxious right now, but Soonyoung can tell that he's holding back, he's feeling insecure and he's worried about what they're thinking of him.

"He's right, Jun-ah. I'm sorry I yelled. I was just scared." Seungcheol looks guilty, crouched in front of the pair as they rock from side to side. Seungcheol watches Jun's face, scrunched up and pressed into Soonyoung's jumper. He has no idea what's going through the boy's head, what's upset him so much that he's this broken, this _anguished_.

Seungcheol just wants to fix it right away. He wants to take Jun by the shoulders and shake him until the truth spills out so that he can make everything better. He wants to scour the city for anyone who could have caused this, he wants to destroy them. But he can't do that- not now at least. Their Jun is sobbing and shivering on the concrete, he needs home, he needs comfort- that's the first thing that Seungcheol needs to fix. With a steadying breath, Seungcheol cards a hand through Jun's tousled hair. "Let's get you home."

As Soonyoung guides Junhui back down the street, their leader clearing the way, Seungcheol texts Jeonghan. As much as Seungcheol loves his members- he loves them so dearly- he knows that he's not the best at showing it, at least not in the traditional ways. He's much better at making sure they are safe, handling the company so that they don't have to, intercepting any bad press before it gets to the kids so that they don't have to deal with it. He's always there for cuddles, to brush fringes from faces, but Jeonghan's much better at it. Seungcheol needs back up.

*

Seungcheol and Soonyoung both hold a hand out to help him up, but Junhui refuses- he can do it by himself. His knees are shaky and his head is fuzzy but he manages to pull himself from the ground, his palms getting a little grimy in the process. He lowers his head to hide his tear-streaked face as they emerge onto the street, Soonyoung's hand in the dip of his back gently guiding him, steering him away from puddles and lamp posts and other pedestrians. They're climbing the stairs to the dorm within five minutes and Junhui is dreading walking in. He's going to get _yelled at_.

He starts to tremble again when Seungcheol opens the front door and beckons him inside. Just as he's gearing up to spew out apologies and excuses to try and avoid punishment, Jeonghan is sweeping into the foyer and wrapping him up in a warm hug. He coos in Junhui's ear, not letting go even as he encourages the younger to take off his shoes. When he pulls away, he knocks their foreheads together softly and takes him by the elbow, leading him through the living room and towards the bathroom. "Let's get you cleaned up a little, huh? You must be cold, my poor baby." He mumbles quietly, obviously trying to keep the others from waking up.

Junhui's eyes are wide as Jeonghan sits him down on the lid of the toilet, pressing a damp flannel into his palms to clean the mud from them as he gets some of Mingyu's skin toner on a cotton wool pad. "You've been crying, Junnie-bug? Your cheeks are all salty." He says as he drags the pad across his cheeks and under his eyes, wiping away the remnants of Junhui's tears. Junhui blinks up at him.

Jeonghan notices the confusion in his eyes and tilts his face up with a hand under his chin. "What's that face for?" He asks, and Junhui's eyebrows furrow- Jeonghan smooths out the creases with the pad of his thumb.

"Why aren't you yelling at me, hyung?" Junhui asks, squeezing the flannel between his fingers nervously. Jeonghan takes the cloth from him and turns back to the sink.

"Don't be silly, why would I yell at you? I'm here to take care of you." He doesn't look angry, per se, but he doesn't look happy either. Junhui cringes, curling in on himself as Jeonghan runs the newly-damp flannel across the back of his neck. "Come on, let's get you out of these clothes."

*

The look on Jun’s face when he’s swept up in Jeonghan’s arms is more heartbreaking than anything else Seungcheol has witnessed this evening.

He’s genuinely and completely stunned.

Seungcheol has never felt like a worse hyung, a worse leader, than he does in this very moment. Junhui should expect to be comforted when he’s crying and panicking, he shouldn’t look so surprised that someone is looking after him. It’s a common knowledge that Junhui has been going through a rough patch recently, and the fact that he doesn’t expect to be comforted means that Seungcheol has failed him.

Jeonghan and Junhui disappear into the bathroom just as Jisoo shows up, coming to stand in front of Seungcheol, looking adorably ruffled in his pyjamas. He places a warm hand on either side of the elder’s face, hissing a little when he feels just how cold Seungcheol is. “What happened?” He asks, his voice as soft as always, reminding Seungcheol just how late it is.

Seungcheol gapes for a minute, trying to get his head around it all. He blinks a little fast as tears form in the corners of his eyes, Jisoo immediately moving to thumb them away. He steps forward so that his feet are between Seungcheol’s, their chests pressed together. “I- I don’t know.” Seungcheol eventually says, when his mouth begins to cooperate again. “He was all worked up- anxious- he went to visit the cats to calm himself down, probably. I- I think something’s wrong.” Jisoo nods, he has the exact same uncomfortable feeling in his gut.

“Jisoo, I-” Seungcheol’s throat is clogged with unshed tears and the sound of it makes Jisoo’s chest pull. He hates it when Seungcheol gets upset, it feels like their world is falling apart. But he also understands just how hard it is to find one of their dongsaengs in such a bad away- he knows how it feels to find Junhui sobbing in the middle of the night. “How have I let this happen? He’s- he’s just- I- I should have known- he’s just-”

Jisoo presses a kiss to his mouth to cut him off, to temper his trembling lips. Seungcheol kisses back immediately, latching onto the comfort and the warmth of his boyfriend- it’s all that he needs at the moment. He whimpers a little when Jisoo pulls away, guiding Seungcheol’s head towards his shoulder.

“Baby, you can’t do this right now. You can’t blame yourself for this when we don’t know what’s really going on. I won’t let you do that to yourself.” Jisoo knows how Seungcheol gets when things like this happen. He becomes so convinced of his failure that he won’t rest until he’s solved the problem. A lot of the time, he just ends up making things worse- stressing himself out, which, in turn, stresses all of the kids out as well.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning, yeah? Go get into bed. I’ll help Jeonghan get Junnie settled and then we’ll come join you.” Jisoo tells him, firmly, the finality in his words and the glint in his eyes leaving no room for argument. No matter how much Seungcheol is itching to stay up, to talk to Junhui, to hold him until he smiles again, he knows that he can’t. He just nods blindly instead. “We’ll sort everything out in the morning.”

*

“Are you warm enough, sweetie?” Jeonghan whispers. He’s perched on the edge of what is technically Seungkwan’s mattress, facing Junhui who is wrapped up in a blanket with a warm mug of tea cradled between his hands. He nods, taking another sip and keeping his eyes downcast. “Okay.”

Jisoo is closer, almost tucked into Junhui’s side, brushing a hand through his hair. Normally, Junhui would be squirming happily under this sort of attention, all shy smiles and sweet little giggles. But right now he’s stiff and tense, his face a blank sheet of desolation.

They know that he must be embarrassed. He gets flustered so easily, at a slight grammatical error he makes or when he laughs so loudly he disturbs another member or even just when he’s taken by surprise and lets out a squeal. If he’s embarrassed by those tiny inconsequential things, there’s no way that he’s not embarrassed about breaking down in the middle of the street.

But Jisoo desperately wants him to feel comfortable around them. He wants Jun to know that they’re far more focused on why he got so upset rather than the event itself and how they can help him. But that’s not the way Junhui’s brain works. He always thinks that he’s in the wrong.

And on top of all of that, Junhui is exhausted. His cheeks are pale and the corners of his mouth are drooping downwards, and his slow blinking is always a tell tale sign that he needs to sleep. Jisoo doesn’t want to leave him. How will he know that Junhui’s trying to rest and not silently beating himself up? If Jun won’t tell him, how is he supposed to help?

All he knows is that hovering is the worst thing that he can do. He takes Junhui’s mug from him when it’s empty and gets to his feet, leaning down to press a kiss to Junhui’s forehead and briefly stroke a hand across his cheek before he bids him goodnight and heads towards the kitchen. There, he stands and washes the barely-dirty mug out meticulously, trying to abay his nerves. If he’s honest, all he’s trying to abay is the itch in his limbs to run back to the bedroom and wrap Junhui up in a hug and cotton wool.

“You gonna be okay on your own?” Jeonghan asks after Jisoo has left. Junhui goes to just nod at him once more but Jeonghan stops him, tapping a couple of fingers across the back of his neck. “Talk to me, Jun-ah. Please.”

Junhui finally meets his eyes. “I want to be alone.” Jeonghan can hardly hear him when he does speak, his hoarse voice barely there among the background of sleeping boys. Jeonghan doesn’t push it, though. Of course he doesn’t. It’s his turn to nod.

“Settle down then. I’ll tuck you in.” Junhui does as instructed, shuffling down the bed and rolling onto his side, curling into a little ball with his forehead against the wall to chill his flushed skin. Jeonghan drags the duvet up from his waist and over his shoulder, smoothing out his blanket underneath until he’s all bundled up. With a final kiss to the crown of Jun’s head, Jeonghan returns to his bed, where Seungcheol has been watching them and biting on his thumbnail.

Jeonghan digs his thumb from between his teeth and presses a kiss to the round tip of his nose, bumping their foreheads together in a reassuring gesture. Seungcheol relaxes only slightly, not completely until Jisoo returns and snuggles up behind him, burying his face in the elder’s warm back.


	5. Chapter 5

Wen Junhui is a creature of habit. He has certain things that he does or places that he goes when he’s not okay. When he’s sick, he huddles up on the sofa and tries his best to sleep off his illness. When he’s anxious, he likes to squeeze himself into the spot between the armchair and the wall in the far corner of the living room, or the shoe closet by the front door- but only when it’s been tidied which, admittedly, isn’t very often. When he’s scared, he hides out in the laundry room- he used to curl up in one end of the bath until someone had turned the shower on whilst he was in there.

The morning after he’s caught in the alleyway, Jun wakes up before everyone else does and tucks himself between the top of the washing machine and the cupboards that hang above it. He doesn’t want to see anyone, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, so he hides. He leaves his phone under Seungkwan’s pillow and drags a blanket with him, keeping himself wrapped up tight, eyes wide and fixed on the door.

He sits there for a good couple of hours before he’s found. It’s not like he hasn’t hidden there before but usually the others decide not to bother him when he’s like this, understanding that sometimes he just needs to be by himself. Now, though, they’re not being as patient.

Jun stiffens up when the door handle twists, pulling at the edge of his blanket to cover his face, as if that would make him invisible. It doesn’t. “Hey there, Jun-bug.” Jisoo half-whispers, closing the door softly behind himself and coming to stand in front of Junhui’s perch. Jisoo doesn’t say anything else after that, he just stays silent and waits.

Jisoo feels unsettled. This situation is familiar, and yet he’s still totally incapable of dealing with it. He has no idea how to make Junhui feel better.

Eventually, Junhui’s curiosity wins out and he lowers the blanket just a little bit, enough to blink one eye up at his hyung. The elder immediately breaks into a smile, eyes crinkling up with the force of his grin. Junhui feels a bit better for it. “There you are~” He coos, one hand finding Jun’s upper arm and squeezing fondly. “You’re not feeling good, huh?” Jun shakes his head, only a minute movement beneath the mound of fabric on top of him. Jisoo doesn’t seem to catch it.

“Why don’t you come and sit on the sofa with me, I’m sure it’s a lot comfier.” Junhui lifts the blanket again, hiding his face once more. He doesn’t want to leave, he wants to stay in his safe space. As soon as he leaves, everyone is going to be asking him questions, getting him to spill his secrets, trying to understand what’s going on in his head. But he doesn’t want them to know, because as soon as they do they’re going to be angry and he doesn't want to be yelled at- he doesn't want to be in trouble- _he doesn't want_ -

He doesn’t realise that he’s started to cry until Jisoo leans in closer, pulling Junhui into his arms. Jun’s head falls into the cradle of his shoulder instinctively as Jisoo runs a hand up and down his back, humming against the shell of his ear. Junhui whines, feeling so pathetic. He should pull away, sort himself out, stop wasting Jisoo’s time. But also, he wants to be coddled- he wants to sob into his hyung’s chest and be looked after, even if he knows that it won’t fix anything. If anything, he’s just proving how useless he is. His head is too muddled to figure this out right now.

“It’s alright, angel. Don’t worry, it’s okay. Whatever’s going on, we’ll sort it, yeah? We’ll look after you.” Jisoo’s words sound so sincere, but Jun knows that it’s not, it can’t be- he just feels bad that Jun’s crying, they can’t actually fix anything.

Junhui’s an adult, he’s one of the oldest, he’s supposed to be able to sort his own shit out. He should look after himself when he’s upset, he should be able to hold himself together, the others shouldn’t have to do anything for him. He shouldn’t have them running around the city in the middle of the night because he’s decided to have a breakdown.

With a final weary sniffle, Junhui hauls himself out of Jisoo’s arms and lowers his head, hopping down from the washing machine without making eye contact. His face is flushed and his sinuses are sticky, but he shouldn’t be crying like this. He shouldn’t be taking Jisoo’s time from him- they should be looking after the kids. “I’m gonna go shower.” Junhui mumbles, holding his blanket tighter around his own shoulders as he slips from the room, leaving a bewildered Jisoo behind with a wet patch on his T-shirt.

He locks himself in the bathroom even though he knows that he isn’t allowed to. He turns the shower on but he doesn’t get into it, letting the water go to waste down the drain. Instead, he curls up next to the sink, his blanket protecting his feet from the cold tiles and protecting the tiles from his tears.

*

“Yeah, he was just sat against the wall in that little alleyway. Anything could have happened, he was a wreck.” Soonyoung’s voice is slow and sleepy, his eyes halfway closed, head lolled to the side. He’d hardly slept at all after they’d gotten Junhui home, sat on the floor next to Seungkwan’s bed. He’d only gotten a few hours of rest after Jeonghan had gotten up just to drag him away, tucking him in beside Minghao and warning him to stay there.

After Jeonghan and Jisoo had gone to sleep and Soonyoung had snuck back into the vocal unit bedroom, Jun had begun to cry again, his tears lasting far into the night. Soonyoung had done his best to comfort him whilst he wasn’t being pushed away. He knew that as soon as Junhui was less worked up, he would be refusing Soonyoung’s affections all over again.

Maybe it was a little selfish of him. He probably should have woken Minghao, or Chan and Hansol, to help soothe Junhui and calm him down. But Soonyoung hasn’t been able to sit and stroke Jun’s hair and whisper to his hyung in a good while. Besides, Soonyoung would have never been able to leave Jun to be sad on his own, not even for a second, no matter how tired he was.

Currently, Soonyoung’s sat slumped against the headboard of Wonwoo’s bed, arms wrapped around his middle as Wonwoo lays curled up on his side, watching him. Soonyoung had been alone when he’d woken up- groggy and with a pounding headache- the sheets that Minghao had slept on were cold. He had immediately come to find Wonwoo. He needed some of the younger’s relaxed rationality right now.

“What was he thinking? Going out into the middle of Seoul at midnight, for fuck’s sake.” Wonwoo shakes his head, exasperated. He sounds angry but Soonyoung knows that it’s coming from a place of love and protection. It always is with Wonwoo.

It’s hard not to see just how much Wonwoo adores Junhui. There’s no doubt that he dotes on Junhui more than any other member. It hurts him to know how much Jun is struggling, especially when he hasn’t been able to help. All he wants is for Junhui to be happy, to be laughing obnoxiously in his ear and tripping all over himself in excitement. Jun deserves to be the happiest boy on earth.

The most frustrating part is that Junhui doesn’t look after himself properly, he doesn’t treat himself well. Everyone in existence adores him like no other, handles him with utmost care, yet he doesn’t do the same. He ignores his needs and puts himself in unnecessary danger all because he’s too scared to ask for help.

“He was upset, Won. God, you should have seen him- he was crying so hard. I’ve never seen him in such a bad way, I-” Soonyoung cuts himself off when his bleary eyes land on a figure hovering in the doorway. Chan is hunched in on himself, his head lowered. “Baby?” Soonyoung asks, sitting up, all of a sudden completely alert. Chan looks up- Soonyoung draws in a breath at the heartbroken expression on his little face.

“Why would he do that? What got him so upset? I don’t understand.” Soonyoung pats the space next to him on the bed and Chan crosses the room in seconds, cuddling up into Soonyoung’s side, his head falling into the familiar curve of his hyung’s shoulder. Soonyoung laces a hand in his hair and murmurs against the skin of his temple.

“I don’t know, sunshine. I wish I could tell you.” Chan huffs, pressing himself closer. Wonwoo doesn’t say anything- Soonyoung’s a lot better at comforting with his words than he is. Instead, he takes one of Chan’s hands in his, running a thumb across his knuckles. Chan turns his head just enough to give him a soft smile, so grateful for the ways his hyungs dote on him when he’s feeling down. He’s just upset that they- himself included- haven’t been able to do that for Junhui recently.

“I just miss having him to help me. Like- everyone makes me feel so happy and comforted when I need it but, Junnie-hyung- he just-” Chan stops, taking a moment to focus on getting his words right. He doesn’t want to accidentally tell Soonyoung and Wonwoo that Junhui is better than them, because he’s not, it’s just different. Soonyoung knocks their foreheads together to give him a little bit of encouragement. “He just knows exactly what it’s like, you know? And that’s nice when I’m feeling so upset or out of it or scared, he knows exactly what to do.”

“I haven’t really thought about it like that. When he’s isolating himself like this, we miss him as a hyung and as a friend, but I guess I never realised that you’re missing a really important support system.” Chan shifts his head so that his cheek is resting against Soonyoung’s sternum, so that he can feel the rumble of his ribcage as he talks. Wonwoo shuffles a bit closer as well, huddling into Soonyoung’s warmth.

“I just want to be able to go to him when I’m not feeling great, or when I just need one of his hugs, or a bit of encouragement. But I can never find him or he’s asleep or- he’s so sad right now, I don’t want to force him to look after me when it’s him that needs help. I don’t like it I just- want everything to be normal again. I want my Junnie-hyung back. I want to help but I can’t- I can’t do anything-”

Soonyoung shushes Chan gently as he begins to get worked up, tugging him impossibly closer. Wonwoo reaches an arm around him to press a palm against his ribs, rubbing softly until he’s able to breathe again.

“I know you’re worried and you miss him, but remember that you’re not responsible for this, baby. It’s not your job to make sure that Junnie’s okay, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, okay? We can try to help but please don’t do it at the cost of your own wellbeing. Jun wouldn’t want that.”

“I know he wouldn’t.”

*

“What happened?” Wonwoo finds Jisoo sat outside the bathroom door, wringing his hands as he listens to the sound of Junhui crying. He’s talking through the door softly, but it seems as though he’s been there for a while without success. Jisoo looks frustrated, like he can’t decide whether to break the door down or walk away in silence. Wonwoo crouches beside him to squeeze a reassuring hand around his shoulder.

“I tried talking to him but he got upset. It’s locked.” Jisoo sounds exasperated, and tired. Wonwoo doesn’t like the look of tears in his eyes. It doesn’t suit him.

“Let me have a go. You should go rest, hyung.” Wonwoo says, and Jisoo throws him a grateful smile. They all love to take care of each other, and they would never want anyone to be alone when they’re upset, but it can be hard trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s hard to comfort someone who pushes away your every effort.

Wonwoo pulls Jisoo to his feet and gives him a quick hug before sending him on his way. He knocks gently on the bathroom door and hears Jun’s breath hitch. “Junnie~” He coos, sounding softer than usual. He hates it when Junhui cries. “What’s got you so upset, huh? Can I help?” Jun sniffles pitifully.

“No.” Is all he says in response, his voice thick with tears. “I don’t need anything.” Wonwoo hopes that Jun doesn’t hear his sigh.

“Junhui, I don’t want you being upset. You shouldn’t be crying in the bathroom on your own. Come on, talk to me.” The thing is, Junhui is his best friend. They’re all like family, and Junhui’s a little bit more fond of his performance members, but Wonwoo and Junhui are just best buddies. Wonwoo may pretend that he’s annoyed by Jun’s childish whims and loud cackling, but he really does adore the older boy. They know everything about each other, they have each other’s backs- that’s how it will always be.

That’s why it’s even more frustrating when Junhui won’t let him past his carefully constructed walls. Wonwoo knows that he gets stuck in his own head sometimes, convincing himself that he should deal with his shit alone, but you’re supposed to talk to your best friend about how you’re feeling. Whenever Wonwoo is upset, Junhui is the first person that he goes to. The number of times he’s cried on Junhui’s shoulder is uncountable, yet the other members are half convinced that he is incapable of producing tears.

“I don’t want to.” Wonwoo’s hands curl into fists before he can stop himself. But then he takes a breath and thinks. Junhui is his best friend, but that doesn’t mean that he owes Wonwoo anything. Sure, Wonwoo would like for Jun to feel comfortable enough to talk to him about everything, but maybe he’s not, and that’s okay. He has anxiety, he struggles with his mental health, and that’s okay. He’s suffering more than Wonwoo is, and being upset about their friendship is not going to help Junhui feel better. Getting angry with him is not going to help.

“Junnie, I’m just trying to help.”

“Don’t.” Even though he knows that he shouldn’t, Wonwoo rolls his eyes and takes a deep breath. He eventually decides that, if Junhui isn’t going to let him, then there’s nothing he can do to remedy this situation. If he wants to be left to sort himself out, then he can have that. There’s only so much that they can do.

Wonwoo has to admit that he’s letting his resentment get the better of him. Despite rationality, he’s _angry_. He’s angry that Jun doesn’t trust him- not just angry at Junhui but also at himself. Maybe he should be patient and wait this out, do right by his hyung, but if he stays any longer he’s probably going to say something he’ll regret.

"Fine." And with that, Wonwoo leaves Junhui just as he wants to be. Alone.

*

Meanwhile, Hansol sits on the edge of his bed and bends his fingers back until they hurt. The hip hop unit bedroom is directly across from the bathroom that Junhui has been hiding out in and so Hansol has been listening to him crying for almost thirty minutes. He’s tempted to go out and try to talk Junnie down himself, but he knows that he isn’t good enough with his words and he’ll only make everything worse.

He falls down onto his back with a huff of air, turning his head to rub his cheek against the fabric of his bed sheets. He only stops when he remembers how angry their stylists will be if he makes a state of his face. He resorts to tensing and untensing his shoulders and itching his teeth with his tongue. It doesn’t help, he can still hear Jun’s sobs.

“Solie?” Hansol jerks at the sound of Chan’s voice, instinctively reaching out to grapple at his wrists. He pulls and Chan stumbles, shushing Hansol as he climbs onto the bed beside him, rearranging his arms so Hansol can hold onto them comfortably. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you, hyung.”

“Can you hear him?” Hansol asks, shuffling closer so that their noses are touching and their eyes are fixed on each other, blocking everything else out. Chan nods. “I don’t know what to do.” Chan blinks slowly and takes a long breath. Hansol can tell exactly what’s going on in his head.

He wants to break the bathroom door down, that’s what Chan wants to do. He wants to press a kiss to Jun’s cheek and for everything to be immediately better. He wants to wrap his hyung up in a blanket and squeeze the pain from his lungs. He wants to shove a jumper under their bedroom door and block any bad feelings from reaching them.

“Jisoo-hyung said we should leave him alone.” Chan replies through gritted teeth. Hansol nods, the tip of his nose rubbing against Chan’s which makes the younger smile a little bit. “I was going to sit in the corridor. We could wait for him?” Hansol gets up in a flash and drags Chan up behind him.

They sit with their backs against the hip hop unit door, pressed side by side, fingers laced together and perched in Hansol’s lap. They’re quiet, silent, as they wait for their hyung. It’s only a little while before Jun is quiet as well, followed by the sound of the water running into the sink.

Hansol and Chan watch the bathroom door with wide eyes.

When Jun finally pokes his head out, his eyes are red and swollen and there are dots of blood beading on his lower lip. He freezes when he sees his dongsaengs. If it were anyone else waiting for him, he probably would have turned straight back around and locked himself away again. But this is Hansol and Chan. _Hansol and Chan_.

So instead of escaping, he just asks “cuddle?” in a small voice.

Hansol gets to his feet and all but propels himself into Jun’s arms, nodding against his collarbone. Jun meets Chan’s eyes over Hansol’s shoulder and Chan can tell that he _knows_.

Chan steps forward to lay both hands on Hansol’s back as a warning. He doesn’t want to crowd Junhui too fast, he’s obviously not up for it. They both know that Junhui would sacrifice his own comfort any day for Hansol, but Chan doesn’t want him to right now. He wants Jun to be the centre of attention.

Hansol seems to get the message, stepping back a little sheepishly until he’s caged in the comfort of Chan’s arms, bumping back against his chest. He whispers an apology but Jun dismisses it, pressing a kiss to his forehead, lingering for a long moment.

They don’t really talk after that. They end up in a pile on Jun and Minghao’s bed, Junhui sandwiched between his dongsaengs. They ignore the way Hansol is fiddling with the neckline of Junhui’s shirt, and they ignore how hard Jun’s entire body is trembling.

*

Wonwoo is glad that Junhui joins them for dinner- Mingyu seems to have worked his magic with those puppy dog eyes to get him out of bed. He doesn’t really say anything except a compliment to Mingyu on their meal- and he’s definitely not joking around as he would usually do. He’s not doing much more than taking repetitive bites of his food and refusing to meet anyone’s eyes.

Throughout the whole of dinner, Minghao is watching Junhui from across the table, waiting for a smile or at least some sort of acknowledgment. He gets nothing.

Minghao has been desperate to get Junhui alone since he’d found out what had happened whilst he was sleeping. He’d tried to catch him after he’d left the bathroom earlier, but he, Chan, and Hansol had gone immediately to bed. Minghao poked his head into the room, but Chan had given him a look that told him now was not the time. Junhui did not want to talk.

It’s all been putting a strain on Minghao- the past couple weeks have had his resolve waning and it’s obvious to all of them. But Minghao hasn’t broken.

Minghao is known for having a bit of a short fuse when it comes to their members’ antics. He snaps pretty easily when he really thinks that there is an issue. But he’s never like that with Junhui. Not once since he’s known them has Wonwoo witnessed Minghao being angry with Jun, not properly. Sure, they argue and bicker sometimes, every couple does, but Minghao has never- _ever_ \- lashed out at him, and vice versa.

This is the closest that Wonwoo has ever seen Minghao to the end of his rope with his boyfriend.

Junhui pulls his same trick when they finish eating, returning his dishes to the kitchen before scurrying off towards his bedroom to hide himself in his covers once more. Wonwoo doesn’t let him, though- he has something he has to say first.

Wonwoo jogs into the corridor when he notices that Jun isn’t staying so that he can catch a hand around his elbow, stopping him in his tracks. Junhui looks surprised, whirling around to face the younger, bringing his hands up to cover his own cheeks as he takes a sharp breath.

“Junnie, I wanted to apologise. I shouldn’t have gotten short with you earlier, it wasn’t fair. You were upset. I just want you to know that we’re here for you, okay? You don’t need to push us away like that.” As Wonwoo is speaking, Junhui lowers his head and sinks away a little.

“I was just being silly.” Junhui’s words are barely a mumble, a mess of syllables pouring from his lips. Wonwoo strokes a hand up and down his arm, trying to relax him a little. _He’s so tense_.

“No, you weren’t. You’re allowed to be sad, Junnie. Just- just, when you’re sad, let us be there for you, okay?” Junhui nods, although Wonwoo isn’t convinced that he’s taking any of what he’s saying to heart. He’ll just have to remember to keep saying it. “Do me a favour? Talk to Minghao a little bit. He’s so worried about you, he just wants you to talk to him. Alright?”

This is when Junhui looks up and meets his gaze, eyes wide and watery, lips parted ever so slightly. “Hao-Hao.” He says under his breath- almost to himself even though he’s finally acknowledged Wonwoo’s existence. “I didn’t mean to upset him.”

“I know that, and so does he. He just loves you a lot, yeah? He wants you to talk to him, whether you’re happy or sad. Trust me, you wouldn’t believe how often I have to put up with him gushing about you.” That gets him a small smile before Junhui sucks his lower lip between his teeth and bites down.

“Okay- okay.” Junhui whispers, like he’s actually starting to understand. “Okay.”

*

“I just wanted to tell you- last night, I couldn't sleep and I was all stressed and I just needed to get out of the house, it was too- That's why I left. I know I should have told someone but- I just needed to leave.” Junhui tells Minghao. They’re curled up in bed, fingers laced together in the small space between them, foreheads touching. “It was stupid, I know that.” 

“Thank you for telling me, baby.” Minghao replies.

Minghao lifts his chin in that familiar sharp movement, letting Jun know that he’s up for a kiss. Junhui smirks, dipping his head to press their mouth together, hoping that Minghao doesn’t mention how raw his lips are from all his nervous biting. He realises, suddenly, how long it’s been since they’ve had time together like this. Not only have they been busy, but Junhui has been too worried about everything to focus on his relationship. He’s realising now just how much he’s missed it.

When their lips part and Minghao doesn’t move away, Junhui kisses him again, lingering this time, enjoying the warmth that they are sharing. And then he does it again. Minghao is grinning when Jun finally scoots backwards, blushing a little at his own enthusiasm. He just hums and pulls his boyfriend close again.

Minghao presses his cheek to Junhui’s hair and lets out a long breath. “Can you tell me what got you so stressed out?”

_I’ve figured out why no one likes me. I know that no one wants me here anymore. The boys- they’ve been complaining about me to each other, I heard them, and I don’t want to be here if I’m not welcome. I don’t want to upset anyone but I keep making them angry. I’m just trying to do my best but it’s not enough and I should probably leave. I’m not enough, I shouldn’t be here, but I don’t know how to say it so I’m just waiting for them to tell me to go._

“I don’t know.” Minghao doesn’t look like he believes Jun’s shaky explanation but he accepts it. This is the most he’s gotten Junhui talking about his feelings in months and he’s not going to ruin that by pushing him too far. _Baby steps_ , he reminds himself.

Junhui shuffles down the bed until he can tuck his nose into the dip of Minghao’s chest, breathing in his familiar and comforting scent. Minghao folds the duvet down so that it’s gathered under his chin, because he knows that Jun doesn’t like having his face covered.

Minghao holds his Junhui properly in what feels like far too long. For the first time in a while, Jun is properly relaxed in his arms, breathing slowly as he comfortably drifts off to sleep. One of Jun’s hands is settled in its familiar spot on his ribcage, fingers organised into each of the grooves he finds there.

This is perfect. This is normal.

It’s so difficult to see his Junnie upset, because Minghao loves him so intensely. He’d do anything to see a smile on his love’s face. But it’s also difficult to know when to push and when to wait, because sometimes asking Jun too many questions at once can make him feel frightened and defensive and then there’s nothing that he can do to help.

Sometimes this is better- waiting until Junhui comes to him. He just needs to be there with open arms when Jun shows up to talk, and Minghao is always readily prepared with a cuddle and some reassurance whenever Junhui asks for it. Jun stews on his own a lot- _a lot_ \- it’s how he best deals with things without getting overwhelmed. It’s when he starts isolating himself that it gets worrying.

Minghao is desperately hoping that this cry for help breaks the barriers that Junhui has been building up for the past couple of weeks. He hopes that this is the moment that kick starts his love’s rise to happiness again.


	6. Chapter 6

The concert rolls around too soon for Junhui’s liking- he’s not ready and he’s scared. Two hundred thousand people are sat out in that stadium, waiting for them, ten times the number of people they’ve performed in front of before. And he’s going to let them all down. He’d tried his very best to keep up in their rehearsals but he’s been far too distracted to really take anything in. He must have been convincing, though, because no one’s mentioned how unprepared he is. Or maybe they’re just waiting for him to go out on stage and embarrass himself. Maybe they’re just looking _for an excuse to_ -

As the others play around behind him, hyping each other up before going on stage, Junhui huddles away in the corner of the dressing room. He runs through the steps of their hardest dances on double speed and sings under his breath to make sure that he remembers his lyrics. The boys leave him to it. They obviously know that he needs the last minute practice.

“Alright kids, huddle up.” He hears Seungcheol announce from across the room, everyone but Jun swarming over to him in their usual formation, pressed shoulder to shoulder, hands forming a perfect circle. Junhui doesn’t stop his dancing, he doesn’t have time to stop. He keeps his head down, hoping that they won’t notice him.

He’s not in luck today.

“Junhui-yah. Over here.” Jeonghan calls. Jun knows that it’s probably just nerves but the harsh edge to his voice is grating- it startles him, halting his movements entirely. He shakes himself out of it a second later when his silence becomes suspicious. It may be obvious how unprepared he is, but it doesn’t mean that he wants to draw any more attention to it.

Jun turns on his heel and marches over, taking the space carved out for him between Mingyu and Seungkwan. “Sorry.” He murmurs but Seungcheol had already begun his pep talk, drowning him out. Junhui tenses up his hand to make his trembling less obvious but Mingyu whimpers so he stops.

*

Seungcheol can’t hold back the fond smile distorting his features. Looking around at his circle of boys, hands joined by their thumbs, dressed up to put on the concert of a life time- he’s just so proud of them. It’s no secret that the past few months of preparation for this concert have been tough, but they’ve pulled through it. And they are about to smash this, he’s sure of it.

He meets Jeonghan’s eyes, a matching grin plastered on his face. Although Seungcheol is really looking forward to going out and performing today- god, he can’t wait to spend some quality time with Jeonghan and Jisoo again. The three of them have really felt the strain of their hectic schedules, having barely enough time to just exist in each other’s space, let alone talk to one another.

They always knew it was going to be hard, being in a relationship with their lifestyle, but he’s happy to say that they can usually make it work. Living together makes it far easier to make time for each other. Sometimes they get sick of each other, when they’re tired and stressed out and constantly getting under each other’s feet. But they always make up, because they’re so in love it’s impossible to explain.

Jisoo is already staring when Seungcheol looks over to him, the smile on his face giving away that he can tell exactly what Seungcheol is thinking. Of course he can, he’s Joshua. He knows how they’re feeling before even they figure it out.

Seungcheol’s eyes drift until he’s looking over Jisoo’s shoulder, and that’s when he spots Junhui. He’s got his back to the group, practicing their choreography to the music in his head, although his movements are tiny and tense. Seungcheol frowns, drawing the attention of the other boys who all follow his line of sight until they can see what he’s seeing.

Sure, Junhui gets nervous before concerts, they all do. But this isn’t how he usually expresses his nerves. Usually he clings to someone, refusing to think about any of their songs or dances until the moment they step on stage, knowing that he has learnt them and rehearsed them until they are basically second nature. Practicing in the moments leading up to their grand entrance only stresses him out more.

That’s why it’s so startling to see Junhui like this. Not only has he not noticed- or forgotten about- their ritualistic huddle, but he’s doing the exact thing he swears never to do lest he really freaks himself out.

Seungcheol meets Jeonghan’s eyes again, although he’s not smiling anymore.

*

Seokmin loves concerts, and this one is bigger and better than ever. He looks out into the crowd at hundreds and thousands of smiling faces and he feels alive. When they’re all singing along, it sounds like a wall of sound filling the stadium. It’s immense and it’s incredible.

And it’s not only that. This concert comes as such a relief after months of rehearsals and fittings and promotions, the fact that this is going well makes him feel as though all the hard work and stress was worth it. Of course it’s not perfect- a couple of them stumble over unfamiliar flooring and their voices can’t be top notch for every song- but it is damn close.

Seokmin’s excited for how _normal_ everything is going to be after this success. Watching his members running about and enjoying themselves on stage- in their natural habitat- he can already tell that the stress is draining from their tired bodies. Everyone has been so tense and on edge, it will be nice for the atmosphere to be comfortable again.

It’s hard when they’re all stressing- living in the dorms can become like living on a minefield, walking on eggshells, not wanting to set anyone off. It’s going to be so nice when they feel like a proper family again, and they can do proper family things without getting distracted by work.

Seokmin is startled out of his reverie when Mingyu crashes into him from behind, wrapping his sweaty arms around Seokmin’s middle and lifting him slightly off the ground. When his feet are back on the floor, Seokmin turns around to give Mingyu a cheesy grin and pull him into a proper hug. He’s missed this energy, this pure excitement coming from his members.

Mingyu stoops down to press his face into the side of Seokmin’s neck as he always does even though he’s probably going to smudge all of his makeup. Seokmin pats his back and laughs in his ear, still chuckling when Mingyu leaves him to chase after someone else.

This is what Seokmin has been missing- being able to enjoy themselves. Whenever they’re in a really heavy round of promotions, they feel guilty for whatever free time they have. If they’ve got nothing scheduled, they should be working on their singing or practicing their routines or interacting with their fans. Resting almost becomes a chore, and it’s so easy to forgo sleep or meals or recreation for the sake of improving their performance.

Seokmin is looking forward to being able to relax without feeling like he’s letting people down.

*

Once they’re out on stage, everything merges into its usual blur. Junhui is mostly relying on his muscle memory for most of the performance as he tries to ignore all of the bright lights and screaming mouths. Concerts are always overwhelming, loud, and sweaty affairs, but Junhui’s senses are going more haywire than usual.

On top of the usual stress of performing in front of so many fans, the voice that has recently made a home in his head has decided to torment him. When they’re singing their songs live like this, it’s easier to notice all of the empty space. Jun spends most of his time with his microphone by his side. The absence of his face in the crowd is startling, the lack of signs bearing his name.

Jun is so lost in his own head that he fucks up, his trained body failing him.

During one of the songs, they’re supposed to stop the choreography after the first chorus and instead head down the runways, giving them time to interact with the fans as they sing their lines. Junhui had forgotten about this part- it’s something they usually do, and so they hadn’t rehearsed it. He hasn’t had time to drill it into his brain.

It seems like just a second passes and suddenly he is stood frozen in the centre of the stage all by himself. The other members have disappeared, and he has been left behind.

He resists the urge to shrink into himself, to curl up into a ball on the ground, to hide himself away- only because he knows how many eyes are on him. He knows what he should do, that he should start moving, but he can’t seem to control his own legs.

He knows that everyone can tell that he’s gotten it wrong, that he’s not good enough- he’s probably missed one of his lines, too busy humiliating himself. No one’s going to forgive him, he’s going to lose the few fans that he does have because he can’t even do the one thing he’s supposed to.

He’s managed to push through all of the rehearsals, he’s dealt with so many pairs of hands dressing him and measuring him, he’s sat through landslides of criticism and judgement- and now he’s fallen at the last hurdle.

Jun only comes to his senses when he feels someone take his hand, squeezing his fingers tightly. He looks down to find Jihoon tugging on his arm, eyes flicking between the two of his. When Junhui still doesn’t move, Jihoon nods his head towards the end of the runways, where the rest of the members are gathered.

_They must be getting ready to start the choreography again_. Junhui can barely hear the music so he has no idea where they are. What he does know is that he can’t leave the others to dance with two gaps in their formation. He couldn’t do that to them, throw them off like that.

Junhui shakes himself awake and sets off in a jog to the other end of the stage, Jihoon following with a relieved sigh.

*

Jihoon honestly would have been surprised if Junhui had gotten through this concert without at least one hitch. It’s hard enough having a rough time from day to day, but when you’re on stage in front of thousands of people, that can’t make dealing with your anxiety any easier.

He’s not sure what he can do to help when Junhui freezes in the centre of the stage, just watching the other members as they hurtle down the runways. He looks so lost, his wide eyes making him look so young all of a sudden, and it really makes Jihoon’s heart hurt for him.

He deliberates for a few seconds whether walking back up to Junhui would make him feel more uncomfortable or more humiliated, but the longer he waits- and the longer Junhui doesn’t move- he decides that it doesn’t matter. He’s not going to leave Junhui to be frightened on his own.

Junhui’s hand is trembling when Jihoon wraps it up in his fingers. Now that he’s up close, Jihoon can see the heaving rise and fall of Junhui’s chest and the tears pooling in his eyes. He’s got half a mind to lead him off stage instead of further onto it, worried that he’s on the edge of a panic attack.

But when Jihoon nods towards the rest of the members, a question in his eyes, Junhui starts moving immediately, like that was all he needed to get him going again. Jihoon isn’t even worried about his image right now- he keeps hold of Jun’s hand until they get to the end of the runway, fingers laced between them.

They boys can make fun on him all they like, the fans can say whatever they want to, it won’t stop Jihoon from looking after Junhui.

*

As everyone else files into the dressing room to get changed, laughing and cheering, celebrating that their concert actually went well, Chan hangs back. His arms are wrapped loosely around his middle, head lowered as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Junhui can feel the anxiety rolling off of him and his protective instincts flare up immediately.

He reels himself in a little, taking a deep breath before he approaches the youngest. He takes slow but purposefully audible steps- Jun doesn’t want to startle him, especially not when he’s like this.

Chan looks up at Junhui, nervous eyes searching for him, hands following suit. “You okay?” Jun asks as Chan stretches an arm out to curl around the back of his neck, pulling himself into Junhui’s chest when he gets close enough. Jun wraps him up in an instant, one hand tracing the length of his spine, using the other to comb through the tangles of hair on the head tucked under his chin.

“Yeah.” Chan replies, words muffled by Jun’s shoulder. “That was just- a lot.” Junhui nods, pressing his lips to Chan’s temple. He rocks Chan a little, swaying from side to side, content to hold him until he’s feeling better.

That’s what Chan needs right now, some physical affection and gentle reassurance. He needs someone to ground him to the earth so that he doesn’t get stuck inside his own head, thinking too much and forgetting to breathe. That’s what Junhui’s here for.

“I know. But we’re okay, I’ve got you.” Chan sighs and grips the back of Junhui’s shirt in his hands, scrunching up the fabric between his fingers as he presses himself impossibly closer to his hyung. They’re both sweaty and gross and in desperate need of a shower, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is keeping Chan calm and safe and happy. Junhui won’t let a little bit of sweat get in the way of looking after his baby.

This is what Junhui is good at and he knows it. He may be lacking when it comes to his singing and his dancing and his personality and his position in the team- but _this_ , this is what they need him for. He knows that the younger members, especially Hansol and little Chan, really do rely on him to look after them. It’s what he’s here for.

That’s maybe why is hurts so much when Soonyoung and Jeonghan swoop in and steal Chan from his arms.

They hold him between them, each with an arm around his shoulders, fawning over him. “Come on, Channie-yah~ come sit with hyungs, huh? We’re here now, don’t worry.” Jeonghan coos as they lead their maknae through the dressing room door. Chan goes willingly, always eager to be coddled by his favourite brothers.

Junhui is cold. His arms are still outstretched, cradling empty space. His chest is tight.

He thought that he was good at this. He thought that they needed him for this. Soonyoung and Jeonghan clearly don’t. They’d do a much better job taking care of their youngest, Chan loves them so much and they treat him so well- of course they’re the better option. Look how easily he went with them. He’s so much more comfortable in their arms. And Junhui thought this was his role to play. Who was he trying to fool?

Junhui clenches his fists and organises his face, physically pulling himself back together. He feels like his heart has broken, the little brother he cares so much about being taken from his because he’s just not good enough. Has he been making Chan feel worse this entire time? And he’s only been humoring Jun whenever he tries to help.

This is the one thing he brings the team and he just isn’t doing well enough.

He ignores the stinging behind his eyelids and grabs his clothes, fleeing to hide in the bathroom. He focuses on getting changed out of his suit so that he doesn’t cry- he’s still wearing a full face of makeup so everyone would know just how pathetic he is.

He knows that he really shouldn’t be this upset. It’s selfish of him to want to be the one who calms Chan down, the one who fixes everything and saves the day. In the end, they all love him just as much as he does. Wanting Chan to depend on him for comfort feels like he’s profiting from the younger being upset and that feels gross. That’s probably why they don’t want him to look after Chan- because he wants it too much.

With his jumper only halfway on, Junhui finds himself frozen, staring at the floor. He’s dizzy, every negative thought swirling through his head at once and messing with his senses. It’s impossible for him to focus on anything with them all yelling at him like that.

Eventually he has to sit on the floor lest he gets there the quick way down or throws up all over himself. He hides his face behind his own knees, the bare part of his back pressed against the cold wall and making him shake harder.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there- he loses track of time as he desperately holds himself back from the edge of hyperventilation. When he’s back at the dorm in warm shower, then he can cry. But not right now.

He can barely remember where he is, let alone what he’s supposed to be doing. He just feels sad and lonely and he wants to go to bed.

Junhui jumps when the bathroom door swings open. “Jun-ah? Are you in here?” Jun’s body instinctively relaxes at the sound of Minghao’s voice, but he tenses up again when he realises that he shouldn’t really be hiding out in here. He’s probably delaying them all, he should have left ages ago. “Baby?” Junhui lets a sigh tumble past his lips, hauling himself to his feet and finally pulling his jumper on properly, throwing the rest of his clothes over one arm.

“I’m just coming.” Jun responds, hoping that the tremble in his throat isn’t obvious to anyone else but him. He unlocks the door with his free hand and keeps his head lowered as he leaves the stall, not wanting Minghao to see his red eyes and flushed cheeks. Shit- he probably has spit all the way down his chin from breathing so heavily, and there’s no doubt something stuck to him from the bathroom floor. He’s a mess.

Whilst Jun is freaking out about the state that he’s in, Minghao steps forward until they’re breathing the same air, curling a hand around Junhui’s jaw to lift his head. “Everything alright?” Minghao asks as he dips in to press a feather-light kiss to Jun’s chewed up lips. Junhui nods, lowering his head again to breathe against Minghao’s neck. He only lets himself enjoy that for a second, though.

“Just tired.” It’s a poor excuse for making them late but it’s all he’s got. He pulls away and steps towards the door before Minghao can question him, already missing Minghao’s comforting scent as he holds the door open so that the younger can follow him out.

Junhui’s walking too fast, hurrying away from Minghao- if he lingers, Minghao is going to figure out how worked up he is, and then he’s going to ask questions, and then _he’s going to know that_ -

“Come here, Junnie.” Minghao says, arms outstretched and voice soft. _Oh god, he knows_.

"No, no, I'm fine. I don't need anything, you don't need to- I'm fine-" As soon as he gets to the van, everything will be okay.

“Hey.” Minghao calls after him when he turns back around, halting Junhui in his tracks. “I need a hug.” It’s a low blow because Minghao knows that Jun could never turn his back on someone asking for comfort. Minghao almost immediately wants to apologise, feeling like he’s manipulating Junhui’s good nature, but he also really wants to make sure that his boyfriend is okay.

With a shaky breath, Junhui walks back over to Minghao and wraps him up in his arms, holding on tight. He completely hides his face in Minghao shoulder and can’t stop the trembles that take over his body once again. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

"I just want to go home."

*

“Let’s get you to the van, hmm?” Soonyoung murmurs, his words muffled somewhat. He’s on the floor in the space between Chan’s knees, nuzzling against his tummy as Chan sips at his water bottle. Chan nods, though the corners of his mouth are still turned down. “We can get home and into a warm shower- it might make you feel a little better.”

“Yeah.” Chan replies, but it’s nowhere near convincing. The pitiful sniffle that follows doesn’t help either. Soonyoung shuffles back just enough to look up at his face. Chan is fiddling with the lid of his bottle, eyes glassy and distant. Soonyoung reaches a hand up to cradle his face, drawing his attention.

“What can I do?” Soonyoung hates seeing Chan like this, sad and defenseless and broken. He’s usually a bit upset- embarrassed- when his anxiety gets the best of him, his brain trying to convince him that he’s weak for struggling. But it’s worse when he gets worked up over concerts or interviews or fan events.

He gets so frustrated that he gets stressed out by something that’s such a huge privilege. This is his dream, he’s getting so much love from so many people, but his body decides to interpret it as a hardship and react accordingly. It makes him feel like he’s so ungrateful.

“I-” Chan starts, but he can’t figure out what to say and he’s too tired to piece together a coherent sentence. Instead, he curls forward until he can rest his head on Soonyoung’s shoulder, tucking his face into the older’s neck and nosing at his throat. Soonyoung coos and wraps him up in a hug, hands stroking across his back and squeezing him softly. Chan lets out a long sigh, but it feels like he’s relaxing a bit, content in his hyung’s arms.

“I love you so much, Channie. I’m so proud of you. You’re the strongest person I know.” Soonyoung whispers against the side of Chan’s head, lips brushing his skin. Chan hums and cuddles closer and presses a kiss to Soonyoung’s collarbone, a ‘thank you’ and an ‘I love you’ without words. “Let’s go home.”

*

By the time Junhui gets to the van, everyone else is strapped in already. His eyes zero in on Chan who is slumped against Hansol, breathing softly as his hyung pets his hair. His eyes are closed but Junhui can tell that he’s been crying, or at least on the verge of.

Soonyoung is huddled close on his other side, a couple of fingers drawing rhythmic circles on the plane of his thigh. Chan looks calm- way calmer than before, when Junhui had him- he’s being looked after well. Soonyoung and Jeonghan were right, he didn’t need Junhui. None of them do.

This thought slams him hard in the chest. He’s close to falling right back out of the van, his arms curling in towards his chest as if to protect himself from his own thoughts. He presses forwards as to not land on his arse on the concrete, but he manages to knock into Soonyoung in the process.

He lowers his head and stutters out an apology- god, he always manages to make things worse.

With flushed cheeks, he drops into the seat behind Hansol, curling up against the window. From this position he can keep an eye on Chan through the two seats in front of him. Even if he’s not going to get involved, he still feels incapable of being far from Chan when he’s not feeling great. He might not need it, but Junhui will always be looking out for their youngest, if not just to put his own heart at rest.

The only problem with sitting this close is that he can hear every loving comment and every gentle reassurance that Soonyoung whispers into Chan’s ear. Junhui finds himself longing to be in both positions- being the one to coddle Channie and the one being comforted. He can’t decide which one he would prefer right now.

Jun doesn’t react when Minghao takes the space beside him, slipping a cold hand into his own. Junhui remains still, his eyes drifting to look out of the window, the dark sky making him feel a little bit better- a little more comfy.

Junhui spares a grateful thought for the fact that Minghao isn’t pushing him, even if the voice in the back of his head is trying to tell him that it’s because even his own boyfriend doesn’t care for him. He lets himself believe that Minghao doesn’t want to upset him any further, and so he’s not asking any more questions even though he knows that something is up.

He just lets Junhui exist in silence, not stopping him when the van comes to a halt and he escapes, wanting to get into the dorms before everyone else. Minghao watches him go.

And then Minghao follows him. As he always will.

*

They always shower in age order but the direction reverses from day to day. This evening- or morning- it’s hyungs first. As is expected by now, Jeonghan and Jisoo decide to share so Junhui gets into the third shower straight away. He doesn’t even realise that he’s forgotten his towel until Minghao appears in the bathroom with two.

“Can I join you, gē?” Minghao asks over the sound of water smacking Jun’s shoulders. He waits for Jun’s whispered affirmation before he strips and climbs into the bathtub behind his boyfriend.

He has to pause- his heart drops at the sight of Junhui’s tense back and lowered head, arms wrapped around himself. He looks so vulnerable, broken and exposed. Even though he’s facing the wall, Minghao can picture the exact look on his face- he’ll have his bottom lip sucked into his mouth, the corners of his eyes turned down as he desperately tries not to cry.

Minghao immediately presses himself up against Junhui’s back, incapable of staying away when his baby is in pain. He eyes Jun’s red shoulders warily and reaches around him to lower the temperature of the water. He wraps both of his arms around Jun’s middle and hooks his chin over the taller boy’s shoulder, turning his head to press a kiss to Junhui’s cheekbone.

Usually, Junhui would kiss him back or he’d turn around to completely cuddle up against him. This time, he remains still. Well, not completely still- he’s trembling hard enough to knock his own knees together, despite the steam filling up the space around them.

“Can you tell me what’s made you so upset? Or are you just not feeling good?” Minghao asks. He tries to keep his words as soft as possible even though he worried out of his mind. He doesn’t want to come across as though he’s accusing Jun of anything, or trying to force answers out of him. He just wants to know how he can help.

“I’m just tired.” Junhui replies, sticking to his earlier story. His voice is as shaking as his body is so it’s not his best performance.

Minghao lets out a short sigh at that oh-so-familiar response. He wants to be patient and understanding, he knows that it’s always best to wait for Junhui to come to him with his struggles, but he also just wants Junhui to trust him. Jun is his boyfriend, the love of his life, they’re supposed to be open with each other, especially with things like this. The only logical conclusion that Minghao can draw is that it has something to do with him, but he’s too scared to confront that possibility.

“Junnie, why are you lying to me?” He’s not trying to sound mean, but it must come across that way because Junhui is immediately backtracking.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I’m so sorry- don’t be mad, I’m-” Junhui cuts himself off with a broken sob. Minghao tries to hold him tighter, to make him feel safer, but Jun squirms until he’s forced to loosen his grip. Minghao is bewildered long enough that Junhui manages to step out of his grasp, crouching down as his knees go weak.

He curls around himself, the stream of water hitting the back of his neck and running onto his face, mixing with his tears in their journey across his flushed skin. Minghao bends down, trying to gather him back up again but he’s just pushed away with trembling hands.

Eventually, Minghao has no choice but to give in. He doesn’t want to make Jun any more upset than he already is. Instead, he sits down at the other end of the bathtub and waits, palms laid out in front of his so that Junhui knows that he’s there if he wants him.

“You’re not on your own, angel. I’m right here, I’m here for you.” Junhui shakes his head, coughing and spluttering painfully, choking around the sobs that are ripping from his throat. Minghao has to resist putting his hands over his ears- listening to Junhui in pain and not being able to help him is physically hurting him, a stabbing in the centre of his chest, bringing tears to his eyes.

By the time the water runs cold, Junhui is unmoving and quiet. He’s still furled up, looking at his own feet, but his breathing has regulated and his tears are coming silently. Minghao stands up to turn the shower off, lowering a hesitant hand to card through Jun’s soaked hair- an olive branch.

“Come on.” He says, Jun finally looking up at him, though he looks pitiful and self conscious, like he wants the ground to swallow him up and spit him out somewhere far from here. “Let’s get you dried off.”

Junhui doesn’t say a word as Minghao wraps him up in a towel, doing the same for himself before leading the elder back to his room. He helps Junhui into a big jumper and snuggliest pair of sweats that he can find. Junhui continues his silence, even as he rolls into bed and presses himself against the wall, making it very obvious that he doesn’t want Minghao to cuddle up behind him as he usually would.

“Do you want me to leave?” Minghao asks, and he’s not surprised when he receives no reply. He decides to lie as far from Junhui as possible, perched right at the edge of the mattress, staring at the back of the elder’s head. Jun drifts off into unconsciousness, his body completely exhausted, but Minghao’s mind is whirling far too fast to let him even close his eyes. He watches Jun breathe until he physically cannot stay awake any longer.


	7. Chapter 7

“Hao?” Minghao looks up at the sound of Seungcheol’s voice, pulling his gaze from the surface of his cooling cup of tea. Seungcheol runs a hand over Minghao’s head, frowning at the clouds of sadness in his dark eyes. Minghao just blinks up at him, defeated. “Everything okay?”

Minghao lets out a deep sigh, leaning over until his forehead is pressed to the tabletop. Seungcheol pulls up a chair so that he can sit beside him, warm palms drawing circles in the centre of his back. Seungcheol respects Minghao’s silence- although Minghao generally likes to talk about his feelings, he always has to process them first, figure out what to say.

“I don’t know what I can do to help.” He says eventually, Seuncheol’s stomach tightening at the thickness of tears in his voice. Seungcheol has only seen their Minghao cry properly one time, back when he’d just joined them in South Korea and was homesick out of his mind. He’s not excited to witness it again.

Everyone knows that Seungcheol has a soft spot for Minghao. He loves all of his dongsaengs so dearly, but there’s something special with this one. Maybe it was because he joined them last, so lost and confused and isolated. Seungcheol had worked so hard to make him feel comfortable, to get him integrated into the little family they had created as trainees, even when the language barrier was still persistent.

Seungcheol still gets excited and a little proud when he sees Minghao interacting so freely with the members, being loved so well and giving love right back. When he’s laughing and making jokes and correcting their grammar, it shows just how far he’s come.

God, Seungcheol loves him so much.

“I wish I could tell you, buddy.” Seungcheol tries to reassure him, scooting even closer and pressing his face into Minghao’s hair. He plants a kiss on his temple before he leans back, giving Minghao some room to breathe, even if instinct tells Seungcheol to wrap him up tight and never let him go.

“I wish _he_ would tell me.” Sitting up, Minghao wipes his eyes dry with a fist, leaving angry red marks in his wake. He sniffles, breaking Seungcheol’s heart in an instant. Seungcheol knocks his hands out of the way so that he can cradle Minghao’s face between his own, pressing cool fingertips against his flushed skin. Minghao closes his eyes. “I don’t think he trusts me.”

“He’s going through a tough time. I don’t think he trusts anyone right now.” Minghao let’s out a sound that is almost a sob and Seungcheol can’t resist. He pulls Minghao against his chest, arms circling his shoulders in the warmest hug he can muster. Minghao hides his face in Seungcheol’s neck, melting against him. “He’s so in love with you. No doubt about it. He’s just struggling.”

*

The thing about Seventeen is that they’re closer than friends, closer than brothers. They all hold a part of each other, they think the same thoughts, they feel the same things, and their moods are so heavily influenced by each other. So when one link in their chain is broken, it affects everyone.

Ever since Junhui has been acting differently towards them, their environment has changed. The energy in the dorm isn’t the same as it was before, and the level of tension is through the roof. It’s like a constant buzzing beneath the floorboards, a ringing in the walls, an itch in the bedsheets- or maybe that’s just how it feels to Hansol.

Jun walks into the living room to find Hansol sat on the sofa all by himself, wrapped up in his own arms and rocking back and forth. His eyes are open, fixed on the coffee table. His hair is a mess of curls on the top of his head, like he’s been running his fingers through them over and over, and he looks tiny in his oversized T-shirt.

Junhui’s always had good timing when it comes to the kids, like he can sense that something’s wrong. It’s a skill he’s always been grateful for, because none of them seem capable of asking for help when they need it. He almost wishes that he’d missed this sign though-

He kicks himself for this thought immediately. _Why is he always so selfish?_

Without saying anything, Jun walks over to the sofa and drops to the floor in front of Hansol, worming into the space between his knees. He reaches his arms over Hansol’s thighs, hands coming to rest either side of his ribcage, fingertips pressing in just hard enough to ground him without hurting him.

Junhui is used to Hansol relaxing in his arms, always happier when Jun is near him when he’s overwhelmed- _for some reason_. But Jun’s presence doesn’t seem to do much today. Instead of relaxing, he seems to get more worked up, although he does manage a gasping breath before returning to his hyperventilating.

With shaking hands, he takes a death grip on the back of Jun’s T-shirt. Junhui writhes a little when the fabric bunches around his neck, putting pressure on his throat. He beats his uncomfy feelings down in favour of focusing back on Hansol, who is the one really in need of comfort.

“Sweetheart, talk to me.” Junhui whispers, tilting his head to the side so that Hansol can press his face against his collarbone, hair tickling the underneath of his jaw. _Don’t squirm, Jun, god damn it, it’s Hansol who’s anxious, calm down_.

“It’s too much. I can’t do it, it’s too much.” Hansol gasps, trembling lips dragging across Junhui’s prickled skin. Jun shushes him gently and presses a kiss to the side of his head. Hansol shudders, clawing at Jun’s back with blunt fingernails. He’s getting more and more worked up the longer Junhui sits with him. _This is wrong. You’re making it worse_.

Jun is suddenly dizzy, his head spinning as he strokes his hands over Hansol’s back and fiddles with the hem of his shirt, frantically trying to find something that will fix this.

“Hyung. I need you. I can’t do it when I don’t have you but right now I don’t have you and I need you.” Hansol is rambling, tripping and tumbling over his own words in his haste, sentences broken by painful coughs and sniffles. _It’s my fault. It’s my fault_. Junhui has to physically shake the voice from his head, knocking his temple against Hansol’s as he does so. Hansol winces, choking on his next breath.

Junhui knows that he’s really fucked this up when Hansol pushes him away, instead folding himself in half, head suspended between his own thighs. Jun’s hands hover over his back, not sure whether touching him would make this better or worse. Not sure what Hansol needs. Not sure what he’s doing here.

“I need you.” Hansol rasps, and Jun is half-convinced that he’s not even talking to him.

“Hansol-ah, I’m right here. I never left.” Is Jun’s next attempt to calm the younger boy, but Hansol just shakes his head, bringing his hands up to cover his face.

“No. I don’t have you.”

Hansol coughs and Junhui feels sick.

He’s failed Chan and now he’s failing Hansol. He’s got nothing left. He’s so busy worrying about his own selfish needs that he’s forgotten how to help the kids. He doesn’t know how to help the kids. _He’s making everything worse_.

“Hansol-ah, I can’t help you.”

“Wh-what?” Hansol gasps again, sucking in a short breath of air and struggling to raise his head. He’s trying to look up at Jun but his skull is too heavy. “Jun-”

“Let me- no let me- I’ll find someone else.” And then Jun is gone, Hansol’s hands are left empty. He hears thundering footsteps and slamming doors and it’s all too much- too loud. Hansol wraps his fingers up in his hair and pulls until all he can hear is his own heartbeat.

The next thing Hansol feels is someone pushing him down on his side, hands wrapping around his wrists as another person lies down behind him, cuddling close and laying their palms across his chest. There are lips on his forehead and the back of his neck and a leg curling around his knees.

He’s held until his lungs expand again and his head clears and he can feel Chan and Seungkwan’s whispered words against his tingling skin.

*

Junhui crashes into the vocal unit bedroom with wild eyes, steadying himself against the doorframe. Jeonghan is on his feet in an instant to approach Jun warily, arms outstretched. Jun takes a step back and points out of the open door with a trembling hand. “Jun-ah?”

Wonwoo, Seungkwan, and Chan are all standing as well now, with matching looks of confusion on their faces. Chan is watching Jun’s chest rising and falling, keeping note of how fast he is breathing, figuring out when he needs to intervene to stop Jun from going over the edge. He’s obviously panicking.

Just before Chan can say anything, though, his worry is redirected.

“Someone needs to help Hansol.” Jun sounds ragged and breathless in his haste to get his words out. His eyes flicker between Seungkwan and Chan- never settling on either of them for more than a second- because they all know that they, along with Jun, are the only ones that Hansol will let near him when he’s really worked up.

Seungkwan is immediately on edge, tensing up, terrified that something is really wrong. _Maybe he’s anxious, maybe he’s hurt, maybe he’s gone_ -

“What’s happened?” Chan reaches a hand out to squeeze Seungkwan’s shoulder, a steadying hand. They don’t need Seungkwan thinking the worst and getting upset before he can give his boy what he needs.

Junhui visibly gulps, shrinking a little in the doorway. “He’s panicking.” He looks guilty, as though he’s the one who’s caused Hansol to freak out, but that’s almost impossible. Junhui is a calming presence for all of them, not an alarming one.

“Then why are you _here_?” All four of them jerk at the animosity in Seungkwan’s voice. He takes a step towards Jun and out of Chan’s reach, hands balling into fists. Junhui moves in tandem, his head knocking back against the edge of the doorframe. Chan winces for him because he doesn’t seem to notice.

Before Seungkwan can say anything else, Chan wraps a hand around the back of his neck and tugs him towards the living room. “Seungkwan, come on. Hansol needs you.” Seungkwan is going to get at him later for dropping his honorifics, after this whole mess is sorted out.

Junhui jumps out of the way as they pass, lowering his head as to not meet Seungkwan’s eyes which are boiling with rage. He lifts his hands to cover his own cheeks, drowning in the sleeves of his jumper.

Even after Seungkwan and Chan have left, Jun doesn’t move. He stays glued to the wall, taking deep breaths and staring at the floor. Jeonghan meets Wonwoo’s eyes before he steps forward and wraps Jun up in his arms, palms stroking across his shoulders. Junhui doesn’t hug him back, per se, but he does rest his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder, nose tucked against his throat.

Jeonghan presses a kiss to the side of his dongsaeng’s head and sighs. “I love you, Junnie-bug.” Jun scoffs. “Come sit down.”

Junhui takes reluctant steps towards the bed that Wonwoo has settled on, perching uncomfortably beside him. Wonwoo gives him a hand to squeeze. “Hyung, what happened with Hansol?” Wonwoo asks softly as Jeonghan kneels down in front of them, resting his palms on Jun’s knees.

“He was sat on the sofa, all anxious and worked up, and then he started- crying-” Junhui pauses, dropping his head into his hands. “So I came and got Seungkwan.”

“Bug, we all know you’re the best at helping him. Was he asking for Kwannie?” Jun shakes his head and lets out a long breath. Jeonghan leans forward to nuzzle his nose into the crown of Jun’s head and his soft hair.

“I want to go to my room.” Is what Jun says next, getting up and moving away from them without meeting their eyes.

“Junnie, you can-” Wonwoo starts, but Junhui cuts him off.

“I’m gonna go lie down.” And then he disappears, taking quick steps down the corridor when he hears Hansol’s gasping breaths. Jeonghan sighs, flopping down onto Wonwoo’s lap in defeat. _How are they ever going to get through to that boy?_

*

Seungkwan leans over to press a kiss to Hansol’s forehead, whispering, “I’ll be back in a minute, baby.” Hansol narrows his eyes, which are still a little red and swollen. The pitiful look on his face is almost enough to get Seungkwan climbing back in bed and wrapping Hansol up in his arms all over again, but he resists.

“Where are you going, Kwannie?” Hansol asks, his voice so rough it almost sounds painful. Seungkwan brushes a few knuckles across his throat in sympathy for his poor vocal chords.

“Nowhere. I’ll be back in a minute.” Seungkwan catches the look that Chan gives him, as well, as though he knows exactly what Seungkwan is going to do. He probably does, given how perceptive their maknae can be. Seungkwan gives him a look back, motioning for him to stay cuddled up behind Hansol whilst he’s gone.

Jun is sat cross-legged on his bed in the performance bedroom, his phone in hand but the screen is dark. He looks so small, Seungkwan almost feels bad for cornering Junhui while he’s alone but _he’s mad, god damn it. He’s furious_.

“Junhui.” Seungkwan calls and the older boy looks up like a deer caught in the headlights. His fringe flops away from his face leaving him exposed, vulnerable- he has nothing to hide behind. “Would you like to explain why you did that?”

“What?” Jun asks, but it’s obvious that he knows exactly what’s going on. Seungkwan’s blood boils.

“You left Hansol on his own in that state. He was scared and crying and pulling his own hair out and you left him.” Seungkwan already feels guilty for raising his voice but there is no way that he can stop now that he’s started.

“I- I just- I didn’t-”

“What? You panicked? Because from what I saw, Hansol was the one having an anxiety attack.”

“Seungkwan-ah, stop.” It’s Seungcheol, suddenly appearing and wrapping an arm around Seungkwan’s middle. He must have been startled by all the noise. He hopes that Hansol hasn’t heard, but he must have. Seungkwan falters, and the Jun is pouncing. He’s on his feet and yelling back, sounding beyond pissed despite sad look in his eyes.

“I couldn’t do it, okay. I shouldn’t be the one to look after him, I can’t do it. I was making it worse. _I can’t do it_.” Tears dribble onto Junhui’s cheeks. He brings his hands up to seize each side of his own head and his fingers are trembling hard enough to be seen from halfway across the room.

“You can’t- what?” Seungkwan’s volume has diminished by a thousand times but Seungcheol still tugs at his waist and turns him around, away from Jun, trying to get some control of the situation. Seungkwan’s face is pressed into Seungcheol’s shoulder by the time Junhui leaves them.

*

From the hip hop room next door, Seokmin and Mingyu hear everything. They hear Seungkwan yelling and Junhui yelling and Seungcheol trying to break it up, and they hear the door slam when Junhui leaves. They’re sat next to each other on Mingyu’s bed but they shuffle closer together as the ordeal plays out.

It’s frightening when the members argue. Despite literally living under each other’s feet each and every day, they tend to keep the dorm relatively argument free, definitely shouting free. Not only does shouting stress people out, but there’s usually someone sleeping at all times in their dorm, and they need all the sleep they can get.

“What’s going on?” Mingyu whispers, staring wide eyed up at Seokmin. Seokmin shakes his head and shrugs- he only knows as much as Mingyu does- so, nothing. “I don’t like it.” Mingyu continues with a huff, ducking his head to press his face into Seokmin’s chest. Seokmin ruffles his hair.

“Me neither.” Mingyu sighs and snuggles closer. “Should we go see if everything’s okay?”

“Maybe just a peek.”

They open the door as quietly as they can, poking their heads out just in time to see Seungkwan retreating back into the vocal unit room. They can’t see his face but they can tell just from the slope of his shoulders that he isn’t happy. Junhui is long gone but Seungcheol appears next, spotting them immediately and making his way over.

“You boys okay?” As soon as they see the look of exhaustion on Seungcheol’s face, Seokmin and Mingyu are pulling him into the room, sitting him down on the nearest bed, worming their way under his arms. Seungcheol hums and draws them in closer.

“They were yelling.” Mingyu says, his voice barely a murmur into the fabric of Seungcheol’s jumper- Seungcheol coos a little and presses a kiss to the crown of his cute dongsaeng’s head. “Jun-hyung never yells.”

“I know, little baby.” Seungcheol replies, burying his nose into Mingyu’s fluffy hair and taking a deep breath. “I think he’s a bit overwhelmed right now.”

“Where did he go?” Seokmin asks, and Seungcheol turns his head to smile down at the younger, kissing his forehead. Seokmin blinks slowly, resting his head on Seungcheol’s shoulder, content.

“I’m pretty sure he went to sit in the kitchen. We’re going to give him some time and then Jeonghan will check on him. I’m not sure crowding him would be a great plan at the minute.” Seokmin and Mingyu agree- Junhui never responds well to being pushed, especially not when he’s already worked up.

“It’ll be okay.”

*

Hansol is sat up in bed when Seungkwan returns, blankets pooled around his waist. Chan is still curled up on his side, face pressed against Hansol’s hip. Seungkwan pauses in the doorway, kicking himself because he knows that Hansol must have heard the scene he made a few doors down.

With a sigh, Seungkwan sits down next to him anyway. “I don’t blame Junnie-hyung for anything. And you shouldn’t either.” Hansol is too tired to come across as angry as he actually is. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sollie, he’s supposed to take care of you.” Seungkwan replies weakly. He’s still annoyed, and he will still stand his ground on this, but he knows that he’s taking it too far. It’s just hard to stay calm and rational when something has hurt Hansol or put him in danger because he would go to the ends of the earth and back again to keep that boy safe.

“But he also has to take care of himself.” Seungkwan lowers his head in defeat, leaning into Hansol’s side. Hansol can’t be too angry because he wraps an arm around the elder, holding him close, his free hand lacing into Seungkwan’s hair. “I know he wouldn’t usually do that, not if he was in his normal mindset, but he isn’t right now. He’s struggling and it’s difficult to help someone else when there’s so much stuff going on in your own head.”

“I think it’s my fault.” Chan’s quiet voice takes them both by surprise, although it’s muffled by the fabric of Hansol’s shorts. Seungkwan reaches over to brush a hand across his cheek.

“What are you talking about?”

“Yesterday- I was freaking out a little bit after the concert, I was just overwhelmed, and Junnie-hyung was helping me out. But Soonyoung-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung came in and I just- I don’t know why- no, I _do_ know why.” Hansol shuffles forward so that he can lie down again, pulling Chan into his chest. Seungkwan follows suit, propping himself up on one elbow to watch them.

Hansol presses a kiss to Chan’s forehead, murmuring, “it’s okay.”

“We all know Junnie-hyung’s been struggling and, like you said, I didn’t want to load off my problems onto him when he has his own to work through. I know he usually takes first responsibility to look after me, or us, but I didn’t want him to. So I just went with Soonie and Jeonghan-hyung.”

“So he thinks that he wasn’t helping you enough? That Soonyoung-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung had to take over?” Seungkwan asks, his hand now stroking the soft skin of Chan’s neck as he thinks.

“Maybe. But that’s so _wrong_ \- how could he believe that? I mean, we all know how quickly he can get us feeling better, _he knows that_ -” Hansol cuts him off, knocking their foreheads together.

“But he doesn’t know that right now. Before he came to find you guys, what he said to me- he just said ‘I can’t help you’. Maybe he got it into his head that he’s not good at it anymore.” Chan huffs, pressing his nose to the underside of Hansol’s jaw and furrowing his eyebrows.

“I don’t like that. I miss my hyung.” Seungkwan lies down properly, now. He reaches an arm across Hansol to rest on Chan’s lower back. He hooks his chin over Hansol’s shoulder and settles, hoping that a rest and a cuddle will help make them all feel a bit better.

*

“Hey, sweetie.” Jeonghan raps his knuckles against the kitchen door to get Jun’s attention. Everything had calmed down about an hour ago, their three maknaes now fast asleep after all the excitement, but Jun’s been sat at the kitchen table by himself for the better part of that interval. Minghao had wanted to talk to him but it was obvious that he needed some time to cool off.

It’s very rare that Junhui ever yells. He’s soft spoken and gentle- even when he’s angry, he’s all quiet stares and the silent treatment. It was a little scary and more so worrying to see him that upset.

Junhui blinks the haziness from his eyes and glances up at him quickly, eyes soon returning to the tabletop. “Hey.” He’s sounds exhausted, poor thing. Jeonghan tips his head to the side.

“What are you doing on your own?” Jeonghan asks, keeping his voice light. He doesn’t want to come across even the slightest bit cold or angry. Jun doesn’t deserve that, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong, although he’s probably convinced that he has.

“Nothing.”

“Well, why don’t-” Jeonghan is about to invite him to come sit in the vocal unit room whilst he and Wonwoo read, or to pick a movie out and drag all the blankets into the living room, but Jun cuts him off before he can get that far.

“I’m fine here. Thanks.” He makes it obvious that he’s done talking, and Jeonghan isn’t hesitant to respect that. He doesn’t want to push too much, but he also doesn’t want to leave Jun like this- beating himself up for something that he didn’t do.

“Bug, no one’s mad at you.” Jeonghan says, his words no more than a whisper. Junhui doesn’t respond but he does pull out his phone.

*

It’s a couple of hours later when Chan wakes up, still wrapped around Hansol and Seungkwan but desperately needing the loo. He carefully unwinds his limbs from those of the sleeping boys, pausing when Hansol stirs only to murmur a little and settle right back down. Chan sits on the edge of the mattress and draws a few circles with his ankles to get the feeling back in his feet before he stands up.

Soonyoung has been lying in bed for a while now, keeping himself awake. Minghao is sound asleep next to him- they’d been keeping each other company whilst both Chan and Junhui were elsewhere. He’s been waiting for the sound of the hip hop unit door opening. When he finally does hear that tell-tale squeak, he’s out of bed immediately, sock-clad footsteps quiet enough as to not disturb Minghao.

Chan isn’t the least bit surprised when he opens the bathroom door to find Soonyoung leaning back against the wall in the corridor, looking adorably wrapped up in his oversized pyjamas. Soonyoung holds his arms open and Chan is cuddled against him before his mind can register what’s happening.

Soonyoung buries his face in Chan’s hair and takes a deep breath, both arms secure around the younger’s waist. Chan lifts himself up on his tip toes to get even closer. “How are you doing, baby? I feel like I haven’t checked in on you recently.” Soonyoung asks, keeping his voice quiet, very aware that Hansol and Seungkwan are fast asleep nearby.

“Compared to everyone else, I’m doing pretty good.” Chan chuckles, but it’s a sad sound. “I’m doing my best.”

“Okay.” Soonyoung replies, tracing a circle into the dip of Chan’s lower back. “Okay. But remember to think of yourself as well. If anything gets to be too much, I’m right here. You can come to me.”

“I know I can.” And he’s not lying. Even when he’s unsure about everything else in his life, Soonyoung is his constant. Soonyoung will always be there for him- he always has been, from the moment they’d first been introduced. “Is Minghao-hyung alright?”

“He’s not happy, but he’s alright, I guess. Now I’ve seen that you’re okay, I can go and give him a proper cuddle.” Chan giggles, soft vibrations against the bones in Soonyoung’s chest making him tingle happily. That sound cannot be rivalled- the sound of his boy happy, at ease. Irreplaceable.

“I love you so much.” Chan tells him.

“I love you more.” Soonyoung responds.

Chan leans back far enough to press a few soft kisses to Soonyoung’s cheeks, one on his chin, and one on the end of his nose. Soonyoung receives them with a grin, pressing his lips against Chan’s temple as a thank you. “I should get back.”

“Alright, sunshine.”

*

**littlebug**

hoonie, are you in the studio?

**woo**

yep

**littlebug**

can i nap on your sofa?

**woo**

of course  
bring coffee

**littlebug**

thanks  
you want a snack too?

**woo**

not really

**littlebug**

i’ll bring you a snack

Jun knocks on Jihoon’s door but he doesn’t get an answer. Assuming that he has his headphones on, Junhui enters anyway. He places the thermos and packet of biscuits on Jihoon’s desk, far enough from his elbow that it won’t accidentally go flying, before dropping down onto the soft leather sofa.

He kicks his feet over the arm and pulls a cushion onto his chest, wrapping both arms around it, and he shuts his eyes. He doesn’t miss the sound of Jihoon’s headphones landing on the desk. “Thanks, Jun.” Jihoon says, taking a long sip of his coffee with a satisfied sigh. “Are you alright?”

There’s something about Jihoon’s studio- maybe it’s the way it’s dark every hour of the day, or because the thick walls act as soundproofing from the rest of the building, or the atmosphere of isolation Jihoon has managed to create. Either way, it somehow makes Jun feel safe enough to open up, and he doesn’t feel that way very often. He suddenly wants to talk. And about his feelings, no less.

He waits for Jihoon to put his headphones back on, to turn back to his work. He waits for an opportunity not to act on this instinct. The more time passes in silence, the less Junhui can hold his tongue. Without opening his eyes- he really doesn’t want to see Jihoon’s reaction- he asks, “do you ever feel like no one really likes you?”

One of the reasons why Jihoon is the best person to confide in is that he doesn’t take things too far. If you ask him something, he’ll answer- he won’t turn it around on you and try to figure out why you’re saying certain things or read into your words.

“Sometimes, I guess.” He also doesn’t make everything about himself. If you have a problem, he’s not going to try to convince you that he understands completely, that he’s been through it all himself, that it’s something that everyone deals with. He lets you have your own issues. He lets you struggle without trying to diminish how hard you’re finding things. “Not so much since we debuted, though. Not with you boys around.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Jihoon doesn’t want to say anything, he doesn’t want to put Junhui on edge when he’s being so honest, but he’s _worried. Why is Jun scared about no one liking him? Is this to do with the fans?_ Jun’s always been a little insecure about his popularity among the fans, although he seems to have risen to the top of the ranks recently. _So, it’s probably not that. Maybe it’s something to do with his friends from home. Or, maybe- no._

When Jihoon looks towards him again, Junhui has rolled over so that he’s facing the back of the sofa. He’s done talking.

**woo**

jun’s with me  
don’t worry

**papacoups**

okay  
look after him, he’s had a rough day

**woo**

got it

*

Jisoo is drawn towards the kitchen by the sound of dishes bashing against each other. They’d already done the dishes after dinner, so Jisoo has no idea why someone would be doing them again. When he gets to the doorway, though, he lets out a long sigh at the sight of Jeonghan making piles of plates across the dining table.

“Hannie?” Jisoo asks. Jeonghan hums in reply but he doesn’t lift his head, too busy trying to figure out which one of the two plates in his hands are bigger. “What are you doing?”

“The cupboards were a mess so I’m reorganising.” He makes a decision and puts the pots down on their respective piles before he finally pauses, looking up at Jisoo.

“Did you talk to Junhui? Seungcheol said he’s gone to the studio, with Jihoon.”

“Yeah. He’s not doing great, is he? Didn’t want to talk to me.” Jeonghan’s answer is curt, his words coming out of his mouth too quickly. He shrugs, transferring another plate to a different pile, the he turns around to get more from the cupboard behind him.

Jisoo interrupts him, curling his hands around Jeonghan’s wrists and bringing them back down to his sides. He rests his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder and nudes his nose against the side of Jeonghan’s neck. “I know what you’re doing.”

Jeonghan shakes his head, wrapping his arms around Jisoo’s middle and leaning their heads together.

“You’re fretting. I know you’re worried but stressing out like this won’t help anyone, especially not you.” Jeonghan whines a little, a wordless complaint, but Jisoo doesn’t fall for his tactics- everyone else might, but Jisoo can see right through him. “Come on. I’ll finish this up, you go find Cheollie.”

Jisoo rolls his eyes when Jeonghan pouts at him, wacking him on the butt as he leaves, drawing a squawk from his dramatic boyfriend. He puts away all the plates with a smile on his lips.


	8. Chapter 8

Nothing’s really happening before everything blows up.

All thirteen members are squeezed into the living room, talking amongst themselves, content to be together now that they finally have some time. Hansol and Seungkwan are half-asleep, cuddled up in the armchair; Chan, Jeonghan, and Wonwoo are watching a video on the youngest’s phone; Seungcheol and Jihoon are working through some new lyrics, scrawling messily in one of the many notebooks that are scattered about the place. And Junhui’s sat on his own on the floor, curled up beside the sofa in silence.

No one’s yelling at him or complaining at him or giving him a dirty look, he just suddenly feels so overwhelmingly lonely. He knows that it’s mostly his doing, that, despite the members’ obvious feelings towards him, he hasn’t asked anyone about it. He hasn’t asked what he’s doing wrong, and he hasn’t tried to rebuild the friendships that he knows he once had. All of a sudden, he’s so lonely and all he want to do is to go home.

He can’t remember the last time that China felt like home.

His gaze slides over to Soonyoung and Minghao, pressed together, side by side on the floor by Hansol’s feet. They’re whispering and giggling and they look so happy, their friendship so genuine. Mingyu and Seokmin are sprawled across Jisoo’s lap, scrolling through their phones and periodically turning to show each other something with a grin, each with one of their hyung’s hands combing through their hair.

Everyone’s so happy when he’s not involved, they all fit together so well.

This realisation is sudden, even if it’s been in the back of his head for weeks. At least he’d had the faintest doubt that maybe he’s reading the signs wrong and the others do in fact still want him around. But now- it’s so obvious. They don’t need him, and they definitely don’t want him.

Seokmin is the first one to catch Junhui’s pinched face and stuttered breathing, curling up with a wince as his chest squeezes painfully. “Hyung?” Seokmin asks from across the room, startling the elder to his feet. He’s trembling, tripping over himself as he rounds the sofa. He brings his hands up to his suddenly heaving chest as he fights for breath, tears spilling over onto his cheeks.

Seungcheol, Minghao, and Jeonghan jump into action, the others looking on in bewilderment at their usually cheery bandmate falling apart right in front of them. The room is silent, save for Junhui’s gasping. “Junhui-yah, what’s wrong?” Seungcheol asks, slowly approaching the boy as though he’s a frantic animal- Jun startles away like one.

“No. I’m fine. Leave me alone.” Junhui stutters out between panicked breaths, stretching a hand out to ward off any advances, the other one tugging at the neckline of his shirt. It’s obvious to everyone that he’s in the middle of a full-blown panic attack- he’s anything but fine.

“Jun-ah, listen to me-” Seungcheol continues, but he stops silent when Junhui turns and runs from the room, stumbling against the wall a few times as he tears down the corridor and into the nearest bathroom, the door slamming shut and locking behind him before anyone can stop it. Seungcheol curses under his breath before following, Jeonghan, Jisoo, and Minghao hot on his heels.

The four of them huddle around the bathroom, the others keeping their distance but still barely a few metres away. Jeonghan knocks lightly on the door, leaning close to speak through it. “Junnie-bug, can you open the door? I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He tries to be as gentle as possible as to coax Junhui out, but to no avail.

“No! N-no! Go aw-way!” Junhui yells, stuttering between sobs and coughs, his laboured breathing coming in quick gasps.

“What’s got you so upset, Junnie-yah? Talk to us. We just want to help you.” Jeonghan tries again. He looks flustered, which is unusual for Jeonghan. He’s always calm and collected, even during emergencies, he’s rarely unnerved when things go awry. Right now though, his wet eyes give him away.

“No, y-you do-don’t! Yo-u all ha-hate me! You- you all- leav-e me al-alone.” Jeonghan meets Seungcheol’s eyes, matching looks of confusion on their faces. They’re taken completely off guard by Junhui’s words.

Well, the truth is that everyone’s feeling a collective sense of shame. They all know that Junhui hasn’t been himself recently, and yet none of them had realised that it had gone this far. None of them had figured out how upset Junhui really was. They’d all been too focused on themselves to give him enough attention, to ask him if he was okay and wait for a believable answer. They’d all given up far too quickly.

This is their fault, and they all know it.

Seungcheol’s about to speak up when Minghao steps closer to the door. “Junnie? Gē?” He asks, his voice shaking- scared and worried, terrified for the state that Junhui is in.

“No! Go away!” Jun yells, and it breaks everyone’s heart to watch the speed at which Minghao’s face crumbles. He presses a hand to the bathroom door and lowers his head, like he’s pleading with Junhui silently. Minghao can hardly manage his guilt because he knows that he hasn’t done enough. He hasn’t shown Junhui how loved he is, he hasn’t been there for Junhui to talk to, and he definitely hasn’t been a good boyfriend.

Soonyoung steps forward when Minghao lets out a sob, quiet but heart-wrenching, wrapping around his back and resting his chin on the younger’s shoulder.

Minghao whimpers and Soonyoung presses a kiss to the side of his head, reaching to pull his hand from the door. With a few whispered words, he guides Minghao towards the living room, an arm wrapped around his waist. No one says anything as they disappear, they just stand there, their silence only broken by Jun’s wails and heaving breaths.

“Bug, what can we do to help you? We love you, Junnie-yah, we want to get you feeling better.” Jisoo tries next, his soft words soothing to- seemingly- all but Jun.

“Le-leave me alone, pe-please. You-you hate m-me, yo-you all ha-hate me.” Jisoo visibly winces, closing his eyes and resting his head against the doorframe.

“We’re not going to do that, baby. You need someone with you to help you out, alright? Just one of us.” Junhui’s cries only grow, and he begins coughing around the breaths that he can’t quite get in. Seungcheol looks about ready to smash the door down to get to him, although he knows that he never would.

Sure, he can feel a physical pain in his chest, pushing him to get to Junhui and to help him calm down, knowing just how awful he is feeling. But he also respects Jun’s privacy and his boundaries. He has no right to go imposing on anyone when they’re upset and vulnerable. Junhui is one hundred percent allowed to deal with this on his own, even if it hurts to others to have to leave him by himself.

Chan suddenly appears between Jisoo and Jeonghan, knocking softly on the door and leaning in towards it. “Junnie-hyung?” He asks quietly. Jun doesn’t say anything. “Hyung, what about me? Will you let me in?” He asks, obviously shaken up but not willing to show it, their strong maknae.

“Channie?” Jun asks, his voice thick with tears.

“Yeah, it’s me. Look, you’ve helped me through enough panic attacks to know that I get exactly how you’re feeling right now. Please let me help you.” A few moments pass, everyone holding their breath on Junhui’s answer, before they hear fumbling on the other side of the door. They let out a collective sigh.

“Just you?” Jun’s question tapers off in a whine.

“Just me, hyung.” The lock flicks open and the tension in the room tangibly deflates. Chan smiles softly at his hyungs before carefully opening the bathroom door and slipping through the gap, closing it just as carefully behind him. He lets out a sad sigh at the sight in front of him.

Jun is crumpled on the floor beside the sink, his head resting against the cool porcelain. His face is flushed red and soaked with tears and snot. He’s shaking violently, his elbows knocking against the wall behind him, and his chest is heaving up and down as he struggles to breathe. “Oh, Junnie. Hyung.” Chan says on an exhale. But before he can fall to his hyung’s side, Jun’s hand on his ankle stops him.

“Lock the d-door.” Jun whispers, and Chan does as he says with a smile. When the lock is back in place, Chan drops to his knees beside Jun, one hand cupping his jaw, the other pushing his sweaty hair back from his face. He presses a kiss to Junhui’s damp forehead, lingering there for a moment.

He feels so protective over Junhui, despite being the younger of the two. He know how much Jun struggles with just everyday life, and yet he always puts the others first. But, he doesn’t prioritise anyone as much as he prioritises Chan and Hansol. Chan’s sure that he would ignore a literal stab wound in his own stomach if either of them needed the tiniest bit of comfort.

And although he’s appreciative of Jun’s dedication to keeping them safe and happy, he feels guilty as well. Because Chan is just as much of an adult as Junhui is, and Jun has no responsibility to look after him- he just chooses to. And Junhui struggles with anxiety as well, sometimes to an even harsher extent than Chan does- as is evident. And the thought that Jun forsakes his own health for theirs is a painful one.

“I’ve got you, hyung.” Chan murmurs against Jun’s skin, running a hand through his hair and rubbing his shoulders a little, trying to soothe some of the tension he’s all wrapped up in.

When Jun shows no signs of relaxing, Chan shuffles around until he can cradle the older between his legs, leaning back against his chest. He takes one of Jun’s clammy hands in his, lacing their fingers together, the other resting on the left side of his chest. “I need you to take a deep breath for me, hyung. Follow me.” Chan instructs, craning his neck to press a kiss to Junhui’s cheekbone when he tries his best but chokes on his exhale, curling in on himself again.

“That’s it Junnie-hyung, one more.” Chan says, gently straightening him out so that it’s easier for him to breathe. He keeps following the same pattern, counts of four whispered against the side of his neck to help him along, until Junhui’s breathing is steady and slow enough for Chan to be satisfied that he won’t pass out. “You’re doing so well, hyung. It’s almost over.”

Chan presses a hand against Junhui’s shoulder until he all but collapses against Chan’s chest, head lolling back, face nudging at his throat. “I’ve got you, you’re okay.” Jun’s still trembling pretty hard, adrenaline pumping through his veins- Chan can’t help but squeeze him tightly, desperately wanting him to feel better. Junhui sniffles pitifully, lifting a fist to wipe at his face even though there are still tears falling steadily from his eyes.

With another kiss to his cheek, Chan carefully manoeuvres Jun until he’s leaning back against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him, toes pointing in towards each other. He looks so young all of a sudden, with his cheeks red, eyes dull. He may be three years older than Chan, but when he’s upset, he always feels like a younger brother who needs protecting. “Love you, Junnie-hyung.” Chan whispers, but Jun doesn’t respond, just bites on his lower lip in silence.

Chan runs a washcloth under warm water and fills up the cup beside the sink from the cold tap before returning to Jun’s side. He cleans the elders salty cheeks properly, knocking his hands away, and guides the cup to his lips. Junhui sips on it gratefully, though he refuses to meet Chan’s eyes. As he drinks, Chan rests his forehead on Jun’s temple, the urge to hold him close stronger than ever.

“I feel dizzy.” Junhui mumbles a moment later, when the cup is empty and Chan is just watching him, waiting for an explanation. When he sets the glass down on the ground beside himself, the intense tremble of his hand shows just how bad this panic attack is. Junhui’s still so worked up, Chan can tell.

“I bet you do.” He sighs, reaching out to hold Jun’s shaky hands in his, thumbs stoking across his knuckles. “Come on, let’s have a lie down.” At this, Jun tenses up again. Chan moves to lay a hand over his sternum, willing him not to start hyperventilating once more.

“No- here. I can’t- no-” Jun stutters out, his voice shot from crying. He finally meets Chan’s eyes, but he looks so desperate- _so desperately scared_ \- that Chan’s heart clenches. He can feel himself tearing up.

“We’re not leaving, Jun-hyung. We’ll stay in here, okay?” Junhui relaxes a little, but not by much. Nevertheless, he moves willingly when Chan lowers him down on his side, pulling a couples of folded towels from the cabinet opposite them to act as pillows as he lays next to Jun, facing him. He presses a kiss to Junhui’s forehead as he settles against the floor, curling an arm and a leg around him to pull him close. “Just relax, hyung. We’re alright.”

Chan’s content to lay there for a little while, feeling Jun’s chest rising and falling with each steady breath he takes, knowing that he’s safe in Chan’s arms. But he’s also so confused, and he wants to know how Jun had gotten so anxious, what had got him into this state. He never wants to see his Junhui this upset ever again. He’d do anything to figure this out.

With a sigh into Jun’s messy hair, he gives into his curiosity.

“Junnie-hyung, what’s going on? The stuff you were saying- has something happened?” Junhui lets out a shaky sighs, instinctively pulling himself closer to Chan, wrapping his hand up in the fabric of the younger’s jumper. “Did someone say something to you? You can tell me, hyung.” Chan continues, although he greatly doubts that any of the members had been mean to Junhui outright. They can be crass, sure, but it always comes from a place of love and humour.

“No- it- it’s just-” Junhui begins to trip over his words but he catches himself and takes a breath. “It’s just I’m not- I don’t fit in. And everyone knows it. I’m weird and I’m annoying and- they don’t like me.” Chan buries his free hand in Jun’s hair, running his fingers through the strands gently in an attempt to calm him down. He’s about to speak up, but Jun continues.

“I- I- I just don’t know wh-what I’m doing here. I get the bare minimum of lines because I can’t sing and I’m the worst dancer out of the four of us and I can’t speak Korean properly and no one likes my personality and none of the fans like me and I’m always freaking out like this and wasting time and wasting space and-and-and-”

Jun cuts himself off by sitting up, almost doubling over as his chest squeezes painfully tight. He hadn’t realised that he had forgotten to stop for a breath amidst his rambling and now he can’t breathe at all, the edges of his vision going white. His panic attack is back in full force- he feels like he’s drowning under the weight of his fear.

Junhui is radiating agony and distress and it overwhelms Chan almost immediately. He suddenly finds himself sobbing as well as he frantically gets his hands on Junhui, rubbing his back in a desperate attempt to get everything under control again. But he can’t even think straight, the pitiful sounds coming from his hyung battering his chest and bruising his heart. He’s gasping into Junhui’s hair, the both of them so broken.

Maybe he wasn’t the best choice to help Junhui after all, seeing as he can’t even hold himself together long enough to focus on the elder. He’s just made this all so much worse. That thought doesn’t help to calm him down in the slightest. He gives up all hope of resolving this situation, instead letting himself cry against the top of Junhui’s head, hands grasping at each other for some semblance of comfort.

Chan’s panicking and Junhui’s panicking and then the hyungs- still waiting on the other side of the door- are knocking and calling out to him, having heard Junhui’s heartbreaking outburst abruptly cease into sobs. Chan just whimpers, reaching to unlock the door but still startling when they barge in, his hands instinctively tightening around the fabric of Junhui’s jumper. The boys are all terrified, looking upon the miserable scene in shock.

And then Jihoon is hauling Chan up from beneath the arms and practically dragging him out of the room, ignoring the younger’s attempts to grab for Junhui with trembling hands.

Soonyoung and Minghao are on their feet to catch Chan when Jihoon rushes him into the living room, startled by the commotion in the corridor. They quickly get him down onto the sofa between them, both boys wrapping their arms around him, to comfort him and to restrain him. Chan is known for being self-destructive during his panic attacks, and with how worked up he is right now, they are not taking any risks.

“What happened?” Minghao asks Jihoon, completely focused on Chan despite the tears still drying on his own cheeks.

Jihoon takes a seat on the coffee table, eyes fixed on their maknae as he sobs into his own knees, Soonyoung and Minghao encasing him- protecting him- from all sides. “Junnie- he was saying some awful things about himself, really awful stuff, and he started to panic again. I think Channie was just scared for him, got overwhelmed.”

Soonyoung hooks a hand around the back of Chan’s head and leans down to kiss every exposed piece of skin he can find. “My baby. You’re okay. You’re so sweet, my pumpkin, you don’t need to worry.” Even as Soonyoung is whispering reassurances into his ear, Chan is shaking his head, pulling against their arms.

“He’s so sad.” He chokes out around whines and grunts as he squirms, wriggling until he’s only half on the sofa.

“Hey, hey, hey. Calm, baby. Stay with me. Calm.” Chan stops struggling when Minghao knocks Soonyoung’s hands away, breaking every point of contact. Chan rolls his neck until his head is in the cradle of Minghao’s thighs, tilting his chin to look up at the elder. It’s easier to breathe now, easier to think. Minghao watches him back with a small smile.

Chan strikes on the opportunity and draws in a long breath, only to choke on it as his chest stutters. He can feel just how red his face is as he coughs, curling up in the gap between Minghao’s knees, pressing a fist to the centre of his chest and squeezing his eyes shut. Neither Minghao nor Soonyoung try to touch him again, they just talk to him, keeping their voices calm.

“Everything’s going to be alright, Channie. Trust me. Everyone’s safe. You don’t need to be scared, we’re okay.” Minghao tells him and Chan tries his best to nod, knowing that Minghao wouldn’t lie to him.

“We’re here for you, baby. Just focus on your breathing. We’re not going anywhere.” Chan scrambles to take his hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing tightly as he presses his face against Minghao’s leg. “There you go, honey. You’re okay. You’re doing so well.” Soonyoung coos when starts taking steady breaths, his chest expanding properly, his face losing its flush.

*

“I don’t understand.” Junhui chokes out past his tears, his knuckles turning white from how hard he’s clenching his hands together behind Hansol’s back. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

Hansol shushes him, swaying from side to side as gently as he can, one palm cradling the back of his head. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.” Junhui’s crying doesn’t dwindle, he just presses his face further into Hansol’s shoulder where a damp patch is steadily growing in size. Hansol can see Jeonghan’s hands twitching in his lap- he wants to drag Junhui away, get him sat up and breathing properly- but Hansol knows that there’s no way he’ll calm down without enough physical comfort, even if he’s half-smothering himself. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Junhui whimpers, trying to press himself impossibly closer to Hansol, curling his legs up to make himself as small as possible. Hansol holds him tighter, doing anything he can to get Junhui feeling better. It’s so hard to see him like this, hysterical and distraught, and to not have an easy fix. Hansol hums against the top of Junhui’s head as he continues to rock the elder, soothing him like a small child. Jun only cuddles closer, still sobbing hard enough to jolt them both.

After a good while of this, Junhui manages to exhaust himself. It’s only then that his grip on Hansol loosens and his breathing slows down, eyes slipping closed as his head lolls to one side. Hansol kisses the side of his neck and rubs slow circles into his back, their legs tangled together on the bathroom floor. His arms are starting to ache from physically holding Junhui together and his ankles are tingling, but he refuses to move an inch.

Jeonghan shuffles closer to them, brushing his fingers through Junhui’s hair- Jun nuzzles against his touch instinctively until he catches himself, tensing up and opening his eyes. “Bug.” Jeonghan says, although it sounds more like a sigh. A sad, sad sigh. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Junhui just watches him for a moment with wide eyes as he figures out what he could possibly say to that.

“I want to go home.” Is what he eventually comes up with.

“We are home, Jun-ah. You are at home.” Jeonghan reassures him, fingers still combing through his fringe, trying to avoid pulling on the knots and tangles.

“No. _Home_ -home.” They joke a lot about the younger members being like Jeonghan’s kids, but the look on Jeonghan’s face in this very moment explains exactly why. He is genuinely heartbroken at the thought of one of his babies leaving him, wanting to leave him. It’s his turn to freeze up, mouth agape. “I shouldn’t be here.” Junhui continues as Jeonghan remains silent.

Jeonghan shakes himself out of it, frowning like he just didn’t hear right. “Why? Did something happen? Your family?” He asks in denial, refusing to believe what they all really know is going on.

“No.” Junhui says, slowly. He’s got no fight left. “I just don’t belong here anymore.” He drops his eyes to the floor and Hansol gives him a squeeze. Junhui immediately does his new favourite trick, tensing up so much that he’s impossible to cuddle, like he’s trying to force Hansol into giving up on him.

Jeonghan looks about ready to bite Jun’s head off, but Seungcheol stops him with a comforting hand on the back of his neck. “Junnie-yah.” Even their unshakeable leader is lost for words.

Junhui jumps in again, though, his face scrunching up with some new-found energy. “I know that you don’t want me anymore.” He accuses, pulling himself away from Hansol, slumping against the sink when he’s reminded of his body’s exhaustion. His head knocks against the porcelain. Three pairs of hands reach out but he jerks away again and they pause, not wanting to cause a third panic attack in one night.

“Jun-ah, I’m so sorry. We love you so much, I promise you that. I’m so- Bug, you’re exhausted. Let’s get you into bed and then we’ll talk in the morning. Okay?” Junhui nods in defeat at the shaky finality in Seungcheol’s tone, hauling himself to his feet.

“Who do you want to stay with you, hmm?” Jeonghan asks, his voice so small. He’s trying his best to be the supportive hyung he always is, but it’s so hard. He just wants to grab Junhui by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, tell him exactly why and how much they love him, get him to understand how important he is. But that would do nothing good right now. Instead he’s quiet, patient, and he’s there.

“I just want to be on my own.” Jeonghan bites at his lower lip but he nods.

*

Chan is curled up on Soonyoung’s lap like a baby when Seungcheol joins them, worn down and defeated. Minghao lifts his head from Soonyoung’s shoulder and Chan opens his eyes to watch Seungcheol drop heavily into the armchair, his face hidden in his hands. Jihoon silently moves to perch on the arm beside him, placing a hand on the back of his neck. Jeonghan and Jisoo filter in as well, hands laced between them, matching expressions of heartache. “Where is everyone?” Seungcheol asks, eventually, his voice rough.

“Bedrooms.” Jihoon replies, eyes fixed on the top of Seungcheol’s head.

“Good.” With a deep sigh, he looks up, red eyes landing on the three boys cuddled up on the sofa. He holds his chin up with his hands and watches them for a long moment. “Could you boys bunk up for tonight? Stay out of Jun’s way?”

“Cheollie-” Soonyoung starts, wanting to know what had happened with Junhui after they’d left. They could hear his wailing from halfway across the dorm, but they wanted to know that he was alright. But Seungcheol interrupts him.

“I think we all need a breather and a good night’s rest. Go get settled.” Soonyoung wants to argue, he opens his mouth to protest- as do Chan and Minghao- but Jeonghan gives them a look and they are quickly quiet again. “We’ll think about all of this properly in the morning.”

Reluctantly, the three of them drag themselves down the corridor, looking longingly at the closed performance unit bedroom door. They can hear Hansol’s gentle voice from inside, but they soon move away to find themselves an empty bed.

Back in the living room, Seungcheol sends Jisoo and Jeonghan away as well, but they don’t leave without pressing as many kisses to Seungcheol’s cheeks as he will let them. They don’t leave until he cracks a small smile. Jihoon hasn’t moved, still sat beside him in silence. Seungcheol sniffles and leans into the younger man’s side.

“What have we done?” Seungcheol asks, sounding close to tears. Jihoon’s fingertips caress the skin covering his throat. “How did we not- god, he’s so upset. How did we not notice? Why didn’t I help him?”

“Cheol, please don’t blame yourself for this. We’re all to blame. We all knew that something wasn’t right.” Jihoon scolds. Seungcheol always gets like this when something goes wrong, he never wants to blame the kids for anything. But they all need to take some responsibility for this. Just because Seungcheol is their leader doesn’t mean that he controls all that they do. They still make their own choices.

Seungcheol shakes his head but doesn’t say anymore. “You should go to bed.” He tells Jihoon, peering up at him from behind his messy hair.

“You should go to bed.” Seungcheol rolls his eyes, but he smiles a little and butts his head against Jihoon’s chest. “Come on, Jeonghan and Jisoo will be worrying about you.”

“We should check on Soonyoung, Minghao, and Chan first.”

“Okay.”

*

“You want Soonyoung-hyung’s shorts? The blue ones?” Hansol asks as he’s rifling through the drawers in Junhui’s bedroom, holding up said garment for Jun to see. Hansol’s pretty sure that these are the one’s Junhui likes when he’s anxious. They feel soft enough in his hands.

“Yeah, thanks.” Junhui replies, his words tiny and strained. He’s already wrapped up in a big hoodie, goosebumps on the skin of his bare legs. Hansol brings the shorts over, stroking Jun’s hair as he pulls them on, frowning at how tangled it is.

“Can I brush out your hair? It’s all knotty.” Junhui nods, albeit hesitantly. “I won’t pull, I promise.” Jun smiles. The elder of the two sinks onto the floor so that Hansol can perch on the bed behind him, running a comb through his hair as gently as he can. Jun rests his cheek on Hansol’s knee and fixes his eyes on a spot of carpet.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it yet, and you don’t have to. I just can’t have you going to bed without knowing how much we love you.” Jun tenses a little but it’s hard not to be relaxed when someone’s got their hands in you hair, let alone a brush. “You’re so caring. You’re always taking care of us, and I can’t count how many times you have taken care of me or Chan instead of looking after yourself. You’re so selfless, that’s the thing, you never ask for anything or expect anything from us. But we love doting on you as well, Junhui-hyung.

“And we all know how hilarious you are. Your silly jokes and adorable laugh, I feel like I’m always smiling when you’re around. You carry so much joy, that’s why it’s so hard to see you in pain, when you cry it’s like I suddenly _have_ to do everything I can to make you happy again. And we just love you a whole lot. You’re so precious to us. I know you don’t quite believe that, but we wouldn’t be able to do this without you. We need you.”

Junhui is silent, and Hansol doesn’t push it. He just keeps running the comb through his hyung’s hair until it is as soft and shiny as usual, flopping cutely over his eyes. Jun still wants to sleep alone, so Hansol leaves him with a kiss on the cheek and a tight hug, heading straight towards the hip hop unit room where he knows he will find Seungkwan in his bed.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s raining when Junhui wakes up- he can hear it against the windows. He’s alone in bed, cold, and staring up at the ceiling. The ache in the back of his skull is a typical after-effect of his panic attacks, his sore eyes and tender skin another. He’s blocking the memories of last night out of his head- it’s too early to think about how humiliated he is. Instead, he groans and rolls onto his side, hitching a leg up by his side and nuzzling into his pillow.

When he opens his eyes again, that’s when he notices Chan and Hansol sat on the floor beside his bed. Chan’s resting his head on Hansol’s shoulder- at least he is until they realise that Jun is awake. They both smile at him, though they look just as exhausted as he feels. “Morning, hyung.” Chan says, scooting forward to rest his chin on the edge of the matress.

From here, Jun can easily the redness of his eyes and the dark bags beneath them. He looks like he hasn’t slept a wink. Jun has to bite his lower lip to stop it from trembling- he’s done too much crying already. He’s already upset the members enough, he doesn’t deserve to feel sorry for himself.

“Hi.” He replies, his throat hoarse.

“Do you want some water? Breakfast?” Chan asks as he’s reaching for the glass of water on the table beside him. Junhui pulls himself into a sitting position, leaning back against the wall when his head goes funny, grabbing the water for himself. He takes slow sips and ignores the disappointment on Chan’s face.

“How are you feeling?” Hansol mumbles past the nail he has between his teeth, chewing nervously even though he knows that he shouldn’t. No one stops him, though both Jun and Chan are itching to pull his hand from his mouth.

“My head hurts.” Hansol nods in understanding, his wide eyes barely blinking as he stares up at his hyung. Chan is blinking too much, like he’s fighting back tears. Junhui doesn’t like the look of them anxious and upset, especially knowing that he’s caused it.

Jun scoots into the middle of the mattress, turning onto his back and patting the spaces either side of him. Chan and Hansol are up in an instant, scrambling onto the bed and worming their way under the blankets. Chan hooks a leg around Jun’s thigh and snuggles into his shoulder; Hansol wraps an arm around Jun’s waist and continues watching him.

“Everyone must be angry with me. I’ve made such a fool out of myself.” Junhui admits to the empty space above him. Chan shakes his head, his messy hair tickling Jun’s jaw. Hansol is the one who answers in words.

“No one’s angry. If anything, we’re angry with ourselves.” Jun’s about to cut in but Hansol continues. Junhui wonders when Hansol had time to grow up so much. “We knew you were struggling. We should have done something to help before it got this far. We should have paid more attention to you.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Yes, we should. Because we love you and you would do the same- if not more- for any of us if we were having a rough time.” Junhui can tell that Hansol is getting frustrated. He presses a lingering kiss to the younger’s forehead to settle him, Hansol melting easily under his affection. “I’m not done.” He says, even as his eyes are slipping shut.

“The hyungs are going to want to talk to you. We can keep them out of the way, though. If you don’t want to talk. You don’t have to.” Jun just shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut, getting worked up just at the thought of that conversation. He doesn’t want anyone prying into his mind but he knows that he can’t avoid it. He can’t give them that sort of show without explaining himself.

Hansol moves his hand to the centre of Jun’s chest, rubbing slow circles with his palm. Junhui lets out a long breath. “I don’t want to do anything.” He doesn’t even entertain the schedule question- he doesn’t want to know how much work they are all missing because of him. He just wants to be unconscious until everything is normal again and he can go back to being invisible.

“That’s alright. We can stay here. Just sleep, hyung.” Jun presses his nose against the top of Chan’s head as a silent thank you.

*

Minghao smiles when he spots them, although it doesn’t feel completely genuine. How could he be truly happy when his Junhui is broken and hidden away? Nevertheless, Soonyoung and Jeonghan are a good temporary distraction, so Minghao lets himself be endeared by them.

They’re sat side by side on the sofa, Soonyoung tucked under Jeonghan’s arm and looking even tinier than usual. They’re not talking, but Minghao can sense their silent solidarity- they’re keeping each other sane.

“Hi.” Minghao says, his voice quiet as to not disturb the comforting atmosphere these two have managed to create in their living room. They both turn to look at him as he steps closer, Jeonghan giving him a sad smile and patting the cushion beside him. Minghao sits down and cuddles up to his hyung, resting his head on Jeonghan’s chest so that he can meet Soonyoung’s eyes.

“How are you?” Soonyoung asks, his throat hoarse- a tell-tale sign that he’s been crying, if his red eyes didn’t already give that away. He reaches across Jeonghan’s lap to take one of Minghao’s hands in his, their fingers lacing together naturally.

“I’m okay. Just worrying.” Soonyoung nods as Jeonghan coos at him, humming softly against the top of his head and tightening the arm he has around Minghao’s shoulders. “Have any of them made an appearance yet?”

Soonyoung nods. “Hansol came out earlier to get them some breakfast. He said Junhui-hyung’s doing alright, he’s just exhausted.” That’s relieving to Minghao. It sounds as though Junhui’s feeling calmer now that he’s tipped over the edge of absolute panic. That’s good to hear- hopefully he’s feeling more settled within himself.

“That’s good. I should have been out here to speak with him.” Minghao states this as if it was his choice to stay in bed late, but in truth Mingyu just hadn’t let him leave. He’s wrapped his entire body, all four limbs, around Minghao and had resisted every time Minghao tried to get up.

“No. Resting is good. Yesterday was tough for you.” Jeonghan scolds him, lightly.

“Not as tough as it was for Junnie.” Minghao replies as he glares at the carpet. Jeonghan flicks his forehead, but it’s so light that he barely feels it.

“Yeah. And that’s why he’s resting.” Minghao sighs, but he relents, tucking his head into the gap beneath Jeonghan’s jaw, nuzzling against him.

“I can rest here, then.” Soonyoung and Jeonghan both chuckle softly, Soonyoung’s free hand appearing to brush his hair away from his eyes.

“So stubborn.” Jeonghan murmurs, teasing him, but it’s too delicate, too forced. Minghao can tell that Jeonghan is doting over him so much because he’d rather be doting over Junhui but he can’t. This is an outlet for the elder, a way to keep himself from worrying himself insane, and Minghao is happy to comply.

Everything is already thrown off enough, they’re already so out of kilter, if this is what he needs to do to keep them even slightly on the right track, it’s hardly a burden. Soonyoung’s playing into it as well, but he could probably also use the comfort of his hyung’s arm around him.

They lapse into silence again, each of them thinking too hard to make conversation. It’s strange, all this silence, it’s unsettling. But Minghao has his brothers to ground him, a hand in his and a shoulder to lay his head on. Minghao only hopes that Junhui is feeling just as comfortable.

*

It takes Junhui an entire day before he feels up to facing someone other than Hansol and Chan, and of course the first person he seeks out is Minghao. He knocks on the door of the vocal unit room and pokes his head in, smiling a little at the sight of Minghao cuddled up in Seungkwan’s bed, a book in hand and a Soonyoung curled up behind him.

Minghao drops his book and looks up immediately, slowly sitting up, as not to disturb the sleeping boy clinging to his back. “Jun-ah?” He calls, and Junhui nearly melts at the sound of his voice. God, he’s missed Minghao so much. It may have only been a day, but it feels like it’s been much longer since he really let himself enjoy Minghao’s presence without worrying about anything.

He’s too tired to worry right now.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” Jun replies, not even bothering to mask the tremor in his voice.

“Of course, just let me-” Minghao is cut off when Soonyoung grabs at him in his sleep, curling his fingers into Minghao’s jumper for comfort even though he’s unconscious. Junhui can’t help but giggle as Minghao bats him away, although gently, finally freeing himself from their octopus of a brother.

Minghao sighs in exasperation, yet he still pauses to tuck Soonyoung back in, pressing a pillow into his arms in lieu of himself. Then he’s heading towards Junhui with a smile on his face, happily taking the hand that Jun offers him and lacing their fingers together.

Before Jun can draw him out of the room, though, Minghao can’t wait to ask, “can I have a hug?” Junhui actually melts this time, nodding quickly even as he pastes himself to Minghao’s front, arms wrapping around the younger’s neck as they lean into each other.

They’ve been living under the same roof but this feels like a reunion.

Both Junhui and Minghao instinctively press their faces into each other’s necks, burying themselves in that familiar warmth, drowning in that familiar scent. “I’m sorry. I missed you, but I couldn’t-” Junhui stutters against Minghao’s skin, words muffled. Minghao just shakes his head and tightens his arms around Jun’s back, pulling him impossibly closer.

“I missed you too, but it’s okay that you needed space.” Minghao pulls back as he says this, cradling Jun’s face between his hands and pressing a kiss to the round tip of his nose. Junhui smiles, choosing not to mention the redness of Minghao’s eyes. “God, I love you so much.”

This is when Junhui falters.

He’s spent so long convincing himself that this is a lie, that no one properly loves him. Hearing it again makes him squirm- he doesn’t know what _to do, how to respond, what’s real- he_ -

“Hey.” Minghao catches him spiralling, kissing his nose again to draw his attention back to reality. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything. I just wanted to tell you.” He’s whispering, his voice so soft and reassuring, Junhui can’t help the way his mind drains of all thoughts. For a moment he’s just an empty shell in Minghao’s arms, waiting to be filled with love and affection.

It’s not a bad feeling.

“Let’s go sit in the living room, huh?” Minghao asks, waiting for Junhui’s nod before he takes Jun’s hand again, pulling him out of the doorway and into the darkness of the corridor.

Minghao lets Junhui decide where he wants to sit though he goes easily when Jun pulls him down onto the arm chair. They curl up, only just fitting side by side, shoulders pressed together. “How are you feeling?” Minghao asks, once they’re settled. Junhui sighs.

“Tired, mostly.” Minghao hums, knowingly. Junhui always gets exhausted in the couple of days following his panic attacks- the hyperventilation especially leaves him feeling drained and weak. And with how bad this attack was, it’s no surprise that Junhui is still feeling the effects.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a little while as Junhui gathers his thoughts- Minghao doesn’t want to ask any more questions. He’ll listen if Jun wants to tell him anything, but he’s not going to push. If Jun wants to keep some of this to himself, that’s his call.

“I want to talk to Seungcheol-hyung in the morning. I don’t want to do it alone.” Junhui tells him, resting his head on Minghao’s shoulder so that they can’t meet each other’s eyes.

“I’ll stay with you if you want me there.” Junhui nods, squeezing his hand as a silent thank you.

“I’m going to see if he can- you know- if I-” Jun pauses and takes a breath, steadying himself before he continues. “I’m going to see if I can take some time off. I think I want to go back to China for a little bit- I mean, I have to ask my parents first, but- yeah.”

“It will be good for you to have some time for yourself. To see your family.” Minghao reassures him. He can tell already that Junhui is feeling guilty about taking time away from the group, away from South Korea. But he shouldn’t. He’s been having a rough couple of months, he needs a break.

“I think I’m going to ring my old therapist and book a couple of appointments while I’m out there.” He says this so quietly that Minghao almost misses it.

“Okay. That’s a good plan.” Minghao lifts one of Jun’s hands to his lips, pressing soft kisses to the ends of his trembling fingers. Junhui hides his face.

It’s not only exhaustion that follows after Jun’s panic attacks, his anxiety also doesn’t fade for a while. He stays sensitive and high-strung until he properly settles into himself again. Minghao just wants to make him as comfortable as possible- Junhui doesn’t have the energy for another anxiety attack. “How long has it been since you saw her?”

“The last time was …” He pauses to think, letting out a huff of air against Minghao’s neck. “A few weeks before I moved over here. And I basically cried for an hour, so that’s her current impression of me.” Junhui laughs, but it’s a dry chuckle.

“Hey, that’s what therapy is for. You should never be embarrassed about crying.” Junhui doesn’t respond, but he does press himself closer to Minghao. He’s missed this so much, this closeness with his boyfriend. Even though there’s still a little voice in the back of his head trying to convince him that Minghao doesn’t really care, Junhui is beyond listening to it. He’s too tired and he’s too sad to worry about being insecure.

He can make a complete fool of himself if he wants to, he’ll be leaving soon enough, hopefully for long enough that everyone will forget all of this embarrassing shit he’s doing. Hopefully.

There’s more silence before Jun speaks again, quiet words against Minghao’s shoulder, the trace of tears in his throat. “This month has been really hard, Minghao.” Minghao doesn’t interrupt him, he just lets Junhui talk. And he listens, one hand stroking through Jun’s hair to keep reminding him that he isn’t alone in this. “I don’t know why- it was just suddenly like-”

Junhui takes a gasping breath, like his lungs are running away from him. Minghao’s protective instincts fire up and he’s abruptly pulling Jun’s head away from his shoulder, scared that he’s literally suffocating himself in there. Jun flinches but relaxes again with the whispered apologies Minghao litters across his face.

“Like, no one liked me anymore? I started noticing all these things and everyone was getting mad at me and I’m so _embarrassed_ all the time.” Minghao presses a kiss to the space between Jun’s eyebrows, humming softly. “I- I don’t un- understand why- why I’m still here.” Minghao has to squeeze his eyes shut to hold back his tears, his heart breaking with every word of Jun’s painful confession.

“Oh, Jun-ah.” It’s Minghao’s voice’s turn to shake. “Junnie, you’re- I love you so much. We all love you so much. I know you don’t believe it, but I’m going to do anything that I can to make you understand how much we adore you.” Junhui sniffles as tears begin to dribble down his cheeks, his lips pulling into a sad little grimace.

“You know that I wouldn’t be here without you?” Minghao says, and Jun finally looks up at him. Minghao drags his thumbs across Junhui’s cheekbones to dry his skin, catching the tear drops before they can escape his eyes. Junhui shakes his head, a tiny movement against Minghao’s hands. “When we were training, I was so lost, and _scared_ \- I was so close to giving up and going home.”

Jun shakes his head, more frantically this time, wrapping his fingers around Minghao’s wrists. “No- no, why would you? You can’t-” Minghao bumps their foreheads together, smiling a little at the fact that Junhui is so concerned about Minghao’s sixteen-year-old self when he’s the one who needs worrying about _right now_.

“I would have left if it wasn’t for you.” Junhui is quiet, just watching Minghao from behind his wet eyelashes. “Any time I was a tiny bit homesick, or the slightest bit confused, I didn’t even have to say anything and you were there. With your cute little smile and your stupid jokes, and you made me feel so much better. Every time. Whenever I thought about giving up, you would bound in and wrap me up in a hug and excitedly tell me something in a strange mix of Mandarin and Korean and I just knew that I could never leave. Not if it would mean leaving you as well.”

Junhui lowers his head as he chokes out a sob, but Minghao knows that it isn’t because he’s upset. He wraps his arms around Jun’s back and pulls him close, until Junhui’s face is pressed against his chest and he can bury his nose in his hyung’s hair.

Junhui cries and Minghao holds him.

*

Wonwoo is wrapped around Jun when he calls his mother. He’s curled up with his head in Junhui’s lap, arms fixed in a vice-like grip around his waist, like he’s never going to let go. Wonwoo would be content if he never had to.

Minghao is nearby, pretending that he’s reading but they all know that he’s listening in.

“Hi, mama.” Jun’s voice is soft when his mum answers the phone, and Wonwoo can’t miss the small smile on his lips. Whenever he’s witnessed their conversations- despite not being able to understand them- it’s obvious to Wonwoo just how much Jun adores his family. It’s adorable to see, yet it reminds him just how much he’s going to miss Jun and his soft little grin. “I’m alright. How are you guys?”

Junhui listens to his mother talk, cooing when she mentions his brother. It’s almost like he’s forgotten the reason for his call- lost in the memories of his loved ones- until his mum asks. Then his mood sours a little. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He’s _embarrassed_. “I just wanted to check if it’s okay for me to come home for a while.”

“I’ve got some sessions booked with my doctor.” Junhui lets out a shaky breath, burying a hand into the soft fabric of Wonwoo’s jumper to settle himself. Wonwoo grasps his hand and winds their fingers together instead. “Yeah, my therapist.”

Minghao seems to notice Jun’s distress, so he drops his book and makes his way over, sitting down beside them. He leans close enough to rest his chin on Junhui’s shoulder, one hand curling around him to lay across Jun’s chest, pressing gently. Jun sighs. “They’ve given me four weeks, it’s all organised.”

Junhui closes his eyes when Minghao lifts his free hand to brush his fringe from his forehead, fingers lingering in his hair, carding through it gently. It’s no secret that having someone’s hands in his hair is a sure way to make Junhui feel more comfortable.

“Okay, thank you. I’ll let you know when I book my tickets.” Junhui smiles again, biting at his lower lip. “Love you, mama.”

Junhui ends the call and holds his phone in his shaky hands, just looking at it with sad eyes. Wonwoo sits up and takes it from him, putting it on the table but quickly looking back to Jun. Minghao doesn’t look too concerned, but Wonwoo has no idea what’s going on. All he knows is that Jun looks upset, and he hates it when Jun’s upset.

“Everything alright?” Wonwoo asks, squeezing Jun’s elbow.

“Yeah. She’s gonna make my bed up.” There are tears in Jun’s eyes and his voice is thick with them. “I miss them so much.” He suddenly says as he folds himself in half, burying his face in his hands as his shoulders tremble.

“I know you do. But you’ll get to see them so soon.” Minghao reassures him, still stroking Jun’s head, short nails scratching lightly at his scalp. Wonwoo is almost astounded by how composed Minghao is. Although, being so much more familiar with Junhui’s emotions must make it easier to understand when he really needs to worry. Wonwoo’s uneasy, though. He just wants Jun to smile again.

“Hey, you’ll get to see your brother, though. Little Fengjun.” Junhui’s chest collapses with the weight of his sigh and he looks up, smiling past the tears covering his cheeks. Wonwoo uses his sleeve to dry them.

“Oh, I’m so excited. He’s so old now, I haven’t seen him so long.” The genuine happiness on Jun’s face sets Wonwoo at ease. Sure, he’s going to miss Jun an unbelievable amount whilst he’s gone. But he’ll be content in the knowledge that he’s surrounded by family and he’s healing. That’s enough for him.

*

Junhui is packing when Mingyu comes to him with tears in his eyes. Jun turns away from his suitcase- which is mainly filled with his comfiest clothes and maybe one pair of jeans- in favour of huddling Mingyu close to him and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Despite being a good couple of inches taller than Junhui, Mingyu manages to feel tiny in his arms.

“What’s wrong, Gyu?” Jun asks, brushing a hand across the younger’s cheek. He’s got his face pressed against Junhui’s collarbone, sniffling softly as his tears fall. Mingyu whimpers and presses closer, forcing Jun to take a step backwards to steady them. Mingyu doesn’t seem to notice, too distracted by trying to bury himself within Jun’s chest.

Junhui presses a palm flat against his back and draws calming circles with the heel of his hand. Mingyu can get overwhelmed when he’s upset.

“You’re leaving.” Is what Mingyu says when he works up the courage, winding his fingers into the fabric of Jun’s shirt and gripping on tightly. Junhui kisses his head again.

“I know.” Jun replies. He doesn’t really know what to say. His brain doesn’t want to entertain the idea that Mingyu is sad because he’s leaving, but the rational part of him is putting two and two together. Mingyu whimpers again, pulling Junhui out of his own head.

“I’m going to miss you, hyung.” Mingyu murmurs, and Junhui lets him enjoy it for a moment. He wraps both arms around Mingyu’s back and squeezes him, nuzzling his face into the younger’s hair. He’s going to miss this as well. “I love you.”

“There’s no need to cry, sweetheart.” Junhui can already feel himself falling back into the mothering role that he’s been neglecting for so long. When he’s not worried about what everyone thinks of him, he really enjoyed coddling his younger brothers and making sure that they’re happy. Hopefully this means that he really is feeling better- getting better.

“Because you’re coming back, right?” Junhui catches himself off guard when he agrees so quickly.

“Right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this has been a long time coming. i didn't quite hit my end of june target, but that's ignoring the fact that my original aim was to post this at the end of february so, yeah. life and uni and other stuff just got on top of me so you're getting it now.
> 
> i'm just really proud of this one. i've had this idea for well over a year now, and i'm so surprised that i actually finished it. it's my first properly long fic and my first chaptered fic and i'm just so glad to have it done. so i hope you enjoy it.
> 
> i just have a couple of notes:
> 
> 1\. i wanted to mention this unless it came off a little weird when i wrote it- i made jun’s call to his mum one-sided because i really didn’t want to give a voice to his mum. like, i know i already write fiction about real people, which is creepy in and of itself, but i really didn’t want to write too much or assume too much about jun’s family. so i’m sorry if that scene was super awkward or stilted, i just felt a bit uncomfy with it but i really wanted it in there. i hope that makes sense.
> 
> 2\. i’m really sorry that i made seungkwan such a bitch to junhui. i promise that i really didn’t mean it. i tried to go back and add some bits where i could actually write him accurately but i’m sure it doesn’t come off very well. sorry sorry sorry.
> 
> 3\. i tried my very hardest to get all of the hyungs and (y/)ahs in there properly. the only thing i wanted to mention is that i have minghao saying “jun-ah” a lot when he technically shouldn’t. but literally my favourite junhao video of all time is a three second clip of minghao calling junhui jun-ah ([link](https://twitter.com/precious_svt/status/1123973663705960448)) and so i just had to include it. that is my justification.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://hattieie.tumblr.com)
> 
> <3 lots of love


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